FWIW, I don't see the big deal about having xmas at home, and I was a kid who had most of them at home! But what I loved was having all my extended family together - even though we got together frequently. I cherish the intergenerational bonds and traditions in our families (moms and dad's sides). I love passing that on to my boys which means no xmas in our living room on the 25th except maybe once every 4years, maybe only 1 time in the "santa years"- YMMV but I think a different perspective never hurts

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said earlier that the gifts are the sticking point. I'd let it go. If the grandparents don't want to give the gifts to the kids until they see them, let them have their way. The kids will probably appreciate the gifts more in February or March or summer or whenever they get them.

We also have far-flung family and spend most every Christmas at home (sometimes the stars align and we all spend Christmas at a family vacation house which DH and I love but my kids are less than thrilled about). There are better times, less stressful times to travel.

OP here. The issues is the gifts. I just don't want to go travel for a 2nd Christmas in January. It's ridiculous. So yes, we could wait until we see the parents again, but that's not really a solution. They'll still treat it like a 2nd Christmas whenever we see them.

I'm debating just mailing their gifts in December and hoping they mail ours to us. Or come visit us if they want to celebrate a 2nd Christmas. I don't want to travel twice.

OP, why isn't that a solution? You said you don't want the gifts so what's the big deal. Wait until March or July or whenever you see them again and forget about Christmas gifts unless they bring it up. Keep reminding them (before hand) that they are very welcome to celebrate Christmas at your house but you won't be able to travel THIS SEASON so it would be great to see them if they come to your house, but otherwise, we'll see you when we can make it out there.

I guess we kind of do 2- one with either side of our family and then another "let's let the kids open their gifts" time during a visit either before or after actual xmas with the other side- the difference is that the grandparents who we didn't see travel to US- I think that is the only way to make it tenable. Just tell BOTH sides that you can't travel 2 times in a month and that you are happy to help them visit you (if you can swing that) around holidays on their off year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Multiple Christmases is crazy. Did you do that with your grandparents as a kid? I doubt it.

It's selfish for the grandparents to want to each have a full blown Christmas every year. Let them travel to you or send gifts and Skype Christmas morning. Sheesh.

OP here. DH's grandparents were local so he did go around on Christmas to a couple houses, but had the real Christmas on Christmas morning in his own living room.

My grandparents were both cross country and I spend every other Christmas with them and every other Christmas in my own living room. That's what I'm trying to work towards.

I think the gifts are the sticking point. They want to hold the gifts until they see the grandkids.

What's wrong with holding the gifts until they seem them? That's reasonable.

You shouldn't feel compelled to travel. They can travel to you and bring gifts...whenever they like.

I think it's so interesting that you completely accept that grandpa and grandma will NEVER travel, but you question your own desire to have Christmas at home.

Why are they allowed to have preferences, and you are not?

Trust me, if you draw the line and stick to it, they'll start to think travel isn't so bad. Which could be good or bad for you, but at least you'll still have your Christmas at home.

I would stop letting them use the gifts as a power struggle. It's their choice to gift them or not. You don't need to worry about what their choice is. Decide what you prefer for the holidays and do that regardless of what their threatening with the gifts.
I would just stay home every Christmas and keep the open invitation. They will complain about it. They will start fights over it. They may refuse to come or send gifts. Just ignore it.
If you want to share in visiting them for a holiday, I think it would be easier to alternate Thanksgivings. You have a long weekend from work and school and then you can insure your kids have Christmas morning in their own home.

You and your husband need to get on the same page, make a decision that works for *your* family, communicate it and stick with it. I think it's crazy that you feel held hostage by extended family to spend holidays in a way that causes stress and isn't what you want as a family. If you stick with your decision, they'll get over it and it will become something they just get used to. As long as you carve out time for them during the year, the timing should't have to be dictated by them. Good luck!

Christmas at home and whoever wants to can come. We started that after DC 1 was born and there was a lot of pushback but it's worked well for 2 years now. Just keep reinforcing that as you get older (children born) traditions change.

As a kid we were always to broke for the expensive transcontinental flights required to visit family for major holidays. We saw family several times a year but always at other random times like mid-February. All my holiday memories are low-key, relaxed and with my immediate/nuclear family. It is something my parents definitely got right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. They can bring the gifts when they bring them.

Agreed. The second event doesn't have to be another Christmas, just the time when Grandma and Grandpa bring their presents.

OP here. They make it into a second christmas. And they don't visit, so it's whenever we go visit them, not when grandma and grandpa bring presents.

I'm not seeing why this is a bad thing. So your kids get Christmas gifts in July, or whenever. That's fine. Send their presents ahead of time, have a nice skype with them on Christmas morning and consider it done.

OP here. It's not that easy. They start nagging us right after we return from Christmas to travel to them (we're exhausted, mostly me though). And DH caves and then we go up.

I really just want one Christmas. Does that make me a bad person?

No, but it makes your husband one for ignoring the needs of his family and giving into demands that clearly upset his wife just so he doesn't have the backbone to establish some normal boundaries.

TLR - you have a husband problem. Start there.

When our kids were young, we held firm to the idea that we celebrated Christmas at home. Add to that the fact that we were pretty involved in our church and had to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas Day..... it was not an issue.
We invited grandparents/family to our house. Sometimes they came, sometimes they didn’t.
It is up to you to set the routine for what you want to do.
We thought it was important to begin family traditions when our kids were young. And, the way to do that was for us to be at home.

Stop stressing and draw the line. Your kids deserve to have Christmas at home. Let the parents and inlaws hold presents hostage, it shows how petty they are. You've invited them to your house and they declined, their loss.

Once married, you have major holidays at your house! Definitely after children, you have Christmas at your house. Marriage means that you are grown up people and you start your very own holiday rituals/memories. Family can visit or you can visit them BUT AFTER Christmas. Believe me, your children do not care if they on presents after Christmas.

We also have will-not-travel ILs who live 3 hrs away and my family across the country. Once we had kids we established that we go to the ILs for Thanksgiving, we stay home for Xmas and anyone is welcome to join us. Which ends up being my parents every other year (they alternate with my sister) and never my ILs. We either drive to see the ILs for New Year or later in Jan for FIL's birthday. The ILs so hold the kids presents until they see us, which is fine with me.

OP - I think you just need to get over your objections to the ILs "doing Christmas" in January. What harm is there? To me the annoying part would be hassling you about when you are coming. Make a plan and stick to it. E.g., we'll visit the first long weekend in January and then your DH needs to shut down the nagging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. They can bring the gifts when they bring them.

Agreed. The second event doesn't have to be another Christmas, just the time when Grandma and Grandpa bring their presents.

OP here. They make it into a second christmas. And they don't visit, so it's whenever we go visit them, not when grandma and grandpa bring presents.

I'm not seeing why this is a bad thing. So your kids get Christmas gifts in July, or whenever. That's fine. Send their presents ahead of time, have a nice skype with them on Christmas morning and consider it done.

OP here. It's not that easy. They start nagging us right after we return from Christmas to travel to them (we're exhausted, mostly me though). And DH caves and then we go up.

I really just want one Christmas. Does that make me a bad person?

I don't think you have to make it a big deal. You can send them their gifts from you whenever they want. They can give your kids gifts when they see them. I view that as getting late presents not a second Xmas...??