OP why didn't you do the compromises (countertops) that you mentioned? what is stopping you?

Anonymous wrote:Do these spouses need so much information? I mean, unless it's asked about, why even discuss the cost of these purchases? Renovation I understand. IDK maybe it's because I've always paid the bills at our house but IMO all of you are discussing all of this too much.

+1

What is your net worth (assets minus liabilities)?

If you have a million dollars sitting there and want to spend 25K on a kitchen I'd be all for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is not going to agree with me and I am not going to leave him. And I am tired of having the same damn fight over and over again. He is a good man and a good father and I am not going to break up my children’s life.

So how do I just suck it up and deal? And not get so upset?

And to those thinking he was like this when I married him, no he really wasn’t. We were both poor grad students but we dreamed the same dreams back then. Not sure what happened. I think it might have been the fact that early in his career he was laid off (during the recession) and that changed his outlook.

But the reasons don’t really matter because I have no hope of changing him. How do I just stop wanting what I want?

What do you do for an income?

Teacher

Anonymous wrote:He is not going to agree with me and I am not going to leave him. And I am tired of having the same damn fight over and over again. He is a good man and a good father and I am not going to break up my children’s life.

So how do I just suck it up and deal? And not get so upset?

And to those thinking he was like this when I married him, no he really wasn’t. We were both poor grad students but we dreamed the same dreams back then. Not sure what happened. I think it might have been the fact that early in his career he was laid off (during the recession) and that changed his outlook.

But the reasons don’t really matter because I have no hope of changing him. How do I just stop wanting what I want?

What do you do for an income?

Do these spouses need so much information? I mean, unless it's asked about, why even discuss the cost of these purchases? Renovation I understand. IDK maybe it's because I've always paid the bills at our house but IMO all of you are discussing all of this too much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about your overall financial situation - are you debt-free other than the mortgage?

Have plenty of money to do big updates without dipping into college savings and retirement?

If you are and his objections really are irrational, I would go to a counselor.

Yes, debt free other than our mortgage which has 14 years left on it. College savings are almost done, emergency savings of 18 months+, all retirement vehicles maxed out. Would not touch any of that.

I don’t think he’s irrational - he’s very logical about it. He just often fails to recognize that life is not just about how much wealth you can amasse before you die. As I said in the OP, he is a good person. Several pp’s have nailed it - I don’t need his permission but would really like his blessing. That’s what I have to work through - my intense need for him to not just agree but approve.

he is not going to approve at least not before hand. but he might grudgingly admit you were right when the work is finished.

about a month ago my husband made a big stink about some contraption I bought at land of is for $120 that our girls can put hair accessories in. he was angry not only because of the price ("120 to store hair accessories!!!!") but also because he thought it would be too big.

once it came in and it looked fantastic and is extremely useful. the whole room looks much neater. so he loves it now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

In my house, that's the only endorsement I'm ever going to have, if I get one at all. I have decided that life is too short to get hung up on those things

this! "fine do whatever you want" is a good enough endorsement. you need to stop expecting him to enthusiastically embrace your project. he said fine, you do it.

my husband is also very frugal but the difference is not that big between us. nevertheless on occasion I will buy something I didn't ask him for (up to $500 or so), he will huff and puff for 10 minutes and forget about it. your plans are bigger but you also have more money. you need to start moving and he will get over it.

How old are your kids? I posted that I would just do it. But, here is a suggestion, if you want to actually get him to agree. Are your kids embarrassed by the house? Or might be embarrassed in the near future? My DH would do anything, I mean ANYTHING for his kids, but if DD asks, he will do it right away.

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about your overall financial situation - are you debt-free other than the mortgage?

Have plenty of money to do big updates without dipping into college savings and retirement?

If you are and his objections really are irrational, I would go to a counselor.

Yes, debt free other than our mortgage which has 14 years left on it. College savings are almost done, emergency savings of 18 months+, all retirement vehicles maxed out. Would not touch any of that.

I don’t think he’s irrational - he’s very logical about it. He just often fails to recognize that life is not just about how much wealth you can amasse before you die. As I said in the OP, he is a good person. Several pp’s have nailed it - I don’t need his permission but would really like his blessing. That’s what I have to work through - my intense need for him to not just agree but approve.

I am curious about your overall financial situation - are you debt-free other than the mortgage?

Have plenty of money to do big updates without dipping into college savings and retirement?

If you are and his objections really are irrational, I would go to a counselor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

I would. I do as I want, simple as that. Now, some of the renovations you talk about are really expensive. What financial position are you in? If you have money and this is not a big expense, go ahead and do it. If you think about it, you don't need his permission, and you are acting like you do. Women do not need their husband's permission for anything. Why does he have the say and the last word? I wouldn't put up with that. If you are broke and in credit card debt and you still want to go ahead and spend money of the house, that is a different thing.

He sounds awesome. You guys will probably get to retire like 20 years before most folks.

Is he an engineer? I have dated engineers who are really reluctant to invest in aesthetics as long as everything in the house works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

In my house, that's the only endorsement I'm ever going to have, if I get one at all. I have decided that life is too short to get hung up on those things

OMG when I read this post, I thought I must have written it. I have the EXACT same husband. Mine came here as a refugee as a teenager so at least I understand what drives his intense financial anxiety.

I don't have any perfect solutions, but here are some things that have worked for me:

1) I work FT and we maintain separate accounts. That sounds backwards but it means that I don't ask his permission to spend money (nor does he ask my permission to save.) Which means I can do lots of small stuff around the house without his involvement. It enables us both to do what we do best! It also means I can do a lot of small stuff without his involvement.

2) Finding mice in our kitchen persuaded him to do bare minimum fixes (this is a 1950s house rehabbed on the cheap in 80s by previous owners.) Over time I wore him down progressively to a more substantial renovation, but not an extravagant one by any means. By the time it was done he freely admitted that he hadn't appreciated what a wreck it was until it was redone. I think he actually said the words "we should have done this sooner."

Right now I'm on year two of laying the basis for an addition. It will happen!

3) I do ALL the legwork on any home improvements. Research contractors, costs, materials, etc; do all meetings and shopping etc. It's a huge pain because I have a much busier job and I'm also the uber default parent with the kids. (Also I have trouble making decisions, so I wish I had a partner who'd go to tile stores with me.) But if I left it to him, it would never get done - in part because it's just not a priority for him.

4) I do think there's some utility in seeing his side of things. I get really depressed sometimes that we live wayyyy below our means. But I know where it comes from - a terrifyingly insecure childhood and a desire to ensure our kids never experience anything like that. He also is happy without a lot of stuff or bling - once when I was complaining about the house, my husband said something like I'm really happy here, I have everything I need. That's not the worst example to show to your kids.

Good luck OP! Worst comes to worst, we should start a support group!