Anonymous wrote:At my daughter's school (she's in 9th grade), popular refers to anyone to is well-liked, not afraid to speak up, participates in activities (my daughter is in marching band), and has a large group of friends. The girls who are "slutty" are NOT popular. They are the ones the other kids stay away from, especially since some of them at her school seem to have a pregnancy pact going on. So all schools are different, I assume. She is considered popular at her school. My other daughter was not, got mixed up with a bad crowd, so I sent her to live with her dad in Oklahoma, where the school has only 80 students in grades 9-12. The one my younger daughter is at has around 600 students in the same grades. My older daughter is still not popular, but I don't care because she is doing much better and is no longer around that bad crowd of kids. Popular isn't as important as safe and happy, IMO.

Totally agree with you. Popular is well-liked (or admired). The slutty crowd is that -- the slutty crowd. There may be some popular kids in that crowd and more that are not. Popular is a stupid term and very meaningless in 10 years after HS. Happy is way more important. But that being said, there are a lot of posters on this thread whose kids are NOT popular, and they care quite a bit and are are making accusations that the popular crowd is mean, slutty, druggy, whatever. Worry about your kid being happy and fitting in whatever group they are comfortable in but don't put down the "popular" crowd to them --"you don't want to be in that group anyway because they are mean and slutty" It is not a good lesson. Focus on their own positives not the negatives of a group that they might envy in some way, it is not a habit that will serve them well in the future. They need to be comfortable in their skin from the inside.

At my daughter's school (she's in 9th grade), popular refers to anyone to is well-liked, not afraid to speak up, participates in activities (my daughter is in marching band), and has a large group of friends. The girls who are "slutty" are NOT popular. They are the ones the other kids stay away from, especially since some of them at her school seem to have a pregnancy pact going on. So all schools are different, I assume. She is considered popular at her school. My other daughter was not, got mixed up with a bad crowd, so I sent her to live with her dad in Oklahoma, where the school has only 80 students in grades 9-12. The one my younger daughter is at has around 600 students in the same grades. My older daughter is still not popular, but I don't care because she is doing much better and is no longer around that bad crowd of kids. Popular isn't as important as safe and happy, IMO.

Anonymous wrote:I was not "popular" in the general class population, (although I was kind of the most popular/leader of my little group of 4-5 girls).

I think being truly "popular" is pretty much a negative... seems to me like it boxes you into doing certain things. The ones who have the best set up are the ones who are on the sides of the most popular crowd, -- not totally stylish, but a little sporty, not especially cute -- just simply relate-able to everyone. Usually there are a few of these in every grade. They don't try very hard, but they just get along with every social group... naturally. Those are the ones who have the best situation. They are the social geniuses. (and I think they just come by it naturally).

Barring the above, I wouldn't want my kids to carry the stress of the "in" crowd. Too limiting. I'd rather have my kids have a small group of friends who are not popular, but very relate-able, very loyal, very down to earth. They don't have to appease anyone.

this was me in HS, which in retrospect really was perfect but my girlfriends and I were still all pretty self conscious in our own ways about something, so I think that is often just the age. I did desperately wish any of my crushes could see me as someone other than a friend though- which again in retrospect, the ones with the closest ties that lasted are not the ones that had long term BF/GF relationships draining their time. I would love it if my kids didn't bother with that shit until senior year

I grew up in this area and went to private schools.

The popular kids did not crash and burn as adults and those who were popular in school ended up being just as "popular" in adult life and very successful. My social media is filled with those people's accomplishments. They aren't even braggy about it.

The popular kids were involved in sports, were leads in play, heads of clubs, partied on weekends. Almost none ended up junkies or alcoholics. Their parents were present in their lives as well. I will go out on a limb and say this is likely still the case today in private schools and other mainly upper SES public schools in our area

Looking back, I think being popular helped them shore up and establish social skills that were needed for life long success. They got to practice and establish these skills needed for networking, negotiation and just general socializing long before needed and long before they even knew that they would need them.

I often wonder now how much social engineering was taking place behind the scenes that involved parents. My own mom and dad were not into the social scene so I can't know for sure but I don't doubt that the same social engineering and hovering was going on 20 yrs ago. And I bet those parents learned it from their own parents.

So today, when I see parents who are successful - high SES, high status jobs, trying to social engineer their young child's lives, I do wonder if they are not on to something and that is part of the cycle of upward mobility.

Anonymous wrote:My 10 y.o., 5th grade DD definitely knows there is a "popular" crowd, as do her friends. At this age, it seems to be the kids who:
-have permissive parents (doesn't mean "bad" but they universally are very lenient with most things);
-have phones and text/musical.ly/snapchat/IG constantly already;
-are into boys/girls and have started "dating."

They are not all mean kids. But, they do tend to stick together to the exclusion of others. Some of them used to be my DD's friends so it can be hurtful (she's not into any of the above).

I've tried to tell her that popularity isn't a real thing. Because it's not, really. 25 years out from HS, popularity of someone in 11th grade means nothing. I told her to surround herself with kind people and be kind herself. And that life is not a sprint. Everyone develops, does things, tries things, etc. at their own pace.

From OP - you are awesome. Thank you for this post. To many other PPs - seems I have struck a popularity nerve among Moms, yikes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular exists only in the minds of parents. This shouldn't even be on your radar, OP.

These days, teens find like-minded friends no matter how quirky. The extroverted will perhaps give off the aura of being "popular", since they smile and talk with everyone, but everyone, most of all themselves (!), know how fleeting and superficial that is.

Please focus your energies elsewhere.

Not the OP, but this is completely incorrect. I have a 13 yr. old daughter and she (and her friends) are very aware of who the "popular" kids are. That's what they call them, in fact. The "popular" girls (and boys) are the ones who skew promiscuous. The girls wear incredibly short shorts (showing butt cheek) and show too much skin all over. They are typically not very smart or nice and talk like Kim Kardashian. They post inappropriate pictures of themselves at parties. And no, the "popular" do not smile and talk with everyone - they stay very much to themselves and their own insular cliques. Popular doesn't mean what you think it means these days. And yes, this is what is reported by my daughter and her friends. It's not just me, or "existing only the minds of parents."

I do agree that teens find like-minded friends. My daughter is in what seems to be the "normal" group - not popular as defined above, but still plenty of friends (who don't act like the above descriptions).

Wow! Talk about generalizing and rationalizing to make yourself feel better about your 13!!! year old not being "popular." The fact is that teens today don't know how to maintain and keep friendships and this popularity is becoming antiquated term. But to you popular means a slut? Talk about being in the dark ages. Sad fact is that you have no clue what you are talking about. Nobody is truly popular anymore, they are all staring at their phones and think they are popular if they get a like, and very few have meaningful circle of friends like teens did in the past.

Wow yourself. Seems I hit a nerve. I never said my daughter didn't have friends - I said she's not part of that "popular" group, for which I'm very grateful. I don't know where your kids go to school, but at my daughter's MS, the "popular" crowd is very much the promiscuous crowd. They hook up with each other at parties and then post about it. They make out in the hallway when the administrators aren't around. They even hook up in the school bathrooms. So, that's what "popular" means at my daughter's school. Sorry it somehow makes you feel bad. I'm also sorry your teen "doesn't know how to maintain and keep friendships." If anything, it sounds like you know your daughter can't make good friends and you're generalizing and rationalizing that *no* teen is able to do this. Which makes you the one who "has no clue."

I did wow myself. That was my first sentence. I don't know which school your DD goes to, maybe you need to change your child's school? In my DD's circle of friends, now in HS, she knows exactly who are promiscuous girls, and most of them are not popular, just the opposite, kids who you would think are best behaved, quiet and then there is a video of them posted. There have been numerous incidents like this just last year. I was plain stunned when my DD told me which kids were those. These are things that a parent like you needs to start thinking about. These kids are doing this for attention. When I ask my DD is there are popular kids at her school, she says that there are many groups of kids and that nobody is that popular, but maybe popular in their friend group.

My 11 year old DD also mentions 'popular' girls. I do think it's a thing and she does not seem to care very much either, though the way she mentions them makes me think she thinks it's a good or powerful thing to be popular.