Anonymous wrote:I suspect my DH has had an affair but I can't prove it, other than missing money from bank accounts (he says he spent the money on coffee and "usual stuff" which doesn't make sense). I know he is a liar. Now I just need to prove it. I would love for AP, or anybody, to tell me the truth. At least then I could address the problem or I could leave without any guilt or hesitation.

Can you hire a PI? My spouse was so clean—only used Skype with no trace. Lies were impeccable. Hacked iPhone locator on his phone.

There is no way I would have found out otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair has the effect of shaking up the marriage and forcing you both to take a look at what you both need to do to reconnect. But you have be willing to take responsibility for your actions, be accountable, and do the work to win back the trust.

The biggest betrayal in infidelity is dishonesty. You need to be upfront about it instead of keeping it from your spouse. You'll never be able to work on the connection otherwise.

Don’t tell your spouse! If you are going to stay and work onto save him/her they pain.

Strong disagree, from the point of view of the cheated-upon spouse. If I'd had the same information that my ex had, about a pattern of infidelity, I could have made an informed decision. I deserved that information, and to make whatever choice I needed to make once I had it.

Keeping it from your partner is not only unfair, but it gives you a power that is unearned.

I suspect my DH has had an affair but I can't prove it, other than missing money from bank accounts (he says he spent the money on coffee and "usual stuff" which doesn't make sense). I know he is a liar. Now I just need to prove it. I would love for AP, or anybody, to tell me the truth. At least then I could address the problem or I could leave without any guilt or hesitation.

Anonymous wrote:In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

How long has it been? Has the pain lessened any for you? I am in the very early stages of this and it seems insurmountable.

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse probably detects something is wrong, so while you are trying to reconnect it's going to set off more alarms that something was up

Agree. And if the AP or AP’s betrayed spouse then notifies him, it is going to make things 1,000 times worse—this charade of “now I want you after I f@cked somebody else for years.”

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse is in shock and now depression. I‘Ve been there. It’s awful. The betrayer gets to just “I’m back. Aren’t you lucky? I’m a changed person”. While the one that didn’t cheat is emotionally destroyed for good. It is like we are supposed to be happy they decided to choose us. Not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

This.

I gave SEVERE PTSD after my husband’s affair. And, yes, he took her out of town on one of his business trips. The pain is unbearable.

The lies were ridiculous and believable so now anything that comes out of his mouth is not to be believed.

It’s the worst thing you can do to someone.

It sounds like your marriage can't be saved. Why aren't you leaving in this case?

Your spouse probably detects something is wrong, so while you are trying to reconnect it's going to set off more alarms that something was up

Anonymous wrote:In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

This.

I gave SEVERE PTSD after my husband’s affair. And, yes, he took her out of town on one of his business trips. The pain is unbearable.

The lies were ridiculous and believable so now anything that comes out of his mouth is not to be believed.

It’s the worst thing you can do to someone.

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Anonymous wrote:An affair has the effect of shaking up the marriage and forcing you both to take a look at what you both need to do to reconnect. But you have be willing to take responsibility for your actions, be accountable, and do the work to win back the trust.

The biggest betrayal in infidelity is dishonesty. You need to be upfront about it instead of keeping it from your spouse. You'll never be able to work on the connection otherwise.

Don’t tell your spouse! If you are going to stay and work onto save him/her they pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to come clean with your spouse. This doesn't always end a marriage, but this is not your decision to make alone.

DO NOT DO THIS



It IS your decision to make, alone. You had the affair, you did that alone. Now you stop it. Alone.

Letting him know crosses a Rubicon that can NEVER BE UNCROSSED. Do not do this. If he finds out on his own, so be it. Deal with that if it happens. But don't force it by telling him. Think of it as protecting him, if you must. But don't tell him.

People say this all the time, but IMO it is self-serving BS. I, for one, would rather know the truth of my marriage and deal with it rather than live a pretend life deceptively structured to "protect me." It's just a way to let the straying spouse get to have their cake and eat it too.

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

In the unlikely event that you stay together after your spouse finds out (an there is a good chance he or she will): Be prepared for years of bad emotional triggers and PTSD.

You and your AP went on a business trip to Boston? For the rest of spouse’s life, Boston will be a trigger. Certain items, places, events will be seared in your spouse’s mind and it be recurring pain. Yes this has happened to me. Yes, OP, you have inflicted that pain on your spouse. You want to stay together, that is not going away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:70% of people have affairs. Humans are not monogamous. People need to get their jeads out ofbthr sand and realize this. Monogamy is a cultural construct that our culture has adopted.

Would i be upset if my DH had an affair? Yes. Would it be the end of my marriage? No.

Interesting, I feel the same way and I am a man. It seems like such a dumb reason to end an otherwise good marriage. Note the reference to "otherwise good" since many women who have affairs are unhappy at home where men do it mostly for the sex.

How good is the marriage if someone is cheating?