The level of involvement needs to be high if parents are paying for college. Sadly, I can't easily afford any of the 50K per year or more colleges, so, yes, our involvement was crucial from the financial point of view. Our kids don't qualify for financial aid, but the process is what it is, and even if they think we can afford it, we know we absolutely can't. Does that make me a bad parent? Should I saddle myself with 200K debt, and double it after my second goes to college? I don't think so. Do I want my kid to get a bachelors degree and be saddled with 200K in debt? Also no. I see nothing wrong with our involvement, in this case. If we had that money, then my kids could choose, sadly that is not the reality for most families. So, from that point of view, OP, you sound judgy and high and mighty on your rich pedestal.

Anonymous wrote:Our kids have a trust for education but I would not, for example, allow them to go to a military academy or a school well known for partying. You want my support? You follow my rules. It's that simple.

You should be so fortunate that your child was even wanted by a military academy.

Jerk.

We have a few years to go, but interested to see other parents approach.
My background: My family was very involved with older kids and college decisions, then my dad was laid off and the only thing I got was "we aren't giving you money or co-signing loans." I literally had NO guidance or direction. I ended up putting myself through a big state school.
My husband... poor family, essentially "get out of the house and figure it out." He went to small junior college.
I will be involved. I will guide. And there will be certain parameters. But not "you must go here." I envision talking through their thought process and what they like / don't like, figuring out what school offers the best opportunities for whatever major they intend to go into.

Why should PP care what you, smug anonymous poster, think when it's clear that you pass judgment based on minimal information? You've already demonstrated that you are someone (or people) whose opinions aren't worth taking seriously.

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are in ES. They will have a list of colleges they can apply to - which we can afford. End of story. They will not be eligible for FA and we are unable to fund two kids at the same time to an Ivy @ $140k per year + inflation x 4 years + grad school.

We will tour some colleges when they are in MS, as I did when I was in MS, just to get a sense of the college atmosphere.

And they are in academic programs designed to increase their chances at Canadian universities which require French.

So short-sighted. Your short list of "parent-approved" affordable colleges will omit many great schools that would throw merit money at qualified students. If your kids are average, then your plan is the way to go.

Your ignorance is abundant, given you have not seen our list.

Not the PP but I had the same reaction to your statement. Your "list" would be based on the *sticker price* of the college and not on what the *actual* price would be. You can't know what the actual price will be until your kid gets an offer. We don't qualify for FA either, but our kid got a 35% athletic scholarship for his dream school, which we never would have allowed him to go to at full sticker price (close to $70K).

Your kids are only in ES. It's awfully early in the game to be so rigid. You don't know what they will bring to the table when they are 17. When the time comes, you can tell them what your budget is, and that they have to apply to some schools that are within that budget without any aid at all, and then they can also apply to some more expensive schools and see if merit aid fills the gap.

Like I said, but less politely, as you're not privy to our list, your comments are redundant.

The point that people who are farther along in this process than you are trying to make is that you don't have enough info to even have a list yet. But since you think you do, share your list and your criteria. This is an anonymous forum....

^Even in America -- i.e. Canada!

For people with great public university options (here or abroad), the choose-from among-what's-affordable approach is sensible when you know you won't qualify for FA -- and when you see college as about education. Schools that offer merit aid could represent a less attractive option to affordable publics. And the idea that you'd have your kid focus on a sport (and expect him or her to play it in college) to get an athletic scholarship seems bizarre from that POV.

Not knocking Americans who approach college in conventionally American ways. Just pointing out that there are other views and systems premised on different but quite rational assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:Our kids have a trust for education but I would not, for example, allow them to go to a military academy or a school well known for partying. You want my support? You follow my rules. It's that simple.

+1. And I plus one you as an alum of a party school. Had fun and did fine, but such a major regret. I was naive and didn't know any better, just followed friends to college with no real input from family.

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are in ES. They will have a list of colleges they can apply to - which we can afford. End of story. They will not be eligible for FA and we are unable to fund two kids at the same time to an Ivy @ $140k per year + inflation x 4 years + grad school.

We will tour some colleges when they are in MS, as I did when I was in MS, just to get a sense of the college atmosphere.

And they are in academic programs designed to increase their chances at Canadian universities which require French.

So short-sighted. Your short list of "parent-approved" affordable colleges will omit many great schools that would throw merit money at qualified students. If your kids are average, then your plan is the way to go.

Your ignorance is abundant, given you have not seen our list.

Not the PP but I had the same reaction to your statement. Your "list" would be based on the *sticker price* of the college and not on what the *actual* price would be. You can't know what the actual price will be until your kid gets an offer. We don't qualify for FA either, but our kid got a 35% athletic scholarship for his dream school, which we never would have allowed him to go to at full sticker price (close to $70K).

Your kids are only in ES. It's awfully early in the game to be so rigid. You don't know what they will bring to the table when they are 17. When the time comes, you can tell them what your budget is, and that they have to apply to some schools that are within that budget without any aid at all, and then they can also apply to some more expensive schools and see if merit aid fills the gap.

Like I said, but less politely, as you're not privy to our list, your comments are redundant.

We worked very hard to make sure our son was in a position to make educated decisions about the academics, and to be articulate about what he wanted. Left to his own devices, he would never have been able to choose based on anything more important than vibe. Not good enough.

All the money paying for this education would otherwise go toward my retirement.

In the end, he applied to a nice set of schools, all of which meet our (all of our) criteria. Money aside, he will choose but the private options are contingent on some aid.

Helping your child is different then dictating/pushing/helicopering. Parents should ask probing questions that teenagers might not consider: what if you want to change majors? How do you feel about being X distance from home if it means you do Thanksgiving at college? What does X amount of debt look like post-college on a monthly basis, relative to rent, car, etc?

In my case a big issue was that I had no college counseling at school, so I didn't know what to think about. My college search was totally random, and I didn't even know the difference between a college vs university, and what a liberal arts college really was (I thought size and remote location was the only difference between a college and university, and that you could not take science classes at a liberal arts school). You might be surprised what your kids do/not know, though I suspect in this area and on DCUM its rare that a HS student does not have access to college counselors.

So, have a discussion with your kid about school. Don't dictate, but don't assume they know what you might consider 'standard' knowledge.

College costs the same as a house. I wouldn't allow the kids to decide what house to buy? Why would I allow them to make other similar large purchasing decisions?

It's wonderful that some of you can afford to send your child to any college they choose, and simply allow them to make all the decisions on where to attend, but many of us are not in that boat.

We have been involved in our DC's college search. We have laid out what we can afford to pay towards undergrad, and have said that for anything above that price, DC will have to rely on his own merits regarding scholarships, etc. He can apply anywhere he chooses, albeit knowing that our own financial limitations may restrict him from accepting certain schools if he gets in. We will not be taking out major loans, and we discourage him from doing so as well.

That being said, we do support him making the choice of wherever he wants to apply. He made a late decision to switch from the natural sciences major he focused on for years to a more technical field instead, which totally changed the colleges that we looked at from the beginning of his junior year. He's chosen a major that not a lot of universities offer, so that cut out a lot of schools. He also decided that he wanted to stay in the northeast - we suggested a few excellent schools in other locations, but he was not interested!

We researched which universities had top marks in his newly chosen field, then visited those that appealed to him. It was very interesting to see his preferences come out, and how the "fit" of each school mattered to him. Some schools that I would have loved, he did not care for, and they went much further down on his list of potentials. Right now his top school is one that his dad has reservations about, but if he can get the merit aid needed, that is likely where he will go. His dad is hoping that DC's number 2 school will come through, but that is also out of our ability to pay for. He has a local university within our price range within his top five as a safety, and understands that that may be his fallback school if others don't accept him or offer enough merit/aid to cover costs. We have encouraged him to apply widely to target schools, with a few safeties and reaches in the mix. I have no doubt that he will be accepted to a school that offers his desired major and which he will enjoy - it just may not be his top choice school. We're just waiting to see who accepts him and what $ comes through!

Certainly he has appreciated our help with the paperwork - if he had to fill in the FAFSA, CSS and other financial paperwork on his own, I suspect there would have been errors that may have impacted his future. So much of that concerned parental finances, and I suspect a lot of kids are not on top of where all the family finances are distributed. Once the final acceptances come in, we will sit down and help him consider the pros and cons of each school, but the final choice will be his. Thus far, he has appreciated our help, as sifting through all the choices, the forms, the planning and paperwork can be overwhelming, even for an adult. It's finding the right balance so that your child gets the guidance they need.

It is amazing how over-involved so many parents are. Don't you trust your kids to make the right decisions for themselves (especially since so many on this board seem to have very high achieving kids)? I helped each of my kids come up with a list of schools based on what attributes they wanted and where they could get in. We pay the equivalent of in-state tuition. If our kids want to go out of state or private, they have to pay the difference (with loans). My oldest did choose to go out of state. This helps them be invested in their own education and their own decisions. After all, they are adults. Are you going to choose their careers for them and then where they can live? At some point, they have to start making decisions for themselves. Nothing wrong with some guidance and direction, but I strongly feel ultimately it needs to be their choice.

So much in my opinion rests on the individual student. Some know early on what they are good at and what they have a passion for, so choosing a college/university isn't as difficult as for the student who isn't really certain as to what career or job they want to pursue or their talents aren't as obvious. Another scenario is the unmotivated student who doesn't have the maturity or drive to seek out the information needed to make a choice. As other parents replied, with the cost of an education and the potential for crippling student loans, there will be a need for some guidance,-meaning the amount that parents can spend on tuition and related costs. They also should insist that their student research schools as this will make them more confident in their choice and decision making . The most difficult situation is the necessity for parents to correctly guide the immature student who probably needs to go to a community college rather than going away so they have more time to mature and explore their interests. I guess the best solution is to continually help your child explore their talents and interests so that they have an easier time in deciding upon a career or vocation that suits them. When they know what they want to do, choosing a college or technical training is not so difficult.