I grew up in a hypercritical family, and it was normal to point out mistakes in this way. I did it myself for a long time, and couldn't understand why people reacted so negatively, since otherwise I'm a nice and kind person, not judgmental.

I had to relearn how to deal with people to get better effort from them, and how to point out a mistake in a neutral way.

Always say things in a way that lets people save face and doesn't point fingers. Even if it's obviously their mistake, make it a neutral issue that the two of you deal with as a team, using each of your strengths to complement each other. It's amazing how well that works in getting people to do better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Person B (except that I'm very thorough when it comes to safety-related things, like the broken glass example). It's demoralizing. When you constantly criticize your spouse, you create a situation where nothing they do is good enough, so why bother? And it's affection-destroying.

My husband acts like he's doing me a big favor by keeping his mouth shut about mistakes and I should give him some credit for this (which of course, he has to tell me about), but never thinks that I do the same thing ALL THE TIME. Because sometimes, you just don't need to say anything. It's not your job to constantly correct another adult. You can just pick up the glass that got left out, or put away the magazine, or rinse out the sink or whatever, and then let it go. Also, when you pick at every single little thing, you blunt the force of your reasonable requests.

Have you considered how he feels picking up after you? Why can't you pick up the glass, put away the magazine, rinse out the sink etc.? You sound entitled.

I do those things, at least 90+ percent of the time. But God help me if I forget once. And you know what, I rinse out the sink after him every single day. If I notice that he left out a glass or something, I just pick it up myself. Because no one is perfect, and we're supposed to be a team.

Anonymous wrote:Scenario: Person A is very particular and must have things done perfectly. Person B is tired of criticism from Person A. A glass is broken in the kitchen (beither person A nor B is responsible). Person A asks Person B to clean it. Person B says why bother since it will not be done to your satisfaction and you will end up redoing it anyways. Person A suggests Person B clear the big pieces and then Person A will vacuum as a compromise. Person B agrees and clears the big pieces. While vacuuming, Person A holds up a piece of glass and says “this is the second piece like this I have picked up, FYI”.

Person B says, “see, i knew you would criticize”

Person A gets angry and says informing of a mistake is not criticizing and Person B has set an impossible standard of what constitutes criticizing.

Who is right?

This isn’t about the glass. Person B is exhausted from relentless negativity from Person A.

Person B has no real motivation to do a good job because they know that Person A is going to do a thorough cleaning anyways and they know that no matter how good of a job they do person A is going to criticize them and tell them it wasn't good enough.

There isn't going to be glass on the floor because Peraon A has already said they are going to clean up after Person B picks up the pieces. Person B knows Person A is doing the thorough cleaning so why suplicate the work?

Either Person A or Person B should have taken on the responsibility for the task. If Person B knew they were actually responsible, they would do a better job.

A and B are not compatible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are both exhausting. Person A is soul sucking and person B is doing a bad job on purpose.

What if Person B is not going a bad job on purpose. Person B is not performing to Person A’s standards and could try harder to meet the standards. But, Person B is performing to the standard that they would be happy with if they lived alone. How much responsibility does Person B have to step it up to try to meet Person A’s standards?

If you would be happy with broken glass remaining on the floor if you lived alone, then you are rather stupid and I feel bad for your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:I'm Person B (except that I'm very thorough when it comes to safety-related things, like the broken glass example). It's demoralizing. When you constantly criticize your spouse, you create a situation where nothing they do is good enough, so why bother? And it's affection-destroying.

My husband acts like he's doing me a big favor by keeping his mouth shut about mistakes and I should give him some credit for this (which of course, he has to tell me about), but never thinks that I do the same thing ALL THE TIME. Because sometimes, you just don't need to say anything. It's not your job to constantly correct another adult. You can just pick up the glass that got left out, or put away the magazine, or rinse out the sink or whatever, and then let it go. Also, when you pick at every single little thing, you blunt the force of your reasonable requests.

Have you considered how he feels picking up after you? Why can't you pick up the glass, put away the magazine, rinse out the sink etc.? You sound entitled.

Yikes, OP, you are a passive aggressive nightmare.

You really couldn't gather all the large pieces of glass? And you really can't figure out how that is important to, I dunno, avoiding injury?

And then because you are angry at being called on being lazy and selfish, you create a thread encouraging people to bash your significant other, knowing your significant other will see it. You even pop up to nudge people against your significant other where there are posts taking your significant other's side.

You are not a nice person and you need therapy.

It's really sad, and telling, that your spouse criticizes you so often and so relentlessly that you can't even post this question in the first person-- for fear of criticism from DCUM? Your spouse is a controlling dictator.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much responsibility does Person B have to step it up to try to meet Person A’s standards?

Does Person B benefit from random shards of glass not being in the apartment, even though Person B would allow that while living alone?

In the corner under a cabinet or under the fridge? No

Are there kids in this house? Pets? Is it a magical place where things don't move around and shift? Where the fridge might not scoot out and back in, causing completely unexpected glass in the middle of the floor? This whole thread is bonkers to me. If glass is broken, you clean it up. There is no acceptable amount of broken glass you just live with.

Our fridge does not "scoot out and back in". We found broken glass under it when we were moving.

Right?! Trying to figure under what circumstances a fridge would "scoot out and back in" other than an earthquake or mad sex against it and in this case the latter seems highly unlikely.

Anonymous wrote:Scenario: Person A is very particular and must have things done perfectly. Person B is tired of criticism from Person A. A glass is broken in the kitchen (beither person A nor B is responsible). Person A asks Person B to clean it. Person B says why bother since it will not be done to your satisfaction and you will end up redoing it anyways. Person A suggests Person B clear the big pieces and then Person A will vacuum as a compromise. Person B agrees and clears the big pieces. While vacuuming, Person A holds up a piece of glass and says “this is the second piece like this I have picked up, FYI”.

Person B says, “see, i knew you would criticize”

Person A gets angry and says informing of a mistake is not criticizing and Person B has set an impossible standard of what constitutes criticizing.

Who is right?

Person A and Person B suck. I couldn't live like this.

I'm Person B (except that I'm very thorough when it comes to safety-related things, like the broken glass example). It's demoralizing. When you constantly criticize your spouse, you create a situation where nothing they do is good enough, so why bother? And it's affection-destroying.

My husband acts like he's doing me a big favor by keeping his mouth shut about mistakes and I should give him some credit for this (which of course, he has to tell me about), but never thinks that I do the same thing ALL THE TIME. Because sometimes, you just don't need to say anything. It's not your job to constantly correct another adult. You can just pick up the glass that got left out, or put away the magazine, or rinse out the sink or whatever, and then let it go. Also, when you pick at every single little thing, you blunt the force of your reasonable requests.

Good god....
I totally see myself as Person A!!!!
And I hate to admit it.

Person B is totally correct.
B knows A is a Type A so B is smart enough to know not to help out A As A is rarely, if ever content.

The only time I tell DH how to do a household task is if it effects performance or safety. So don’t put glasses over the tines in the dishwasher (safety, glasses could break). But the order everything gets puts in. As long as it’s clean when it comes out, I don’t care how he does it. (Even though it drives me insane that he put the bowls there and the plates over there and why did you put those things in like that!?!) But my priority is 1) to have a helpful husband 2) happy marriage where I don’t turn into Mommy and him a child.

So in the glass situation I would have nicely pointed out the larger pieces of glass and continued to vacuum. And if it were me, I would’ve asked him to clean up to begin with and just remind him “don’t forget under the counters”. Because under the fridge really isn’t a safety issue.

And if A feels like Mommy to B child, then ask yourself, why are you still married to them? If you really are married to a child, f*cking get a divorce. And quit making it your mission to point out all the ways you are MOMMY and they are a CHILD.

Or figure out if you want a marriage of equals. Because equals do things differently. And equals allow for things to be perfect all the time.

And ask yourself if this is the hill you want to die on. Do you want to look at your child and say “we got a divorce and blew up your life because other parent couldn’t clean up broken glass”

I would rather walk on broken glass than be in this marriage.