Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 21:56     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.


P.S. Nor should they.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 21:56     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 21:44     Subject: Blended family mess
The best marriages are either one and done or end in widowhood.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 21:43     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
OP here. We spend most of our free time in the summer at the pool, but BFs son doesn't swim (and it sounds like he doesn't really want to try, gets frustrated).


Well, honestly, it is normal for kids that age to get frustrated at things that they aren't good at/comfortable with. If the pool is a big thing for your family, perhaps your boyfriend can sign his son up for swimming lessons?


OP here, yes, I agree. I think what is frustrating for me is that I have to do all the work - hosting, providing snacks, and making sure my kid is being polite, sharing toys, etc. Whereas his kid can take over my place, take any toy he wants and make demands for things. His child never has to share or compromise in any way - but when my kid doesn't want to play I am the bad guy, or my kid is.


This isn't going to change after you get married. Is this what you want? It sounds awful.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 21:27     Subject: Blended family mess
This isn't about the kids--this is about you and your BF. This is significant and concerning if you are considering marriage and blending families. This isn't a playdate situation.

OP, re-read your posts about your BF. You have major issues with his parenting. You have issues with his expectations about division of labor (you hosting, etc.). You have issues with how he behaves toward or speaks of your kids.

Have you talked to your BF about these and made specific proposals? If you're talking marriage, you have every right and really should. These are big issues. To have ANY chance at a successful relationship between the two of you (not to mention a healthy childhood for your kids), you have got to be able to discuss these issues openly with your BF and both be able to compromise on some things.

I have a blended family, total 4 kids (2 mine, 2 his). We took things slowly in terms of introducing the kids to the other person, then the other kids, built up over time (like over 3 years). At first I had concerns about his parenting, honestly. While a great father in so many ways, he was the primary parent and full time career and was too permissive about screen time. Didn't do chores, were kind and overall good kids but had been catered to too much. I gently raised this with then-BF by highlighting how it impacted our time together. For us to have a chance together, we had to meet in the middle. He made major changes in his household, implemented over time. I changed some things too (mostly loosened up).

It's been great. But only b/c we're respectful of the other, really listen, and each is willing to make changes. If he hadn't have been open to changing things or hearing me, I'd have moved on.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 20:25     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
OP, you said earlier that marriage is off the table for now, in your mind. Does your BF understand that clearly, or is he still believing you want to get married eventually? Have you been clear that you and he aren't engaged or even kinda-sorta going to be engaged? I ask because I'm not clear on what he thinks the relationship is at the moment.

I do think that unless you both are on the same page about parenting expectations, if you marry, you'll end up arguing over your children. If you think you'd marry him, please get couples therapy and parenting counseling. If he is not willing to do that with you, do not marry him or move in together.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 20:04     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't the children it's your BF's unreasonable expectations and putting all of the problem on OP/OP's kids. Siblings do not need to play together all the time, family activities can be planned to include everyone, balanced with time for kids' to do their own thing. But as long BF expects his child to dictate what the other kids do and for the family activity to always be what his child wants to do then any marriage is doomed to fail. If your BF isn't willing to talk this out, compromise, and parent his child then you probably should break up. It's not going to get better.


OP here, when his child is bossy he says he's "being a leader." So he seems to encourage it. This makes me nuts. I tell him that it is fine if he asserts himself, but part of being a leader is listening to others and accepting input.


This seems like a big deal breaker, OP. Don't put yourselves and your kid through this.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 20:00     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.


Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).


I didn't read all the posts, but your kid is 5 years OLDER.

Let's say that he's 7 and the other kid is 2. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder why he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 12 and the other kid is 7. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 17 and the other kid is 12. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

No, she has two boys, one is seven and the other is five years older, so twelve. They are having the six and seven year olds play together.

I already know he's not 18 or older because he wouldn't still be there because nobody would put up with such unreasonable expectations if they had a choice.


Sorry don't know how my post got embedded in yours. You misunderstood the post, it is the two younger boys they are trying to get to play together.


Ah ok. Thanks. The older should definitely be left alone. And definitely not fair to force the 7 year old to play with someone he doesn't want to play with. Especially someone younger who tries to boss him around. Good way to make them all really hate each other.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:56     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.


Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).


I didn't read all the posts, but your kid is 5 years OLDER.

Let's say that he's 7 and the other kid is 2. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder why he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 12 and the other kid is 7. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 17 and the other kid is 12. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

No, she has two boys, one is seven and the other is five years older, so twelve. They are having the six and seven year olds play together.

I already know he's not 18 or older because he wouldn't still be there because nobody would put up with such unreasonable expectations if they had a choice.


Sorry don't know how my post got embedded in yours. You misunderstood the post, it is the two younger boys they are trying to get to play together.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:53     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.


Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).


I didn't read all the posts, but your kid is 5 years OLDER.

Let's say that he's 7 and the other kid is 2. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder why he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 12 and the other kid is 7. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 17 and the other kid is 12. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

No, she has two boys, one is seven and the other is five years older, so twelve. They are having the six and seven year olds play together.

I already know he's not 18 or older because he wouldn't still be there because nobody would put up with such unreasonable expectations if they had a choice.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:45     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.


Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).


I didn't read all the posts, but your kid is 5 years OLDER.

Let's say that he's 7 and the other kid is 2. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder why he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 12 and the other kid is 7. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

Let's say he's 17 and the other kid is 12. That means you're expecting him to babysit. No wonder he doesn't want to do it.

I already know he's not 18 or older because he wouldn't still be there because nobody would put up with such unreasonable expectations if they had a choice.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:40     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:Siblings don't always play together. If you get married, they'll have their own spaces.



+1
There's a difference between not wanting to play together and hating each other.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:32     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:Break up this is not a good match. I applaud your boyfriend for putting his son first. Too many guys meet a woman and then jettison their original family. You need to find a guy with no kids or with kids that work with your kids. He needs to do the same. The kids are the most important thing. If everyone has to stay single to put their kids first they should.


This guy doesn't sound like he's doing much parenting at all. Amazing how the OP has to do all the work while he sits in a chair, yet you applaud him...
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 19:05     Subject: Blended family mess
Break up this is not a good match. I applaud your boyfriend for putting his son first. Too many guys meet a woman and then jettison their original family. You need to find a guy with no kids or with kids that work with your kids. He needs to do the same. The kids are the most important thing. If everyone has to stay single to put their kids first they should.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 12:44     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have 1 other child. How about your BF? What are the other kids doing? I think you definitely have to not think of this as a play date for the kids. This is a date for you and BF and the kids are dragged along. BF's son can bring his own toys. Plan as many group activities as you can..something like a hike or the zoo that puts everyone on an equal start.


Hi, it is definitely not a date for me, I am busy supervising the two younger kids. My other son is older and mostly stays upstairs (he is five years older and usually comes down to say hello then retreats to his room).


If it is not enjoyable for you..stop doing this. No one is having a good time. Schedule some family events..like Sunday dinner every other week for everyone and otherwise only see each other without the kids. If you do get married, the kids will not have playdates. They will do their own thing.