21:40 here and I agree wholeheartedly with PP. If you’re in group 3, talk therapy won’t fix this the child or sibling. (Although it might be helpful for you, just to process it all ).

If they're worth their salt, they'll tell you that most such cases involve intractable mental health issues on the part of the younger person, despite the possible existence of diagnoses, treatments, and management attempts by parents.

And there is no magic solution, OP.

^^ PP still here — Even though everyone here is making fun of group one and disparaging the parents, OP I really hope that that is your situation more or less. Because Group 3 is heartbreaking for everyone involved, even though as a parent or sibling you carry on with a cheerful, or at least calm and neutral, way. But believe me it’s hard on everyone.

Look, some young adults in their parents’ home are lazy and entitled and clueless, others are industrious and are saving their money and being smart, and others have mental illnesses, whether diagnosed or not.

If your child or sibling falls into the latter, you need to be very clear eyed about it, and have a special trust set up in place for when their parents have passed away, and signed them up for Medicaid, and also apply for SSI disability (which can require them at least having an apartment address on their own Even if they spend a lot of time at their parents home

Anonymous wrote:Parents are mainly to blame but the dependent adult child often resists therapy for their issue (again, could be severe anxiety, depression, etc). These parents typically refuse to kick their child out due to guilt or fear that the child will harm themselves or others. I know for some of you out there this is laughable, and on some level I get it, but I am really hoping to find referrals to someone who has expertise in this area.

As a parent of a young adult (currently at college) with severe mental illness, I have trouble with the idea that parents are "to blame". I have no idea what the future holds for my kid, right now he's on an upward trajectory, but the idea that it's as simple as kicking him out is absurd. My kid's illness clearly has a genetic component. Other close relatives with similar diagnoses have experienced homelessness, and long term hospitalization. I'm not sure that's a better outcome.

If my kid had a different diagnosis that prevented him from living independently as a young adult, such as Down syndrome, or CP, people wouldn't blame me for allowing him to stay home. Why do we make different assumptions for people with severe mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

Great. Then you have yet another mentally fragile person on the street who sooner or later consumes public resources. Taxpayers will thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

THE PERSON IN QUESTION IS OP’s SISTER, NOT HER CHILD! Please read the thread and stop being a jerk. She’s trying to help and y’all are shaming her for no reason.

Is this your child? You don’t need a therapist. You need to parent. Tell man child that he hasn’t until x date to get out of your house. He needs to get a job. On that date, help him move out. If hesso incompetent that he doesn’t know howto find a place to live, help him get a place with roommates. The crappier the better. Do not pay for it. On that day, take his cell phone off your plan. Stop paying for car insurance and take back the car you own that he drives. It’s tough love.

It makes me sad to see so many people making fun of this when almost always there is an issue of mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is an extremely embarrassing and humiliating problem. I see why some think it's funny. Vast majority of young adults move on to independence but some can't do it because of a toxic combination of poor parenting + unaddressed psychological issues. It's what 11:49 said.

I feel for you. My childhood best friend is 42 and due to a series of poor life choices and untreated mental health issues, lives with her mother. I worry so much for her. I have no idea how she will support herself in old age. She’s been working temp jobs for a decade while continuing to apply for permanent jobs that are way beyond her experience. She won’t listen to my advice to apply for lower level positions and work her way up in an organization.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much to those who took the time to write thoughtful replies. There's a reason why I am posting on an anonymous forum -- I am often overwhelmed with the shame knowing that my family situation has spiraled out of control for such a long time. I can't talk about this with friends and family because they often don't know what to say, and it's humiliating. My sibling is well past that window of a typical AED (which I would guess is between 18-30). When someone is pushing 40 and still has avoidant personality issues, anxiety, depression, and can't and won't do anything about it - I honestly don't know if anything can be done. But the resources pointed out are extremely helpful.

I’m reviving this thread because my 19yr.old son is failing to embrace life and has been offered many opportunities but he just can’t embrace them. I think he is afraid of boredom, he’s a gamer and craves that safe zone. He managed to finish high school but that was almost a year ago. Since then he’s gone to one job interview and they offered him the job but he turned it down. It’s so sad, he was such a bright kid who loved play dates but he no longer fits anywhere.

Thank you so much to those who took the time to write thoughtful replies. There's a reason why I am posting on an anonymous forum -- I am often overwhelmed with the shame knowing that my family situation has spiraled out of control for such a long time. I can't talk about this with friends and family because they often don't know what to say, and it's humiliating. My sibling is well past that window of a typical AED (which I would guess is between 18-30). When someone is pushing 40 and still has avoidant personality issues, anxiety, depression, and can't and won't do anything about it - I honestly don't know if anything can be done. But the resources pointed out are extremely helpful.

The Thrive Center in Columbia, MD offers free parent support groups for failure to launch young adults. They have a whole program for failure to launch, Heron's Gate.

http://www.mythrive.net/_pages/herons_gate/_herons_gate_intro.

"FREE SUPPORT GROUP for PARENTS of
STRUGGLING TO LAUNCH YOUNG ADULTS
TOPIC FOR THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 ST , 6:00 PM:

PART 2: EMPOWERING OR ENABLING:
SKILL BUILDING FOR SETTING LIMITS

Transitioning a struggling young adult to independence is a tough task for parents.

Don't do it alone. Our monthly Parent Support Group gives you the chance to speak with The Thrive Center's mental health professionals -- who specialize in struggling to launch - for solid information and tips, and for answering your most pressing questions about motivating and mobilizing your young adult.

And join a community of parents who want to share their experiences and get your ideas about how to best guide your young adult towards launch.

Sponsor: The Heron's Gate Program at The THRIVE Center
What: Free, monthly parent support group for parents of struggling to launch young adults.
When: 3rd Thursday of every month, 6:00 - 7:30pm
Where: The Thrive Center offices, 6310 Stevens Forest Road, Suite #100, Columbia MD 20146
How: RSVP to Sara Love at 410.740.3240 or at: RSVP HERE

ALL PARENTS OF YOUNG ADULTS WELCOME! "

My sister was at home until she was 30. She had a job that paid well and a boyfriend and lots of friends. She is however very careful with money and couldn't see the point of moving out! She eventually did, paid cash for her house with all the money she saved and is now married with small children.

Not everyone does it because they have AED!!

This is hilarious. Kick their ass out of the house and tell them to get a job!