Anonymous
06/17/2019 14:27
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
OP In the nicest possible way it seems like both you and your mom are a bit crazy but in different ways. You both seem a bit extreme. Maybe with therapy you can have a relationship with your mom that includes proper boundaries.
Anonymous
06/17/2019 13:18
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
OP, have you ever been screened for ADHD? All the descriptions you give of yourself and your upbringing sound awfully familiar, as someone who's had reason to read a lot about ADHD personally.
It sounds like you were a bright child with ADHD in a family that didn't recognize that as an issue or ever get it diagnosed and figure out how to alter their parenting and expectations of you appropriately. That stab in the chest over your mother's comment? Feeling disproportionate pain over negative statements is a classic ADHD issue too--and not having the insight as an adult to recognize this as your mother's own human frailty and forgive her for it.
There are plenty of screenings for ADHD online to try--and, regardless, get to a therapist.
It sounds like you were a bright child with ADHD in a family that didn't recognize that as an issue or ever get it diagnosed and figure out how to alter their parenting and expectations of you appropriately. That stab in the chest over your mother's comment? Feeling disproportionate pain over negative statements is a classic ADHD issue too--and not having the insight as an adult to recognize this as your mother's own human frailty and forgive her for it.
There are plenty of screenings for ADHD online to try--and, regardless, get to a therapist.
Anonymous
06/17/2019 13:03
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
OP's mom does not read as a toxic mom. She had her limitations, sure, but OP wasn't exactly an angel either. The only way to truly forge ahead toward a better relationship is to acknowledge one's own part in a difficult relationship. I think OP is introspecting enough to get there.
I believe there are personalities that just do not mesh, even when related by blood. My brother and my mom had always been like oil and water, totally at odds with each other. They had very different outlooks on life and just could not get along. My brother was also a very challenging child, and got a lot of spanking as a result. As an adult, he loved our mom, but could get triggered easily by her nagging and controlling behavior. I'm a lot more laid back and got along better with her, but it was never easy. I now have a very challenging 5 year old and I'm constantly worried that I'd do something that damages him or push him away. I guess I get it from both perspectives. As a parent we could have the best intentions but still get it wrong. I wish for more understanding and compassion for OP.
I believe there are personalities that just do not mesh, even when related by blood. My brother and my mom had always been like oil and water, totally at odds with each other. They had very different outlooks on life and just could not get along. My brother was also a very challenging child, and got a lot of spanking as a result. As an adult, he loved our mom, but could get triggered easily by her nagging and controlling behavior. I'm a lot more laid back and got along better with her, but it was never easy. I now have a very challenging 5 year old and I'm constantly worried that I'd do something that damages him or push him away. I guess I get it from both perspectives. As a parent we could have the best intentions but still get it wrong. I wish for more understanding and compassion for OP.
Anonymous
06/17/2019 06:28
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
FWIW, from reading these posts and recognizing a lot of myself, my mother and family dynamics, I want to suggest you admit yourself that you didn't have a great childhood nor do you even superficially have a great relationship with your mother now. Superficially great is an oxymoron. So you were a rude teen? A bull in the china shop 5 year old? If you truly behaved as you said you're a child any parent should be proud to have.
She was the adult and you were the kid. The adult is responsible for forging relationships with their children and not the other way around. A mother's personality doesn't mesh with her child? Well she has to work extra hard to let the child know she loves them. It is inherent in her role as a mother.
Sure their are hungry children in Africa, and that doesn't invalidate your experience with a hurtful mother. You are right to protect yourself from her.
Are you serious? How does a parent do that? Having 3 kids & a household?
OP admits she was a complicated child.
Anonymous
06/07/2019 21:25
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
Anonymous wrote:I can empathize. I do best when I have really clear boundaries with my mother. She wants more, despite not being capable of providing the emotional support I needed as a kid/adult. I feel badly about not meeting her needs since I am now a parent myself, and I know she did the best she could despite not having the emotional capacity to parent me like I needed. I try to keep boundaries clear and be as warm and loving as I can without ever leaving my safe/secure/not-close-to-her-zone, if that makes sense. But I really don't give my mother all that she asks for...so I empathize with your situation. Also, all of the PPs who are judging you so harshly for your teen behavior -- who was the child and who was the parent? OP needed to grow up and did. Her mom wasn't able to parent her without judgment (labeling her "difficult" etc). Some of that baggage persists to this day. That's unfortunate but maybe water under the bridge. OP, I went to therapy with my mom when I was in my 40s. It was a mistake because my mom is not capable of emotionally processing what she would need to in order to make any changes (forgot stuff we'd worked through from one session to the next) but I am glad I gave it a shot. You might want to as well.
New poster. I just saw a family therapist with my own mother and it was so obvious that the family therapist was listening to me more than my mother. And she gets mad that I ended up revealing our family history of violence and abuse to her therapist. Now she wants me to see another therapist with her but with strict instructions to not talk anything family-related. I feel sad often when I hear of my friends and their normal parents, because I just wont achieve what they have with my mom. Regardless of the number of therapy sessions.
Anonymous
06/07/2019 19:40
Subject: Re:Difficult parent relationships
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're overly dramatic. You seem immature.
+1 You were jealous of your mom's relationships with people she was helping on some kind of job or volunteer position? Wow.
NP - You would understand this if you had a mother who was constantly exasperated by you, wishes you weren’t around, and treated you like a burden, too. Ask me how I know. It’s not fun to grow up without love and to watch your parent have enough energy to give it to other people instead of you.
Anonymous
06/07/2019 12:20
Subject: Difficult parent relationships
OP - I don't think you answered the question about whether you have children yourself now? Do you? And how would you rate your relationship with them? What are you doing differently to avoid having the kind of troubled relationship you had with your mother?
Also, how is your relationship with your father? I didn't see much mention of that.
Also, how is your relationship with your father? I didn't see much mention of that.