Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he wanted kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

I know, right? This is like straight out of a 1950s manual on the Wifely Arts: "Don't bother your husband when he returns home from the office! He has had a hard day. Be sure to have dinner ready, make-up applied, and the children washed and silent. A pleasant home environment is key to keeping your man from straying."

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Make the push right there, on taking his meds, and getting back to the doctor.

Remind him that feeling the way that is bolded is classic depression, and that he needs help, pronto. Does he trust you to "see" when he is having issues?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

I know, right? This is like straight out of a 1950s manual on the Wifely Arts: "Don't bother your husband when he returns home from the office! He has had a hard day. Be sure to have dinner ready, make-up applied, and the children washed and silent. A pleasant home environment is key to keeping your man from straying."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Make the push right there, on taking his meds, and getting back to the doctor.

Remind him that feeling the way that is bolded is classic depression, and that he needs help, pronto. Does he trust you to "see" when he is having issues?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.