Anonymous wrote:I think every situation is unique.

In the case of men, for some it embarrassment over performance. Whether it be due to PE, ED or mental roadblocks. Did you say something that could be taken as critical? Do you let him know you are enjoying it? Do you let him know too loudly or too much that you are enjoying it? Did you fake it? All sorts of medications can cause performance issues and at that point, some men just, resign themselves to being done. Some still believe in "traditional roles" and if they feel emasculated, well....

With both genders, when there is a significant frequency disparity, I think it works against them. The partner that wants more frequency has a sense of urgency and consistently raises the issue. This makes them seem, desperate, needy, and/or depraved to the partner that doesn't understand not being able to control the urge. The lack of sex frustrates one partner while simultaneously turning the other partner off. The "needy" partner becomes less desirable to the "prude" partner. In time, each digs in a little further to their position and things spiral.

Much of this comes from how we are raised. "sex is bad." "don't have sex."

And for others, it is external pressures. Work, friends, family. Or resentment (see the "she got fat" above)
This, there are men who are suffering of ED, but blame the woman for it because she has put on some weight.

It's really hard to know as each of us has our secrets, our desires and our idiosyncrasies and nowhere do those things come out more than in our sexual lives. We are constantly evolving and changing as people but unless we strive to understand, accommodate and please one another, we will often find ourselves at odds. It is an unfortunate truth.

Anonymous wrote:Two years! It just stopped. My DH is very handsome and very fit. I am not as fit as when I was younger but I am 52 years old. Look 35, 5 ft 4. 130. I think my DH hates that I am not the rock hard body I was in my youth. It starting to bother me in a deep level that he doesn’t have an interest in me. I think he may be having an office fling but because I am not allowed at his work... who knows! Venting...

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Anonymous wrote:As a DW in the same situation, I will be following this thread with much interest.

I'm also a DW in a sexless marriage. Married 5 years and haven't had sex in 3. The last 2 times we did it, I got pregnant both times (one MC, one toddler). DH has a chronic health issue and acts tired and lazy all the time. Even before DC came along, sex had become infrequent and I was always the initiator. I gave up because I got tired of crying myself to sleep after my attempts to have sex were rejected. I never thought I'd be in my mid-30s and not be having any sex at all. I have told DH that it's not normal but it's not easy to talk about. I want another baby now and don't know what to do. It's depressing.

FWIW, I'm thin, HWP, attractive, and others seem to like me. I think I'm a good, intelligent person.

Ugh. I am in a terrifyingly similar situation. I, too, with all the things I worried about / problems I envisioned encountering in my life, never even considered being in my thirties and in a sexless marriage. It's mind-boggling to me. And it sucks because I don't feel like I can talk about it to many people in real life...I feel a definite shame (and anger, and sadness...) about it. FTR I too am thinking about wanting another baby in the near future and don't quite know what to do. In one way, is it wise to being another child into a problematic marriage? But in another, it's not like it's a high conflict marriage, and the truth is I don't think this is something I would end it over...things are pretty good otherwise, and I'm realistic. But damn it really does suck...

I'm not sure what HWP is, but I'm also thin / fit and attractive. And if I didn't bring it up (...not that bringing it up ever changes anything), we would literally just NEVER talk about it. Like it seems he wants to just pretend sex is not something that even exists

PP. I empathize with you and have had the same thoughts.

It kills me when my friends talk about how much sex they're having with their husbands. I've never divulged that I'm in a sexless marriage and just smile and play along.

It's worse when it's drilled into your mind that men think about and want to have sex all the time. Why, then, doesn't he want to do it with me? DH isn't the cheating type and doesn't work late. It doesn't compute.

HWP = height/weight proportionate. I didn't "let myself go" when I had a baby, either.

urban dictionary says HWP is really just a way to hide your weight. What give you more info, me telling you I'm 5"1' and 115# or HWP? Obviously the former.

I'm not hiding anything. 5'8" and 140.

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Anonymous wrote:Because she rarely wants to have sex with me. If it can be fixed, she'll have to be part of the solution. Anything I've tried solely on my end has been ineffective.

You haven’t tried everything. Your wife has decided that sex isn’t important to her. Inform her it is to you. If she’s not interested, seek assistance outside the marriage. She doesn’t have to know. If she finds out, well then she should realize why you did what you did.

I have told my wife sex is important to me. That doesn't seem to matter to her.

Inform her you will be doing that “unimportant thing” with your new side piece.

I wouldn’t go nuclear option yet. Try counseling to see if you can find out why. If that doesn’t work, then inform her since she’s not interested you’re going to find someone who is. In order to “save” the marriage she’ll throw a session here and there that way she’ll be able to say “but we were having sex” and take away the blame. Don’t accept them, especially if it’s stsrfish sex. Anything less then her being an enthusiastic participant won’t do, trust me. If she throws out a piece once every couple of weeks and she’s responsive as a dead animal, you’re going to feel like crap. And sorry, no amount of massage pills or other foreplay activities will change that. She’ll probably not want to do them anyways.

It’s tough man, I’ve been there.