Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a husband. My solution is to tell your husband that until there is a solution for the heat problem in her room, DD will sleep in your bed with you and he will sleep in her bed. If he has to sleep in her room, he'll probably find a solution to the cooling problem quickly.

Dude, you need to check your T level. You talk funny

Nope. I'm a guy who is telling these wives how to get through to a stubborn husband. This is how to deal with guys. All of those other suggestions to talk or compromise aren't going to help. It's been long enough and there's clearly a problem. If he was interested in helping or solving, he would have done it ages ago. Right now he's digging in his heels and refusing to budge. When a guy gets like this, you give him hard consequences or just give up trying. He's not going to do anything different no matter how much you talk, even with a counselor. He's not buying and he's going to complain if OP tries to do something about it. So, she needs to force his hand.

If you don't admit this, then you're just a guy trying to use the bro code that you don't rat out a buddy, but I don't know OP's husband and I'm just giving her the hard cold truth about how to make him s**t or get off the pot. He either needs to fix the problem or he can deal with the cold room all winter long. The daughter shouldn't have to sleep in a cold room because Daddy wants to wait for the magic fairy to come and give him a magic solution that doesn't require him to get off his lazy a**.

There are safe space heaters -- cool to the touch, and they have a thermostat. Get one of those.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

No, you can't let the stuff with your daughter go. But you can let other stuff go. Cooking? Nope, it's now basic easy meals straight from the grocery store. Laundry? Only yours and DDs. Cleaning? If you can't afford to outsource it, it goes undone except for basic sanitation issues. Repairs like your DD's heat issue? Handyman on speed dial. Buying Christmas presents? Only for your family and DD, he can handle his family.

You CAN let some things go.

I agree with all this. And you know what, your DH can change. The only reason he isn't changing is because you don't expect him to, he doesn't HAVE to. I seriously doubt your DD will be unsafe. When men get the chance, they step up. Give him the chance.

Unfortunately, some of them will take that as an excuse to step out, too. That's when they start whining to a mistress about how horrible their wives are.

You do realize sometimes its the women who cheat. Men don't care about that stuff so it is not a priority. Call a window company and get it replaced. Simple. Its not like you are asking him to do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

No, you can't let the stuff with your daughter go. But you can let other stuff go. Cooking? Nope, it's now basic easy meals straight from the grocery store. Laundry? Only yours and DDs. Cleaning? If you can't afford to outsource it, it goes undone except for basic sanitation issues. Repairs like your DD's heat issue? Handyman on speed dial. Buying Christmas presents? Only for your family and DD, he can handle his family.

You CAN let some things go.

I agree with all this. And you know what, your DH can change. The only reason he isn't changing is because you don't expect him to, he doesn't HAVE to. I seriously doubt your DD will be unsafe. When men get the chance, they step up. Give him the chance.

Unfortunately, some of them will take that as an excuse to step out, too. That's when they start whining to a mistress about how horrible their wives are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you have seen this already, maybe you haven't but it's spot on for me and sounds like the same for you.

Mental Load:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Sending you good vibes with a solution to getting the window/room temp situation fixed, in addition to unloading some of your mental load. Hang in there.

Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

I'm the Mental Load PP. Unfortunately I don't know what the solution is. You could share this with your DH. I did and my DH said he gets it, but it did not change ANY thing. I just thought of this while reading your post and thought it might help you moving forward as it it sort of feels better knowing you are not alone and it has a name that you can use/refer too. Some days I just look at my DH and say "mental load" and he knows either to back off or do just one little thing, like bring his suit jacket upstairs and hang in his closet instead of leaving it on the back of the dining room chair for me to bring up and put away like he usually does.

OP, I have a very similar situation, and so I'm going to try to give some advice.
I think my DH is especially unhelpful on these sorts of things because he feels like as a guy, he should know the answers and be able to fix this stuff, but he doesn't have that skill set, so he feels like a failure as a man, etc., etc. (I think it's analogous to how some women feel when they can't breast-feed or something like that -- like it reflects on them as a woman.) I think a lot of guys also just won't read up on safety stuff -- it's like the old joke about not asking for directions when they are lost. I can't explain it, but for some guys that just seems to be true.

It's incredibly aggravating. Would I be justified in saying "Forget it -- you need to grow up and learn to deal with things you don't like to deal with."? Yes, I would. Would it be successful in getting him to change his behavior? No, it would not. Do I want to be a divorced single mom? No, I do not. So I mostly deal with that stuff myself, and then try to find stuff to outsource to him that does not trigger the male guilt complex. If I have a strong view on how something should be handled, I just handle it so that we're not in a situation where I'm criticizing the decision that he made. The stuff that I'm ambivalent about, I outsource to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

No, you can't let the stuff with your daughter go. But you can let other stuff go. Cooking? Nope, it's now basic easy meals straight from the grocery store. Laundry? Only yours and DDs. Cleaning? If you can't afford to outsource it, it goes undone except for basic sanitation issues. Repairs like your DD's heat issue? Handyman on speed dial. Buying Christmas presents? Only for your family and DD, he can handle his family.

You CAN let some things go.

I agree with all this. And you know what, your DH can change. The only reason he isn't changing is because you don't expect him to, he doesn't HAVE to. I seriously doubt your DD will be unsafe. When men get the chance, they step up. Give him the chance.

Anonymous wrote:
Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

No, you can't let the stuff with your daughter go. But you can let other stuff go. Cooking? Nope, it's now basic easy meals straight from the grocery store. Laundry? Only yours and DDs. Cleaning? If you can't afford to outsource it, it goes undone except for basic sanitation issues. Repairs like your DD's heat issue? Handyman on speed dial. Buying Christmas presents? Only for your family and DD, he can handle his family.

You CAN let some things go.

This is obviously not just about the heater, but I'll throw this out there anyway. We have this ceramic heater mounted to my daughter's bedroom wall and attached a thermostat to it. It works great and even looks nice. Our cold room is already double insulated and the windows aren't the issue, so my husband did a lot of research on safety and effectiveness of heaters and came up with this. https://www.amazon.com/Econo-Heat-0603-E-Heater-White/dp/B005DKN20W/ref=sr_1_6?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1510253593&sr=1-6&keywords=wall+ceramic+heater&dpID=31ieUTJCgaL&preST=_SY300_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. This is my first time posting on the relationship forum. I'm amazed by all the responses!

It's true that DH is not uniquely qualified to handle this problem. I just wanted him to. I shouldn't have even asked him to and instead just done it myself.

Guest bedroom is on another floor, far from us. I can't move DD there.

I just wanted DH to handle this because I'm overwhelmed doing everything for our life in addition to my demanding job.

My therapist gave me this advice- if you were to divorce, you'd end up doing all of this stuff on your own anyway, without the added benefit of a second income. The only real "perk" of divorce is to date/sleep with other men, which I'm not interested in doing. So for now it's to my advantage to stay married.

This has helped me let go of a lot of the resentment and stress I have. I just do exactly what I would have done if I was divorced and on my own. I've stopped resenting my DH and it gives me a taste of what life as a single parent is actually like.

Also- it is way, way less energy to just do these things on your own. Stressing over it, nagging, and getting upset take more effort and energy than just googling what to do and ordering materials online. Is it "fair"? No. But it makes for a happier life.

Enable that husband until you do it all yourself. Ten years down the road, he will replace you with a younger model, take half of the money and all of your dignity. Keep doing it all yourself, keep doing it yourself. No wonder, so many women don't get re-married after divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you have seen this already, maybe you haven't but it's spot on for me and sounds like the same for you.

Mental Load:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Sending you good vibes with a solution to getting the window/room temp situation fixed, in addition to unloading some of your mental load. Hang in there.

Op here. This is EXACTLY IT! But what's the solution? The exhaustion at this point is driving me to severe depression/anxiety. DH isn't going to change. I can't just let go and not handle this stuff because it will result in my DD being unsafe. I am an anxious person but DH is chill/lazy/disengaged to an extent that I fear he wouldn't even feed her, take her to the doc, etc. I can't leave him, because then he'd be alone with her and she wouldn't be safe.

Anonymous wrote:Www.eheat.com

THIS

Maybe you have seen this already, maybe you haven't but it's spot on for me and sounds like the same for you.

Mental Load:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Sending you good vibes with a solution to getting the window/room temp situation fixed, in addition to unloading some of your mental load. Hang in there.

Its a horrible choice to use a space heater. Get the window replaced and call an HVAC person to see if they can do something to get more heat into the room.

Www.eheat.com