Anonymous wrote:It was rude of her to say, but I agree with her. You should cook the main dish.

I hate potlucks.

I kinda of with you on this.... as the host. I think yo are kind of on the hook for the main meat and thats it... Those items dont really tavel well. spiral cut ham yes, roasted turkey not so much...

I love pot luck, and I also love hosting a full evening (doing all the cooking ect. DH here)

but the OP did spell out her wishes, and the other folks seemed to taker their assignments in stride.

SIL need to step up to the bar and host next year if she doesn't like the potluck aspect of it.

Wow. Who sends a message like that? Please come back and update us with what happens. I think it was very generous of you to still host even when you made it clear you wanted a break. Hope the potluck goes well. I would gladly bring dishes if you were my SIL!

My family doesn't do passive aggressive, we do aggressive-aggressive, let me tell you all the ways in which you suck at life come to jesus moments if someone is being an enormous asshat. With that in mind, I would respond with "This was discussed and agreed to back in the summer with your husband being the main proponent. If you had an issue with the plan, you should have brought it up with him, not me. I suggest you do so now as we'll be proceeding with the potluck as planned and agreed to." And cc your brother (I'm assuming this is his wife since you included the detail that he was the main champion of the plan).

UGH! I would reply with something along these lines:

Anonymous wrote:"We've been talking about this plan since summer. If you wanted to take on the work of hosting a formal dinner, you really should have spoken up months ago. As I said last summer, it's been draining to host the formal dinner for all these years, and I don't have it in me this year. Your displeasure is noted, although I don't know what you expected to get from sending me this message besides upsetting me."

The family agreed to it in the summer and now she's speaking up? OP, don't ignore, speak up. She can host next year if she would like, and I'm sure OP would like the break too.

Anonymous wrote:What an awful person. Ask her if she'd rather host instead?

I seriously need to join another family though. A potluck to me sounds fabulous. I also would love to get a chance to host. Our host's food isn't very good, but there's no way she'd let anyone else host. I'd love to be able to bring one of my signature dishes. Last time I tried a few years ago, the host told me she would serve that the next day instead of on Christmas.

I am so tired of posters saying they are not "ALLOWED" to host. Please. Grow a pair. Issue an invitation for the next holiday well in advance. "We are eager to share our hospitality with our family, as we have been treated to so many wonderful events at X's house. We hope you wll join us for Easter" or whatever. It's their choice to show up or not; if they don't invite over some other family or friends or neighbors.

She sounds like a pretty terrible person to bring this up now in December when it was already discussed over the summer.

And her email was incredibly rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it possible that this was a misunderstanding? I mean, when your family said they would help, maybe they thought bring the rolls and other side dishes of thier choice. So that your SIL was reacting to (1) you not making the main part of the meal and (2) you assigning dishes.

Her response was still rude. You told everyone that you did not want to host, they insisted and everyone agreed to help.

I woukd respond back, that maybe she misunderstood when you were talking about this in June, but you were clear that ypu did not want to cook. And that if she wanted to host, that would be wonderful.

This was my thought. When you said potluck and you're tired of cooking I thought Jane brings roles and veggies, John and Diane bring all the apps, Mom & Dad bring the wine, etc while you -the host - have the main dish and the basic condiments, dishes, paperware, etc .

Are you expecting someone to lug a ham/turkey or whatever tbe main meal is to your house? To reheat?

Is everyone local?

OP wasn’t expecting anything. She said she didn’t want to cook anything and the family insisted and said they’d bring all the food. How is OP at fault?

Because the "I don't want to cook" phrase us subjective. Op meant it literally. Her SIL (and me when I first read the post) took it as everyone needs to bring a side/app/wine/dessert so op just has to deal with the main dish.
It can be interrupted a different way even after a family discussion especially since everyone agreed to pitch in...pitch in by bringing the sides.

Did Op delegate who was responsible for bringing the main dish?

What an awful person. Ask her if she'd rather host instead?

I seriously need to join another family though. A potluck to me sounds fabulous. I also would love to get a chance to host. Our host's food isn't very good, but there's no way she'd let anyone else host. I'd love to be able to bring one of my signature dishes. Last time I tried a few years ago, the host told me she would serve that the next day instead of on Christmas.

Is your SIL usually so awful? That's pretty damn ballsy.

Anonymous wrote:Three words for PP- “Honey Baked Ham” - it’s not hard to bring core items and it sounds like OP gave out assignments so she wouldn’t end up
with a hodgepodge. People really have no idea the time and effort it takes to put these things together, not to mention the cost. And you probably make it all look so effortless. I would respond: “I love the formal dinners too, but I just don’t have ithe energy to pull it all together this year. You may not appreciate all the effort that goes into it, and if potluck is not your style, let’s plan for you to host the formal dinner next year.”

+1

Anonymous wrote:It was rude of her to say, but I agree with her. You should cook the main dish.

I hate potlucks.

If SIL wants a formal meal, she should make a formal meal and host the occasion.

Anonymous wrote:I would reply and cc her husband and say "did you two discuss this?"

That's a winner!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh that sounds like a wonderful menu! Will you host then? That would be so thoughtful and and also a nice relief to me to have someone else share the load after all these years. "

Different PP here. I also like this approach, but definitely with a cc to her spouse and your husband.

Yes I agree. I would also add, "of course, noting your displeasure with the plan we all made back in July, I would understand if you choose not to attend this year. If you do want to attend the pot luck, of course I'd love to have you! XOXO

Anonymous wrote:What a jerk! If my SIL sent that to me, I’d copy the entire family (or at least my brother) on my reply so that they would see her message. Well, that would be my initial impulse. Later I might come up with a more gracious response.

Yup and yup.

I would reply to the entire family and say, "Because SIL doesn't like the way we've chosen to host this year, I look forward to visiting her home next year to see how someone does it 'right.' Let me know what I can bring."