Anonymous
Post 10/10/2017 15:42     Subject: If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.


My mom was like you. She loved every minute of us being home and all our diffeby stages. Now we barely talk to her because she is in desperate need of therapy and will tell anyone who will listen about her childhood abuse. We can't have our kids around her to be frank. I am sure you were an awesome Mom though. Me, I work and have an amazing career and a few degrees and hang out with my kids after work and on the weeks and it is perfect for me. But yeah, you couldn't pay me to be a stay at home parent. Like not even a million dollars. I need my space and my kids need their space.


Your mom was like me? Um, I work as well. You assume only SAHMs enjoy being a parent and a wife?

Sorry your mom sucks ans smothered you. Hope you got help.
Anonymous
Post 10/10/2017 14:18     Subject: If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, as for serious answer, this is a very novel concept of "finding yourself." Family, farm, kids, work, all those were constantly together until recent history. The idea that you lost yourself in your kids, if you could find a parent in 1800s, what would they answer to that question? Assuming they are not some aristocratic flake with a lot of money? Having your own family was not so much the dream, as working the land to provide for your kids and kids pitching in, and everybody pitching in. And grandparents being there when you had your second, and third and fourth child. Daily grind as my teen would say. We live detached existence today. Not saying that I don't like it, I do. If I had to live with my mom or FIL, I'd probably be volunteering to work in the fields all day long. The idea that work and family are separate is novel, historically speaking. I was meant to be a mom, and I was meant to work and contribute. Honestly, even with 8 hours in the office, I think most people have more time for their kids now than in the past when you worked on the homestead or in a factory. The concept of losing yourself is quite honestly one of the more absurd ideas today.


This isn't true. Read "little women." This happens to Meg when she has her twins in the 1870's, and she gets advice from her mother who went through the same thing. (The advice is basically the same as this board... tell your husband to step it up and get back to doing some of the things you love). If you read any literature based on women and domestic life, this feeling of being consumed by young children and losing yourself comes up over and over again.
G


Literature isn't real life. Plus add rich to my exeptional list. Seriously, novels?
Anonymous
Post 10/10/2017 13:36     Subject: Re:If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, why don't men have this problem? Why don't men make their kids the center of their world and their identity?


I think that men do this with work. I actually think it's better in the long run to make your children/friends/family the center of your universe. I have met so many retired men who just feel completely useless following retirement or a job loss.


useless at home and useless at work. yeah, that'll do it.
Anonymous
Post 10/10/2017 13:31     Subject: If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:How did you find yourself again?


Once my youngest was 2 yo: I got a ballbuster job again (i.e. got OFF the damn Mommy Track, downshift job I tried out), starting working out at 6am or 9pm most days, scheduled social nights w/ spouse and sometimes other couples, bought all new work clothes, and made super good friends with my kids' school parents, sports parents, dance parents, etc.

My husband took my cue and starting working out again and not dumping household mgmt. on me. No time for deadweights. I basically stopped putting myself last. I did however, have to continue to run the household myself and all the kid stuff. My husband did ZERO in terms of getting the in to private school and to this day, does not know anyone from school, their teams, the neighborhood or their schedules. He's a workaholic ADHD'er. Brilliant at the office of course. And his Mommy is so proud. But at home he is left in the dust, as he prefers it. This I had to accept. Thankfully we only have girls.
Anonymous
Post 10/10/2017 09:35     Subject: Re:If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
The main thing that happened is that my kids got older and could do more for themselves. I definitely felt swallowed up by small kids (I'm just not a small kid person) but I love having teenagers. Once my kids were old enough to have conversations I found it a lot less taxing to be a parent. They could tell me what was going on with them and vice versa. No two ways about it, though -- when they're little they just take more of your time and effort. It passes. Or, I guess more accurately, it turns into time and effort that is more interesting (at least for me).
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2017 13:44     Subject: If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry to rain on the misery parade, nut my kids are now older and I love being their mom. I loved when they were little and when the "consumed" me. I'm actually not even sure what you all mean. Kids are a lot of work. That wasn't a secret when you gpt pregnant. I also married a real man and both of us always carved out time alone, time togethet, and time as a family. I don't have hobbies like playing the violin, widdling wood, or scuba diving, but Ive always worked out. That's not a hobby, just basic maintenance.

Don't worry ladies, one day you will be able to let go of all that pent up resentment motherhood has caused you. Your kids will grow up and hardly visit. Maybe if your dream comes true, your all consuming marriage will end.


My mom was like you. She loved every minute of us being home and all our diffeby stages. Now we barely talk to her because she is in desperate need of therapy and will tell anyone who will listen about her childhood abuse. We can't have our kids around her to be frank. I am sure you were an awesome Mom though. Me, I work and have an amazing career and a few degrees and hang out with my kids after work and on the weeks and it is perfect for me. But yeah, you couldn't pay me to be a stay at home parent. Like not even a million dollars. I need my space and my kids need their space.


.....uh, ok? TBH sounds like you could probably use a little therapy yourself.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2017 13:43     Subject: If you felt like you lost yourself because of marriage and parenthood
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you could probably cross the marriage part out of your question. It’s when women have babies and their entire existence is consumed by the baby and they give up their identity because ZOMG MY CHILD IS THE CENTER OF MY WORLD AND I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE MOM IF I PURSUED MY OWN INTERESTS!!

And yes, I’m a woman.

You sound unstable:


My thoughts exactly