Anonymous wrote:I think the therapist told you to get on a forum bc maybe you were in denial and she needed you to hear the truth...

Yes. I was in complete denial. And posting on the forum was a huge eye opener for me. I'm now waiting to see if I'm approved for an apartment in my own name. And then getting out ASAP

He sounds like he has a porn addiction and unfortunately, many men who have this type of addiction rarely possess the true desire to change.

They may sign up for therapy, but only to pacify their wife.

Or they may go to support groups, but not be sincere enough to want to actually change.

There are some men who are willing to go through all the hard work of getting sober, but your husband isn't there yet,
he may never be.

Also problematic is his lying.
Which is an entirely separate issue.

You are still young.
Get out NOW while you still have your life ahead of you.

There are so many great things in life awaiting you.
Alienate yourself from anything that will be a barrier for you to get the opportunity to experience those great things.

I promise you the best is yet to come.
You just have to believe it yourself.

He's a piece of garbage. Deal with him as necessary regarding your son but don't spend another minute trying to understand or diagnose his so-called addiction. You are young and have your whole life ahead. Focus on living a productive, happy life! Be glad you broke up with him.

I think the therapist told you to get on a forum bc maybe you were in denial and she needed you to hear the truth...

Leave and never look back. Also, you should keep looking elsewhere for a real support group where people have actually experienced and gone through what you are. I find it a little odd your therapist didn't give you an actual support groups info. IMO there is nothing to be fixed, just leave.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I do not agree with your therapist that you should seek support on a forum. While it's great to get support from people who understand the situation and know you, we are strangers and we really cannot understand your situation even though you explain it as well as you possibly can. In fact, we might even make things worse for you because we are anonymous. If your therapist is telling you to find advice on a forum that may be a red flag. It sounds like your boyfriend could have some problems for which he needs help, but only a good therapist can diagnose those things. A good therapist can also help you work thru the feelings of hurt and betrayal so both of you can find healing. You may want to consider finding a therapist who has experience counseling couples and with sexual addiction. Try this database http://bit.ly/2bYaQqv" target="_new" rel="nofollow"> http://bit.ly/2bYaQqv if you decide to look for a new therapist. I really do believe in getting support from friends. It's just that social support should come from the right group of friends. Friends who can be objective about the situation. Friends who love you enough to tell you when you are right and when you are wrong. Friends who love you enough to rejoice with you during the good time and hang in there with you during the bad times. I pray you will find the right social support and the answers you need to work through this rough situation. Blessings!

OP, I'm not sure where you are, but Georgetown Law School runs a domestic violence clinic. Law students provide free representation in Court with the supervision of highly experienced attorneys. Call them to see if your case could qualify for representation or if they can refer you to some other attorney or legal organization that can provide free or low cost representation.

https://www.law.georgetown.edu/academics/academic-programs/clinical-programs/our-clinics/domestic-violence-clinic/

He's a textbook abuser and you'd better be ready for it. He's going to be begging, crying, promising to get better. And if that doesn't work he'll be slandering and assassinating your character. Custody is going to be difficult - this guy will play dirty.

Hopefully that's as bad as it'll get.

Yes, your first priority should be planning to get out, and as PPs have suggested, you should call a domestic violence line ASAP.

But, next, if you can at all swing it (with family and friends' support?) would be to talk to a lawyer and tell them everything you have told us here. I think there are some resources that are low-cost/free that can be arranged through domestic violence resources, perhaps others know?

He's a textbook abuser and you'd better be ready for it. He's going to be begging, crying, promising to get better. And if that doesn't work he'll be slandering and assassinating your character. Custody is going to be difficult - this guy will play dirty.

Hopefully that's as bad as it'll get.

Anonymous wrote:

Confusedchaos wrote:Thank you guys for the advice. I can't put into words how much I needed to read this. It really helped me make a decision that is right for my son and myself. I do have friends, and family that can help me through this... But it will be hell to leave him, I am leaving him asap but the only problem is, do I keep his secret? He says he will "kill himself" if I leave him. He also says that I can't tell anyone about his secret. He is more worried about the secret getting out instead of losing us. I am worried if I leave, he will get crazy and harass me . i just am a little scared to leave. But I am going to leave because with the fighting and the confusing me by manipulating me into thinking it is my fault is confusing and physically making me sick. I do have a best friend who is willing to help me in any way and that includes help me get an apartment. Only problem is, when I do try to leave, he hides my keys, and blocks the doorway and says I can't take our son. and then if I say "i will tell everyone about your secret" he says all I do is threaten him and that I am not allowed to go anywhere because I am not thinking clearly.

In that case you need to file for a protection order and get out NOW.

This. I was in your shoes, OP (minus having a kid). I did everything I could to fix things and nothing worked, and I am SO pissed at myself for wasting my 20s on a creep. You are in the prime of your life.

Addicts rarely change. It's only when they lose everything, hit rock bottom, and the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. Even then it's a crapshoot- I've seen addicts with years of sobriety, great support systems, and who were determined to change eventually relapse. Even if he goes to therapy he likely won't change, or will relapse years down the road. It's just not worth it.

Also, get the hell away from anyone who threatens to kill themselves. If they will kill themselves, they will kill other people, too. He could easily get charged up one day, kill you, your son, and himself.