I have a sister who is like the BIL. I have totally forgiven her and don’t bear any grudges because she is who she is. I do get pressure from my mom to reach out and be closer to my sister, and lately my sister has expressed indignation that I never visit (....but I can’t because that would involve counting on her for a number of things). So OP, be aware that you can start out just trying to deal with someone’s antisocial quirks but if you don’t at least keep up appearances (my mistake) then eventually people think that the problem is YOUR aloofness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Exactly.

Op’s Dh did the right thing. He matched BIL’s lack of an apology with the lack of accepting it, only noting it. It was 100% perfect.

But you know with that wife of BIL’s that she will fill his mind with how your DH was very ungrateful with the way he “accepted” the apology. Wait for that and prepare to ignore.

An apology requires the apologist to explain what they are apologizing for. Bil's email was actually insulting. There is no way that a one or two sentence email like the one bill sent does anything other than stir up sh*t. He is still displaying an arrogant attitude and implying that op's dh is deserving of nothing more. This isn't how healthy adults deal. This is sending a clear message that he still thinks very little of op's dh.

Someone upthread insinuated that op's dh had more of a hand in this than she is letting on. I disagree. Op's bil is a manipulative con artist. He may be a malignant narcissist who expects to get what he wants when he wants it. Op relayed multiple instances where it seems bil tried to hurt them financially intentionally.

Op, your husband's terse response was perfect. Now I hope you never do anything with them again.

Anonymous wrote:I’m with your DH and would just ignore the email. BIL is playing games.

Pretty much!
A grown ass remorseful man would call and talk to his brother man to man.
There are people I don't like and would rather not spend time with but I would not do what your BIL did.
I can imagine a scenario in which a real genuine apology was offered. I would accept and not do a damn thing with them ever again.
When people show you who they are: BELIEVE THEM.

Anonymous wrote:Just leave it alone.

+1

Also, stop talking to your MIL + FIL about it. If they bring up BIL, tell them they should talk to DH, say you have no comment or or change the subject immediately. Do not give them your opinion; don’t tell them about all the things DCUM posted. Extract yourself from the being in the middle.

Just leave it alone.

It sounds like you’ve come to peace within it and the response. Your BIL sounds like mine. I have a MIL who loves to message nastiness back and forth and will even twist words so she can get the drama going. Any chance that’s happening in this scenario?

Sometimes being with a toxic person for years can turn one into a toxic person. This seems to be the case with BIL. He only wrote the email because his parents made him. He's not sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

This. I might be inclined to spell it out for him:

"Brother, to be clear, what you did wrong was (i) failing to show up to a weekend you insisted we book, and then failing to pay for your share of the expenses, and (ii) disinviting my DW and kids from a holiday weekend after we had purchased airfare. I'll know you recognize that what you did was wrong, and sincerely feel bad about it, when I receive a check for ______________."

this is, of course, taking OP's account at face value. I agree that there is likely to be quite a bit missing.

Fixed that for ya. OP's DH was still invited. She and the kids were no longer welcome.

I didn't see that in the op. Op, can you clarify what happened that Thanksgiving? I'm admittedly morbidly curious about it. You were invited and then disinvited?

This is what was in the OP:

...then 6-months later, BIL calls DH and says that our kids and I are not invited to the first family Thanksgiving that they ever hosted because there isn't enough room after we bought plane tickets. Even if it was BIL's wife (no love lost), it was tacky. ...

Pp here. I missed the part that said "the kids and I" were not invited. I guess it's so ridiculous my brain couldn't take on the words. What insanity.

Why bother with all this effort. The brother is still who he has always been, and you can tell that by his ‘apology,’ if you can call it that. The brother still can’t be trusted and unless he goes to therapy, he always will be. Your DH is right to keep his distance. The only thing the DH will gain by any more contact or effort is frustration, and he knows that better than anyone.

Anonymous wrote:That was a non-apology. I'd ignore it.

I'd write back -

I miss having you in my life. When you are ready to talk, let me know.

Love

Bro

Then see what happens - clearly his wife is a problem, and he doesn't handle it well. There also needs to be an apology to you. Hold his hand a little to get him to the real discussion. Harmless, my email, but it throws it back to BIL and will leave DH without regrets.

Anonymous wrote:He should have sent a check for the cabin

And a sh*t load of presents for the little girl whose birthday OP's DH had to miss...

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This

Anonymous wrote:Op back.

We do not care about the money . DH never did. I did but it was so long ago at this point, I wrote it off.

BIL has always been a sarcastic person but according to DH, he turned to an ass when he met his wife (before I came into the picture so I only knew him like this) -- BIL is 8 years older. MIL does not like BIL's wife at all and would never make us do a joint Thanksgiving. Even when MIL hosted it for years, BIL never showed up.

DH responded -- it may because I had suggested it this morning (shouldn't have said anything but did.). He wrote "Noted." And says that's the last word on the matter so subject closed and won't discuss more.

It's his family, so it's his call. And I think he was right to acknowledge that he received the email, and also right not to make a big thing out of it. Just don't make his parents choose sides--it seems like right now they are not trying to interfere, alternating years for holidays, etc., and it's not right to put them in the middle--and will only cause more drama.