Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but from these descriptions you both sound insufferable. And obsessed with one-upping each other.

One upping? Not at all. Hurt that there is zero interest in anything having to do with me, when I have gone to great lengths to give her emotional support and time over the years? Absolutely.

Anonymous wrote:How do they live in a rent-controlled studio if they make $200,000 a year?

Rent control in SF isn't tied to income. When you rent an apartment, after your lease ends, you go to month-to-month automatically, and your landlord is only allowed to increase your rent by a percentage set by the city's rent board. It's set to something like 60% of the inflation rate. You can end up with "golden handcuff's" after a few years, especially when rents are going up like crazy. If I had stayed in my $750/month studio from 20 years ago, I'd probably still be paying less than $1000. Those units go for close to $3k now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.

How am I a complete, utter bitch by telling the truth when someone asks me an insulting question?

DP, curious why you found a question about whether you're a SAHM offensive. Is there something wrong with being a SAHM?

Because it came as part of a question asking whether i'm jealous of a certain income and academic achievement. It implicitly assumes that a SAHM would be some person who sits there and is jealous of others who are out there accomplishing things. I found the question insulting precisely because I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM.

The reason I have these expectations of my sister is because in my family, it is a given that we go to one another's graduations, birthday parties, etc. I recognize that this isn't the case for everyone, but it is the case for my family. As a result, her decision to not attend my family's events (while making it clear she expects me to attend her events) is anomalous.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.

1. You don't know whether she has a lot of disposable cash. Stop counting other people's money and deciding what they can afford.

2. $200K in San Francisco is not a lot of money.

3. You sound like a PITA.

I'm sorry but from these descriptions you both sound insufferable. And obsessed with one-upping each other.

OP, it sounds as if you expect reciprocity when you do something for someone else. You have a generous nature, you do a lot for people, but you expect a lot in return. You will be continually disappointed for the rest of your life if you don't make a conscious decision that you are giving with a whole heart, and not because you expect something in return.

Anonymous wrote:Um, no. If you don't want to go to her graduation, don't go. In your shoes, I'd probably leave the baby home with your husband and just go out alone for the weekend. I wouldn't expect her to attend her BIL's grad school graduation, or a first birthday party. Stop bean counting.

+1

First birthday parties and grad school graduations are not major events which necessitate cross-country travel.

OP, if you don't want to go to her graduation, then don't go. If you think it is important and want to go, then go.

You don't get to set the standard for what requires travel.

Anonymous wrote:Trying to figure out if my husband and I are right in being ticked off at my sister. She's a PhD student out in CA (though she's married to someone who makes very good money in the private sector). She is almost certainly not going to my daughter's first birthday party this fall, has met her 2 times, and literally never asks me about her. She is also almost certainly not going to my husband's grad school graduation, even though we went to her MA graduation overseas and are schlepping our daughter out to her PhD graduation next year.

I get that she's busy finishing her dissertation, but we both work full-time and have still made time for her (and will continue to do so).

Am I right to be perturbed?

Why are you going to her PhD graduation with your daughter? I would think if it was that much trouble, I wouldn't. That said, I wouldn't expect a sister to fly across the country for a one year old' birthday- only if they were local would I even think it was a possibility. If you want to go and celebrate her PhD, go by yourself, do not drag a two year old there. I would not expect my DH's sisters and brothers to come to my graduation either.

In the end, it is up to each individual to decide what events are worth the travel and which events are not. As a pp said, it is not tit for tat.

So she lives in a more expensive location, makes a lot less than you, but you're upset she doesn't have the extra $$ to fly cross-country multiple times a year? You sound self centered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.

How am I a complete, utter bitch by telling the truth when someone asks me an insulting question?

DP, curious why you found a question about whether you're a SAHM offensive. Is there something wrong with being a SAHM?

boundaries. Don't talk to her if she isn't giving you what you want in your relationship. Sounds like you just have very different lives. It's a shame but it happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.

How am I a complete, utter bitch by telling the truth when someone asks me an insulting question?

My sister and I have a very loving relationship and are very close. However when she had her first, I probably only visited once that whole year, neither of us attended each others grad school graduations, it wouldn't have even occurred to me to attend her husbands, and there honestly wasn't a lot to discuss about her kids when they were so little because I didn't have any of my own to debate the nuances of sleep strategies or food issues. Once they turned more into little people with funny stories and things it was much easier to talk about them.

My point is you seem to be putting specific criteria in place on what "sisters" should do....that may be what you want but there isn't a right or wrong answer and you guys can be close and loving without doing any of the things you mentioned.

Anonymous wrote:PP again - I understand that the overarching theme here is that your sister cares less about your life than you care about hers. You'll have to accept it, OP, and one way to do so is to extend yourself much less for her in the future - it will make you less resentful and expectant of a return. If she complains, you can just tell her the truth.

This makes sense to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her $200k HHI and the fact that she's getting her PhD. Are you a SAHM?

LOL -- ok, first of all, your post insults SAHMs. second of all, i'm not a SAHM. my husband and i have a HHI of $350,000. we just got back from a 2.5 week European vacation.

i am not jealous of her PhD in the humanities.

Obviously, your sister, on some level, realizes you are a complete, utter bitch and is getting distance from you. Because your disdain is crazy obvious.

We can close the thread now, lol.