Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 20:50     Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.



Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.



You nd pp have very dated advice about addiction.


Are you the same poster who posted the "glib" comment?

Criticizing about advice being dated without describing the latest research and setting out a plan automatically disqualifies you, PP.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 20:48     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.


So glib. Have you ever done anything like this?


It's what most people on this thread have been advising, PP. Some who have shared their own family addiction stories.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 20:46     Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.



Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.



You nd pp have very dated advice about addiction.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 19:35     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Your post reeks of ignorance about mental health issues and addiction. Addicts lie and steal. They are driven to it. They cannot help themselves. A lot end up dead.

These are FACTS. Don't judge him as you would judge a healthy person.

Now with these facts, your family should never have enabled him. It simply prolongs the pain. He should have been cut off a long time ago and directed to institutional help. Families cannot force addicted adults to seek help and treatment. They just need to let go, and it's incredibly painful, but your parents should have been educated and guided to do so.

You need to drag your parents to addict meetings and therapy so they can be persuaded to cut him off. You can also tell them that you will NOT support them if their money is going to your brother. You can do this by paying the rent directly to the landlord, and similar things. You must clearly explain to your brother that he is not welcome in your neighborhood and you do not want him around your family.

The end.


So glib. Have you ever done anything like this?
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 19:23     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
I'm sorry. Just here commiserating as I had a very similar brother. My mom was terribly stressed by all of it and eventually got cancer and died. A small inheritance allowed him to move to Tijuana where he was found dead.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 19:14     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My brother lives in Arizona. I recently learned from my parents that he is homeless and living in his pickup truck. I just don't know what to do anymore -- PLEASE I need some outside advice.

Over his whole life my brother has been a liar, a thief, an addict. It started in college when he lied to my parents and said he was going to college -- he took the tuition money and used it on drugs. He has only a high school education.

He has gone from job to job, state to state over the course of over a decade. His credit is trashed and he owes at least $10,000 that has been sent to collections. He was a heroin addict for years, but says he is now clean. He refuses to go to AA, a psychologist, or get any treatment or help.

My brother's problems are one thing, but he has completely trashed my parents' lives (and soon mine). My father is a very loving, trusting person. He has been supporting my brother (and his drug habit) for YEARS. I learned last weekend that my father, who has been retired for a few years, has NOTHING left in his retirement account. It's gone. He told me he needs to go back to work now. My mom and dad currently live near me, and I pay their rent while they watch my toddlers during the day. They have nothing left for their old age. They are in their late 70s.

Now my brother says he wants to move out to the DC area to "be with family." He is a stain and I don't want him anywhere near my kids. My parents, of course, will just accept him into the apartment (that I pay for).

What should I do? I can't have my kids around my brother. I can't afford to hire a nanny and pay for my parents' place. But they have no more money. Why can't a 35-year-old man live without mom and dad's help?

I just don't know what to do anymore.


Because he has a mental illness.

If it were my brother, I would help him because I wouldn't be able to deal with thinking of him homeless, and because I've lost other immediate family members. But I would tell him that help is contingent upon him remaining in treatment. I would not help him if he refused treatment/therapy.

But no one would blame you if you want nothing to do with him, either. Concern for your children is a valid one.

It's tough.


+1 very
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 19:02     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
MD here...I'm so sorry OP that this is happening. But the poster advising you to set boundaries with your parents is correct. Mourn this loss as needed. But your brother is gone. I know that sounds harsh. I wish I had a more optimistic view of addiction. I don't see many success stories. Look into assisted living for your parents and encourage them to file bankruptcy. CC debt in your 70's is a non-starter. I also advise they no longer care for your kids. This would've ended at some point anyway but they're a liability by way of your brother. Hire an au pair (cheapest in-home childcare option), and give yourself the mental space to grieve over all this, but moving on and setting healthy boundaries is the only way to protect yourself and your children. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 18:28     Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
OP I've only ever seen addiction peripherally with my step bro (we didn't grow up together our parents married in their late 50s) and how crushing it is to see a parent almost relieved that he is in jail for a year. I wish you well. Please listen to the poster that says this board is not qualified to really help- you can't vet anything anyone is saying actually true here.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 16:32     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Al anon stat!! You set boundaries. Brother doesn't see you or your kids unless he's clean.
You don't take his calls unless it's for hep to get clean. You do not give your parents money that they give to him.


Thanks everyone, I've looked up a meeting and there is one in my area Monday night. What do you do in the situation here where he claims he's clean but he just doesn't have a job and is bleeding my parents dry. And I'm not sure that he's clean.


You say:

"I don't care whether you're clean. I care about you not mooching off our parents. Once you stop that, I will feel better about the family situation."

Because that's the reality at this point. You are cutting him off for real. It does not matter what happens to him. You care about continuing a relationship with your parents, and if he's there taking their money, it won't happen. You might just as well tell everyone the truth, because none of these people are the slightest bit influenced by any threats or offers you can make - it's not that they don't love you, but they are each moved by more pressing priorities.

Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 16:07     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Everyone (except brother) needs to go to Al-anon together.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.


This


Should I go to Nar-Anon since he's a drug addict? Or are the strategies the same and it doesn't matter between Al-anon and Nar-anon?


It doesn't matter. Another option is CODA (for codependency) if you can find one. Step one: we admitted we were powerless over others.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 14:06     Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:OP, listen to me. You need to set very firm boundaries with your parents. Boundary 1: I will not pay for the apartment you live in if you let my brother visit or live there. You are also asking for advice on a board full of people that likely don't understand addiction, so they are chiming in with answers like "I would help him" because they don't get it. This isn't a slam on them, I'm happy for them that they don't get it. I get it. Stop asking us, go to Al Anon or NarAnon. Don't worry about bringing your parents, YOU are the one that needs to go and learn to set boundaries with THEM.



Yes! This person gets it. You can't control what your parents will do but you can take actions to protect your kids and yourself by setting boundaries. You will learn this in Al Anon or through a therapist.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 13:51     Subject: Re:My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
If this is in DC--President There are public support systems in place in this country mentally ill and for addicts. These systems are not remotely perfect, but they really are the last surviving safety net for a person in your brother's position. All he has to do is to apply for them.

Here are common sense solutions:

Move your parents to an assisted living situation (only people over 55 can live there).
This will give your parents an "out" on this. They can maybe stil come to your home to do the childcare.

Medicaid will cover a reasonable living situation for a person like your brother.

He may not like who he has to live with in shared housing perhaps with other medicaid recipients...These are actually not dirty dangerous people exclusively AT ALL. Increasingly, what used to be lower middle class people find themselves on Medicaid. Because large profit taking corporations and their lobbyists have destroyed pensions and other safety nets. He will have to work--but guess what--he will get free mental health care. He will not like this. But you have to strategize and protect yourself.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 13:27     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
It does not matter. Ask your parents to support you by going with you. They claim they will support their children, right? His stint in this area might be very short, lots of tainted drugs to od on. Deep breath, op.
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 12:46     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Everyone (except brother) needs to go to Al-anon together.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.


This


Should I go to Nar-Anon since he's a drug addict? Or are the strategies the same and it doesn't matter between Al-anon and Nar-anon?
Anonymous
Post 11/09/2017 12:23     Subject: My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives
Anonymous wrote:Everyone (except brother) needs to go to Al-anon together.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.


This