Anonymous wrote:I've had Crohn's Disease since I was 19. Got together with my husband at 21, after college (though we knew each other in high school).

I found out many years into our marriage that my mother in law had a serious talk with my husband about whether he was sure he wanted to marry someone with a serious chronic illness like mine. His tearful response was that he didn't have a choice--he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me.

She'll be fine. If anything, having a chronic illness (should) mean that her future spouse will be a kind and caring soul....

It doesn't really work that way and in fact, the divorce rate among e.g. people with MS is far higher than that of the general population.

But ok, you keep telling yourself that.

I've had Crohn's Disease since I was 19. Got together with my husband at 21, after college (though we knew each other in high school).

I found out many years into our marriage that my mother in law had a serious talk with my husband about whether he was sure he wanted to marry someone with a serious chronic illness like mine. His tearful response was that he didn't have a choice--he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me.

She'll be fine. If anything, having a chronic illness (should) mean that her future spouse will be a kind and caring soul....

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no guarantees in life. You might marry someone who seems healthy but is diagnosed a week later with a chronic illness. If you feel committed enough to marry them without knowing, why would the diagnosis change your commitment?

Because as a PP said, there are a lot of things that I would not take on from Day 1 but which I would not leave a marriage for. Making a decision about whether or not to marry a person is different from making a decision about whether to stay with someone you already took vows with. The choice and decision making process are altogether different.

Marriage to someone with a chronic illness, particularly if that person is disabled, is extremely challenging. It is not like a Lifetime movie in which love always wins. It just isn't.

Who says life is like a Lifetime movie and that love always wins? It is interesting to me that you automatically think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that marriage is a long-term commitment that will involve many unknowns. You might marry someone with a chronic illness for which they discover a cure. You might marry someone who seems healthy but contracts ALS in 10 years. What you seem to be saying is that there is some sort of decision tree where, the closer you get to the wedding, the more the illness factors in as to whether to marry or not. You want to eliminate potential risks? That's not how life works, either. Marriage isn't for sissies. If you think that you marry someone and nothing will change in your life circumstances to make that marriage difficult at least some of the time, you are at best naive.

No one is disputing that. No one is suggesting that in marrying, we don't take on risk. We do, for sure.

Marriage is a long-term commitment for sure and therefore altogether different from dating. The closer you get to a wedding, the more *everything* factors in: A person's career goals, financial habits, health, nature and personality. The list goes on and includes, yes, health issues.

Once you are married, and chosen to entwine your life with that person's life, the analysis is altogether different.

Most people don't develop chronic illness. Choosing a person who has such an illness at the outset is not the same thing as choosing to stay by that person's side post-vows.

I would and I did and I'd do it again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no guarantees in life. You might marry someone who seems healthy but is diagnosed a week later with a chronic illness. If you feel committed enough to marry them without knowing, why would the diagnosis change your commitment?

Because as a PP said, there are a lot of things that I would not take on from Day 1 but which I would not leave a marriage for. Making a decision about whether or not to marry a person is different from making a decision about whether to stay with someone you already took vows with. The choice and decision making process are altogether different.

Marriage to someone with a chronic illness, particularly if that person is disabled, is extremely challenging. It is not like a Lifetime movie in which love always wins. It just isn't.

Who says life is like a Lifetime movie and that love always wins? It is interesting to me that you automatically think that is what I am saying. What I am saying is that marriage is a long-term commitment that will involve many unknowns. You might marry someone with a chronic illness for which they discover a cure. You might marry someone who seems healthy but contracts ALS in 10 years. What you seem to be saying is that there is some sort of decision tree where, the closer you get to the wedding, the more the illness factors in as to whether to marry or not. You want to eliminate potential risks? That's not how life works, either. Marriage isn't for sissies. If you think that you marry someone and nothing will change in your life circumstances to make that marriage difficult at least some of the time, you are at best naive.

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Anonymous wrote:Frankly, there's some truly disgusting responses in this thread. Between the person saying it is the sick spouses responsibility to limit the stress of their illness on the relationship and the person critical of their wife with stage 4 cancer, those responses say enough about the type of people responding to this thread.

My wife has a chronic illness and I knew early on in the relationship about it and I still knew that she was the one who I would marry. I loved everything about her. As an able bodied person, yes it took some learning to understand her illness and what she could and could not do. But I made sure to learn because I loved her and I would do anything for her. If you truly love someone, you do not let an illness stop that. You stand with your spouse and fight alongside of them because you are in this together. Sometimes that means taking on extra responsibilities. But you do that because of the love and bond you share in the relationship.

The PP whose wife had stage IV cancer was not at all critical of her. He spoke only tenderly and said that their love has deepened. He merely acknowledged that it's been very hard.

Stage IV poster here. Thanks 8:43 for sticking up for me. Not sure how the other person saw me as being critical of my sick wife or not loving her because of her illness. To use his/her language, that is "truly disgusting". Sometimes taking responsibilities? Give me a break. I'm handling 100% of responsibilities 100% of the time and I have been for two years. That includes the patient, multiple school-age kids, all the household responsibilities . . . and, oh yeah, my job. Excuse me for verbalizing how challenging that is and also for lamenting how I long for better times.

My fiancee has MS. She told me after we had been dating for a few months. Her medication keeps it in check, she's very pro-active about her health. Fortunately, was diagnosed in her early 20s (much better health outcomes when you start treating it early).

Thus, far it doesn't hamper our lifestyle that much. She has less energy that I and needs more sleep. I try to encourage her to get plenty of rest. I am worried about her when we decide to have kids. She will need to go off her meds for about a year (3 months before conceiving, then 9 months of pregnancy). We are, most likely, only able to have one kid. Not planning for two.

Anonymous wrote:There are no guarantees in life. You might marry someone who seems healthy but is diagnosed a week later with a chronic illness. If you feel committed enough to marry them without knowing, why would the diagnosis change your commitment?

Because as a PP said, there are a lot of things that I would not take on from Day 1 but which I would not leave a marriage for. Making a decision about whether or not to marry a person is different from making a decision about whether to stay with someone you already took vows with. The choice and decision making process are altogether different.

Marriage to someone with a chronic illness, particularly if that person is disabled, is extremely challenging. It is not like a Lifetime movie in which love always wins. It just isn't.

There are no guarantees in life. You might marry someone who seems healthy but is diagnosed a week later with a chronic illness. If you feel committed enough to marry them without knowing, why would the diagnosis change your commitment?

Anonymous wrote:I think for me it would depend on their level of independence

I would not be interested in someone looking for a second mommy or caregiver.

Someone who fully managed their illness and was living a full life and didn't have a poor m victim mentality sure.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I would. DH was (and is) fully able-bodied and free of chronic illness, but that could change at any time with no notice (as could happen to any of us). I went into marriage accepting it as a possibility and knowing I would still want to be with him, so why would I let the reality of it, as opposed to the possibility, stand in the way?

There's a lot of things I wouldn't leave a marriage for (such as an unemployed spouse) that, if present at the beginning, would prevent me from marrying someone. To be fair, as soon as I found out during the dating process I probably wouldn't move forward with that person.

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Anonymous wrote:Not fibromyalgia.

Why not? I don't have it, but my friend does. Her DH actually left his first wife for her!

Can't handle the drama

And it surprises me not even a little that your friend with fibromyalgia destroyed a marriage.

It's not a real disease, neither is chronic Lyme disease.

I supposedly have it. I have a lot of chronic pain. Every doctor calls it something different. It is the blow off diagnosis to we don't know what is wrong with you and since we can't see pain you don't have it so here is a diagnosis and go away. (in the meanwhile we suffer a lot).

+1. I don't believe it's a real illness either. BUT, I do believe patients are in pain. I think lazy doctors give up and slap a Fibromyalgia diagnosis on them just to shut them up. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia years ago. I don't fit the criteria at all - I am not depressed. I am not low energy. I am an active, healthy marathon runner and martial arts instructor who was experiencing chronic and worsening pain. Instead of accepting the diagnosis, I went to Mayo and saw the best rheumatologist I could find. I have fairly severe oesteoporosis and oesteoarthritis. A bone scan revealed low bone density. I also had several compression fractures in my spine. There was a reason for my pain. And treatment options. My doctor in DC was just not smart enough to look in the right places. My doctor at Mayo in Florida made the diagnosis in days and started me on medication for both the pain and the bone loss. I was a different person once the pain was controlled.

Would I marry someone with a chronic illness? It would depend on the illness. Someone like me with controlled arthritis? Sure. I have to get careful to avoid fractures. I have to stay on medication and get bone scans, blood work, and X-rays every so often. I have bad days occasionally. But other than that, I am active and healthy. None of us know what the future holds. Your healthy spouse could be diagnosed with a life-changing condition tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, there's some truly disgusting responses in this thread. Between the person saying it is the sick spouses responsibility to limit the stress of their illness on the relationship and the person critical of their wife with stage 4 cancer, those responses say enough about the type of people responding to this thread.

My wife has a chronic illness and I knew early on in the relationship about it and I still knew that she was the one who I would marry. I loved everything about her. As an able bodied person, yes it took some learning to understand her illness and what she could and could not do. But I made sure to learn because I loved her and I would do anything for her. If you truly love someone, you do not let an illness stop that. You stand with your spouse and fight alongside of them because you are in this together. Sometimes that means taking on extra responsibilities. But you do that because of the love and bond you share in the relationship.

The PP whose wife had stage IV cancer was not at all critical of her. He spoke only tenderly and said that their love has deepened. He merely acknowledged that it's been very hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not fibromyalgia.

Why not? I don't have it, but my friend does. Her DH actually left his first wife for her!

Can't handle the drama

And it surprises me not even a little that your friend with fibromyalgia destroyed a marriage.

It's not a real disease, neither is chronic Lyme disease.

I supposedly have it. I have a lot of chronic pain. Every doctor calls it something different. It is the blow off diagnosis to we don't know what is wrong with you and since we can't see pain you don't have it so here is a diagnosis and go away. (in the meanwhile we suffer a lot).

My husband did, and we've been married for 7 years. I have Stage 4 COPD.