Anonymous wrote:I found this by looking for a post on limerence. I'm pretty sure I experienced this, but all the "tools" you read about, like letting it run it's course and "no contact" did not work for me. It's been years. Does anyone have any experience like this carrying a torch for that long? I have always been someone who very rarely falls for someone, so this whole situation for me is very distressing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

It hurts because I want to remain friends with someone who, because of the affectionate feelings one or both parties feel toward each other, I really have to cut out of my life and I can't even tell them why. I can't speak for your husband but can swear to you that my crush/limerence hit me like a truck I did not see coming and I wasn't expecting. I love my spouse and hate that my heart has deviated this way. I don't want to be melodramatic but I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, feel like my work is suffering, and have lost several pounds in a few weeks. I know how deranged this sounds but I'm about as cynical and unromantic a person you'd ever meet. I'll take the blame for letting co-worker into my life but I didn't see this coming. Maybe your husband didn't either but obviously I'm not aware of the circumstances.

Thanks for sharing. I guess what I don't understand is the sense of pain and drama over an unrequited crush, when you have a loving spouse who is really there for you (and who could really be hurt by even knowing that you feel this way.) I guess it must be hard to get that perspective when you are in the middle of this. In my husband's case, I think he just liked the ego boost he got from her attention and it was hard to let that go.[i] If I could offer advice, focus on what really matters in your life and don't take your spouse for granted.

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks for sharing. I guess what I don't understand is the sense of pain and drama over an unrequited crush, when you have a loving spouse who is really there for you (and who could really be hurt by even knowing that you feel this way.) I guess it must be hard to get that perspective when you are in the middle of this. In my husband's case, I think he just liked the ego boost he got from her attention and it was hard to let that go. If I could offer advice, focus on what really matters in your life and don't take your spouse for granted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

It hurts because I want to remain friends with someone who, because of the affectionate feelings one or both parties feel toward each other, I really have to cut out of my life and I can't even tell them why. I can't speak for your husband but can swear to you that my crush/limerence hit me like a truck I did not see coming and I wasn't expecting. I love my spouse and hate that my heart has deviated this way. I don't want to be melodramatic but I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, feel like my work is suffering, and have lost several pounds in a few weeks. I know how deranged this sounds but I'm about as cynical and unromantic a person you'd ever meet. I'll take the blame for letting co-worker into my life but I didn't see this coming. Maybe your husband didn't either but obviously I'm not aware of the circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

My husband went through something like this and I have struggled to understand it, as we have been working on our marriage. Can you explain what it is about this experience that "hurts like hell"? I still don't understand that part.

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, this thread is enormously helpful even if people have disagreement over the definitions. I recently cut contact with the object of my workplace crush. What will never get sorted out (because it's impossible to ask) is whether this person even knew how I felt, and for sure I'll never know if they reciprocated. The crush was not something I saw coming and though I am happily married I never thought a crush could hurt this much. Marriage vows are more important than my feelings, but this hurts like hell and I don't know how long this can go on. Anyway, thank you to OP and others who are sharing. Only safe place for me to learn and consider this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I experienced this with a coworker. After a few weeks of love-bombing and soul-mating me, she went cold under the guise of "doing the right thing" (she'd been caught in an affair previously - go figure). But then she'd rekindle everything because it was "futile" to fight the natural attraction. Wash, rinse, repeat. After a year of riding this emotional roller coaster, I became obsessed, all while trying to maintain a normal affectionate front at home. A little research revealed this is the precise pattern used by Narcissists to ensnare and then control their victims. (The hot/cold pattern is addictive because the hot feels so good after the cold.) I've since gone "No Contact" and it feels liberating. She still consumes many of my thoughts (she's stunningly attractive), but they're more diagnostic than romantic pining. I've always been a hopeless romantic and tend to idealize (easier when the object is not obtainable). If OP is limerencing, it might be worth digging a little deeper into the cause how realistic her impressions are.

Wow! I am literally experiencing the same thing with a former coworker but it's been 2 years and I'm female. Same "pattern" and I am extremely attracted to him. It's hard for me to get over that initial feeling from the beginning of our relationship. I always go back to that in my head. Trying the "no contact, but it's only been a few days. This post opened my eyes a lot. Thank you

PP here...Yes, that initial "connection" with a Narcissist is called the Idealization phase and it sets the hook deep inside you. As a normal, empathetic person, you keep thinking it can be sustained or reacquired if you work hard enough to recreate the circumstances. They love watching you work! Google is your friend here, but start with the web site called Esteemology. Great, informative blogs on these abusive/dysfunctional relationships and recovering from same. I've been No Contact for 4 weeks. After she suddenly flopped on me again, I sent her an email requesting that she avoid all future contact (so far, so good). That was a difficult email to send because of my addiction, but I felt like I had to burn that bridge to regain the sanity I lost over the last year, move forward, and focus on my home life. Yes, I'm losing a close "friend" that I loved spending time with, but also a tormentor. In response to previous questions, I admit I have some codependent tendencies and love the role of "rescuer" in relationships. One of the blogs stated: Success + Codependent + Narcissist = Disaster. We have this exact dynamic going on. And yes, I'm conscious of DW's 6th sense about the wellbeing of my psyche. Out of fear and guilt, I never mention beautiful CW's name, which is telling in itself. All the more reason for No Contact, lest innocent people get hurt. It's a beautiful looking piece of cake, but it's got sawdust for flour and dog poop for icing. Don't eat it!