Alcoholism is a progressive disease, untreated it only gets worse.

Signed,

Wife of a sober alcoholic

PP here. I should also mention that the first love of my life was a drug addict. So I've been there. I was so deeply in love. But I ended up having to leave. I'm now married. So life does go on. My ex eventually got clean several years later.

OP, have a talk with him. Explain that you love him and want to spend the future with him but this is a deal breaker. Say you are willing to stay if he gets help. And that if he gets help you will support him on the journey. But if not you're out. Good luck!

He is an alcoholic. Get rid of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he recognize he has a problem and is he actively getting help? A drink before work is very worrisome. Does he drive after drinking?

He recognizes he has a problem. He's been sober (involved with AA) a few times in the past. He doesn't see it as a huge issue for all of the reasons I listed in my OP. (And I kind of don't either.) If he'd burned a lot of bridges, or had a bad reputation, or was struggling professionally, or had legal/financial issues I would be concerned - but none of this is happening.

If you don't see it as a problem, why'd you post about it? To brag? Drinking before, during and after work is a problem.

OP, you need to consider what your future is going to be. He is all of these wonderful things now, but do you honestly know of anyone who is thankful that they married am alcoholic? Or had an alcoholic parent?

The issue that's even bigger than his alcoholism is the underlying issue that he is masking with alcohol. It is either enormous depression, enormous anxiety or bi polar. He is drinking because he has a huge amount of unhappiness that he is desperate to medicate.

People are being very respectful and gentle with you. I'm going to be respectful and firm. Don't let your fear of not finding another man blind you to what is right in front of you. Don't be foolish. Don't be stupid. Nobody is thankful that they married an alcoholic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

How long before you get sick of taking care of a grown man?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

I'd talk it over with him and see what he has to say. Men almost always show their true self. There's a chance he'll agree to stop drinking but it has tone for himself.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

This was my dad. He died at age 61 of cirrhosis of the liver. He had to keep drinking more and more to dull everything. There is a reason alcoholics drink. My dad was depressed growing up. His family was really messed up but they looked like the All American family from the outside. Dad worked in finance, mom was a SAHM, kids were well dressed and polite. They played sports, were in Scouts, mom played in a bridge group, dad volunteered at the fire department. The perfect family. Except that their dad drank. He was a functional alcoholic. Nobody knew outside the family. Older kid was visiting a kiddie shrink by age 7. My dad started drinking to numb himself from his family taunting him when he was drunk. His drinking continued and escaped but he rarely was fall down drunk. He held a good job for his entire life. My mom divorced him. I remember spending weekends with him. He was passed out by 7pm. Remarried a woman who would drink along with him. Only met his grandson once before he died but his liver was already failing him. Tried to get a liver transplant and they said no way. Maybe if he had gotten therapy when he was younger, he would've found other ways to cope. Who knows? OP- He won't change. He is drinking for a reason and that reason will not go away. He is choosing to numb himself with alcohol. Do not marry him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

It is. You know this. Your gut is telling you. Stop trying to rationalize the drink before going to work. There’s simply no way around it. None.
End it and move on.

^^ non-drinkers

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not an issue for me if he exercises daily and eat good food. No exercise and junk food would be an automatic deal breaker.

Completely crazy! You think good food and exercise can cancel out the long-term effects of alcohol? Cancer, heart disease, assorted mental illnesses . . .

It is my personal preference. It has nothing to do with canceling out the effects, I need exercise and good food and good drinks. I want my SO to be the same.
I don't care about statistics, especially when nobody in your family fits it (heavy drinkers living till 95 and non-standard dropping dead from strokes and heart attacks in their 50s and 60s.

why did he sober up last year? why did he start drinking again?