Anonymous
09/05/2017 10:10
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Hi all, OP here.
Thank you all sincerely for the advice (both for and against divorce, and for and against me). The thought of dating is scary... meeting new people is fun but I feel like at some point in a relationship you start to learn about the other person's negative attributes, and then it's time to make that break-or-stay decision again. I highly doubt I would find husband material again (PP who said "who would want someone like OP?" hit the nail on the head. I don't know who would if I'm being honest). Which makes me think I should stay.
I do believe my husband loves me, in his own way. I love him very much, and I think he would honestly have a harder time finding a new woman... I'm not just saying that because it's me and I consider myself a catch or anything, but he is even more particular, to a neurotic level than I am, very rigid in his thinking and actions, pretty cheap, emotionally cold, logical to a fault... I really worry how he would do and I don't want to hurt him.
Reading about PP's who have great sex lives made my heart ache. I remember what it felt like to have amazing passionate sex. To be truly wanted in that passionate way. I agree with PP who said maybe it's because we don't feel connected any more. I have been higher drive with exes. I don't want another friend, but I also don't want to be alone.
I think you all have given me a lot to think about in what I want out of a marriage versus my current marriage, and what could be out there. Trust me, I surprise him with little things, we snuggle, I make it a point to meet him at the door, give him a big hug (to which he politely taps me on the back in return), compliment how he looks, etc. Maybe someday it will get better. Or maybe someday he'll realize there is more out there and leave me. Who knows.
Why did you marry him? Not affectionate, cheap....I'm sorry.
Anonymous
09/02/2017 12:33
Subject: Re:We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
I think sometimes, it our world, where we are surrounded by sexual propaganda in the media, we tend to feel that we "should" be doing it more. That there is something wrong with our marriage if we are not doing it 2 or three times a week. The fact is, every marriage is different. Every person is different, but it sounds as though you have found someone who you are very compatible with. Many people dream of a marriage filled with respect, fun, time with someone they could consider their best friend as you do. With that said, I can see how the lack of intimacy could leave you feeling like you are missing out on something. You said you worked with the love languages, out of curiosity, what were your love languages? I have really read into this concept and found it very insightful and helpful to my relationships, especially with my husband. Have you tired to speak his love language for a specific period of time, liek a month or so? Maybe a daily display of his language to him, without telling him, just see if he notices, see how he reacts.
Anonymous
09/02/2017 08:27
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Ok, there are a LOT of positives here: "Right now we're in what I would call a warm, semi-sexual (once every 2-3 weeks, that's on both of us) roommate situation. We get along so well. He's my best friend. We laugh, have hobbies, on the same page about financials, careers, family life. We travel well, we treat each other with respect and see each other as equals."
But you also describe him later as cold and cheap. What gives?
Personally, as someone who has been her her DH for 16 years, the romantic, affectionate gestures can wax and wane. I think you should examine any underlying resentment or lack of respect you have for him and try to change that.
Next start initiating thoughtful, romantic gestures towards him with no expectation of immediate reciprocation. In my experience this leads to a snowball effect of sweet gestures.
But you also describe him later as cold and cheap. What gives?
Personally, as someone who has been her her DH for 16 years, the romantic, affectionate gestures can wax and wane. I think you should examine any underlying resentment or lack of respect you have for him and try to change that.
Next start initiating thoughtful, romantic gestures towards him with no expectation of immediate reciprocation. In my experience this leads to a snowball effect of sweet gestures.
Anonymous
09/02/2017 08:01
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?
This. You should be grateful. Msot other men would have left you a long time ago. If you divorce, you will end up a cat lady.
OP here - I hope not, I'm allergic! Another negative for me
Anonymous
09/02/2017 07:30
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?
This. You should be grateful. Msot other men would have left you a long time ago. If you divorce, you will end up a cat lady.
Anonymous
09/02/2017 07:26
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:I have about had it waiting for the affection and intimacy to return. And there has been nothing done for that to cease save their own issues and selfishness. Vacations together, that should have time and energy for some affection and romance, are over since it is almost torturous being so close and nothing. The last vacation was their agenda and needs.
I find it odd that women talk about separating affection and intimacy from sex yet the responses aren't often reflective of that when it involves men. Women often say that if they had the affection and intimacy the sex would be more available. I can understand that and I also know that for many men they either aren't comfortable with affection and intimacy outside of sex or they have little need for it. But there are men, like myself, that feel a strong need for that. There is an emotional connection that exists with it. Also an affirmation that they are appreciated. So here ya have a high drive man with a need to please her first and yet....
Anonymous
09/02/2017 07:17
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hmm. You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they are "low drive" just aren't having great sex.
Perhaps if their lovers were more generous in bed and they were having mind blowing orgasms on a regular basis, they would be more interested in sex.
Something to think about men. Most women can't get off on vanilla missionary alone.
You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they aren't having great sex, are actually just "low drive".
Once the "new relationship energy" wears off, they predictably lose all interest in the very same guy who once totally lit her fire.
Something to think about. Most men can't keep any woman interested beyond her fleeting NRE stage.
Said by a man with a "low drive" wife, am I right?
You just don't want to think it could be your own lack of skills contributing to this situation.
DP
And you just want to blame the man?
Anonymous
09/02/2017 01:18
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
I think you are in a very good marriage. I would not leave. I think your expectations are too high. Lovey dovey stuff fades. Sex every few weeks is pretty good for many marriages!
Anonymous
09/01/2017 16:46
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Hi all, OP here.
Thank you all sincerely for the advice (both for and against divorce, and for and against me). The thought of dating is scary... meeting new people is fun but I feel like at some point in a relationship you start to learn about the other person's negative attributes, and then it's time to make that break-or-stay decision again. I highly doubt I would find husband material again (PP who said "who would want someone like OP?" hit the nail on the head. I don't know who would if I'm being honest). Which makes me think I should stay.
I do believe my husband loves me, in his own way. I love him very much, and I think he would honestly have a harder time finding a new woman... I'm not just saying that because it's me and I consider myself a catch or anything, but he is even more particular, to a neurotic level than I am, very rigid in his thinking and actions, pretty cheap, emotionally cold, logical to a fault... I really worry how he would do and I don't want to hurt him.
Reading about PP's who have great sex lives made my heart ache. I remember what it felt like to have amazing passionate sex. To be truly wanted in that passionate way. I agree with PP who said maybe it's because we don't feel connected any more. I have been higher drive with exes. I don't want another friend, but I also don't want to be alone.
I think you all have given me a lot to think about in what I want out of a marriage versus my current marriage, and what could be out there. Trust me, I surprise him with little things, we snuggle, I make it a point to meet him at the door, give him a big hug (to which he politely taps me on the back in return), compliment how he looks, etc. Maybe someday it will get better. Or maybe someday he'll realize there is more out there and leave me. Who knows.
Thank you all sincerely for the advice (both for and against divorce, and for and against me). The thought of dating is scary... meeting new people is fun but I feel like at some point in a relationship you start to learn about the other person's negative attributes, and then it's time to make that break-or-stay decision again. I highly doubt I would find husband material again (PP who said "who would want someone like OP?" hit the nail on the head. I don't know who would if I'm being honest). Which makes me think I should stay.
I do believe my husband loves me, in his own way. I love him very much, and I think he would honestly have a harder time finding a new woman... I'm not just saying that because it's me and I consider myself a catch or anything, but he is even more particular, to a neurotic level than I am, very rigid in his thinking and actions, pretty cheap, emotionally cold, logical to a fault... I really worry how he would do and I don't want to hurt him.
Reading about PP's who have great sex lives made my heart ache. I remember what it felt like to have amazing passionate sex. To be truly wanted in that passionate way. I agree with PP who said maybe it's because we don't feel connected any more. I have been higher drive with exes. I don't want another friend, but I also don't want to be alone.
I think you all have given me a lot to think about in what I want out of a marriage versus my current marriage, and what could be out there. Trust me, I surprise him with little things, we snuggle, I make it a point to meet him at the door, give him a big hug (to which he politely taps me on the back in return), compliment how he looks, etc. Maybe someday it will get better. Or maybe someday he'll realize there is more out there and leave me. Who knows.
Anonymous
09/01/2017 16:11
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
In my experience, when one partner complains that the other "isn't affectionate" or isn't "emotionally close," the truth is that both parties are contributing to this and that the complaining partner actually has something invested in maintaining the status quo--that they want this state of affairs, even though they say they don't. They place all the blame on their partner, rather than looking in the mirror and asking how they have contributed.
FOR EXAMPLE...why sleep in a separate bed? Why not go cuddle with hubby? What would he do, say no?
Are there actually issues between you that are leading to lack of emotional closeness--differences or unhappinesses that you do not discuss?
What is your ideal for what your relationship would be like? Why don't you just, you know, make it happen? If you want him to sit on the couch and cuddle you in front of the TV, why not ask for that? Or could it be that you really would rather be alone?
FOR EXAMPLE...why sleep in a separate bed? Why not go cuddle with hubby? What would he do, say no?
Are there actually issues between you that are leading to lack of emotional closeness--differences or unhappinesses that you do not discuss?
What is your ideal for what your relationship would be like? Why don't you just, you know, make it happen? If you want him to sit on the couch and cuddle you in front of the TV, why not ask for that? Or could it be that you really would rather be alone?
Anonymous
09/01/2017 14:08
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
My DH is somewhat like this. I used to get so annoyed that he never wanted to kiss unless we were about to have sex, and he's not really a touchy feely person. Honestly, though, the less I cared, the better things got (within reason, the unprompted kissing will never happen, though he'll occasionally kiss me good-bye if one of us is traveling without the other).
The more anxious you get about this lack of affection, the less likely he is to improve. What does help is being relaxed, having fun together, and not expecting too much.
And also... even when I got frustrated with my DH, I didn't actually worry that he didn't love me. You haven't mentioned love here--is this something you are concerned about. Is it purely the physical intimacy, or are you concerned that you lack an emotional connection as well?
Finally--you don't have kids, so you have more time (presumably) to break out of the routine, have romantic dates, travel. Focus on having an emotional connection in ways that he is able to connect with you, instead of on what he isn't capable of. If he pressured you for sex, would you be willing? I'll bet not. So don't pressure him for hugs, but seek other ways of connecting with him.
The more anxious you get about this lack of affection, the less likely he is to improve. What does help is being relaxed, having fun together, and not expecting too much.
And also... even when I got frustrated with my DH, I didn't actually worry that he didn't love me. You haven't mentioned love here--is this something you are concerned about. Is it purely the physical intimacy, or are you concerned that you lack an emotional connection as well?
Finally--you don't have kids, so you have more time (presumably) to break out of the routine, have romantic dates, travel. Focus on having an emotional connection in ways that he is able to connect with you, instead of on what he isn't capable of. If he pressured you for sex, would you be willing? I'll bet not. So don't pressure him for hugs, but seek other ways of connecting with him.
Anonymous
09/01/2017 14:07
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Get an affectionate pet.
^^^This.
It sounds like you have a good marriage but need more physical touch. Try holding hands while you watch TV.
Anonymous
09/01/2017 14:03
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From your own words, you are very particular, introverted, low drive and prefer to sleep alone AND you don't enjoy dating. How on earth are you even contemplating tossing your husband aside?
This.
Exactly!
I was married to a woman just like OP.
That's why we aren't married.
Why now would I date THAT ?
How did you end up married to her? Did you think all women were like that or did she have other redeeming qualities?
Anonymous
09/01/2017 14:00
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
My skills are exactly the same as always and my normal repertoire of 101 positions were more than sufficient for her to appear to have a normal sex drive while dating and early marriage. And my current "repertoire of 101 positions" would be more than sufficient to keep most new women interested... for about 2 years or so, until the NRE wears off.
So to answer your question, No, it is not my own lack of skill.
I suppose if you define "skill" as being the new mysterious guy with 101 positions you have not already tried, well then I must concede maybe my "skills" have decreased based on that definition.
So to answer your question, No, it is not my own lack of skill.
I suppose if you define "skill" as being the new mysterious guy with 101 positions you have not already tried, well then I must concede maybe my "skills" have decreased based on that definition.
Anonymous
09/01/2017 13:20
Subject: We have a great logistical and financial marriage, but no affection. Worth it or not?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hmm. You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they are "low drive" just aren't having great sex.
Perhaps if their lovers were more generous in bed and they were having mind blowing orgasms on a regular basis, they would be more interested in sex.
Something to think about men. Most women can't get off on vanilla missionary alone.
You know, I honestly suspect a lot of women who think they aren't having great sex, are actually just "low drive".
Once the "new relationship energy" wears off, they predictably lose all interest in the very same guy who once totally lit her fire.
Something to think about. Most men can't keep any woman interested beyond her fleeting NRE stage.
Said by a man with a "low drive" wife, am I right?
You just don't want to think it could be your own lack of skills contributing to this situation.