Anonymous wrote:Sadly, PP's example is more common that you'd think. My xh acted like the most devoted dad in the world, until he left the family. The kids were in private (MS and HS). My ex hid his assets and income, and after the divorce trial ended up only having to pay the legal minimum in child support. No school or extracurricular expenses, including college. He's living pretty large now, and I have sole custody of the kids. Through FA I've been able to keep them in their schools, but anything extra is tough.

Now that the college process is in full swing, they get that we are on our own financially. Ex isn't even curious about what schools they are interested in. My kids' relationship with their dad has deteriorated, especially since their visits with him (no overnights) of ice cream and movies doesn't quite swing it for them anymore. It's really really sad.

Child support in most states is inclusive in less extra's are ordered. You have no right to demand or expect Dad to pay anything above child support in less it is ordered. Its ok to ask, but he has the right to say no. Your child support is his portion of the expenses in your home. That includes school and extracurricular expenses. College is not even a discussion. Most child support stops at 18 and the kids and you need to work that out separately with Dad. To expect him to pay college and child support is absurd. Married parents are not expected to pay for college so why should divorced. If you don't allow overnight or more time, then what else can he do with the kids beyond ice cream/movies and an activity. Not much you can do in a few hours and that's not being a parent.

My husband's ex treated him like dirt and then, like you demanded all kinds of extra money she thought he/we had which we didn't. She stopped the relationships and refused visits (going to court was a joke) so why should he have been forced to pay for college for "kids" who were alienated from him. More importantly, he was decent and continued to pay child support for all when it should have terminated for each kid at 18, so Mom should have used that money he continued to pay for the kids and not herself. So, better question is since Mom didn't pay and kids were at college, what was mom using the money for (her boyfriend paid the rent and other major expenses according to his ex-wife who was not getting any support).

Anonymous wrote:Why does he get to say it's a fantasy? Clearly there are thousands of kids in private schools whose parents thought it was a better choice ...

Many more thousands thought that their public schools were a better choice, or thought that money was better spent on retirement, housing or college costs. These people are not rich.

If she wants it and wants to make the financial sacrifice, let her get a better job and take care of the cost, not saddle him with it.

Why does he get to say it's a fantasy? Clearly there are thousands of kids in private schools whose parents thought it was a better choice ...

It's really corrosive that you're thinking about this in terms of divorce. You say you're pretty OK together and you have a small kid who isn't even in school yet. Think about how you and your wife can communicate better now. Think about how you can put positive energy into your relationship and come to mutually agreeable solutions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely not pay for private under the circumstances that OP describes. Spouse seems very status-conscious and self-centered (dismissing 7-8 years of extra work? WTF?). Seems like a recipe for disaster.

But it seems like OP is talking about retiring early, rather than at the normal age. Having to work until 67 because you paid for private school isn't the same as working until 74.

Why should the OP work extra years for private school to fulfill her fantasy?

How about letting her pay for it while he retires a few years early and hangs out with the grandkids? I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely not pay for private under the circumstances that OP describes. Spouse seems very status-conscious and self-centered (dismissing 7-8 years of extra work? WTF?). Seems like a recipe for disaster.

Yes, they have mentioned nothing about the quality of the public schools being bad. Sounds like she just has a fantasy that she's not willing to pay for, but she'll let him pay for it.