Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

I think that if you want to continue the relationship, you need to have a serious conversation about finances and financial disclosure. For example, if y'all were talking about buying a house together after selling your houses, where is he going to come up with the money that would've come from the sale? If he had been planning (fictionally) to use the sale money to pay off his student loans, where will that money come from now? What debt does he have? What is his credit like? What kind of financial planning has he done, in general?

In addition to that conversation, I think you need to communicate really clearly to him how damaging to your relationship this lie was. He needs to be open and honest about why he lied - not just about owning the house but about the various statements that he made related to the house over time. Where was he going when he said he was making repairs? He may think that this lie is maybe not a huge deal, and financially, it may very well not be. A stable renting history, minimal debt, and a good credit score are (in my opinion anyway) a solid foundation for a life together. The lying is a much bigger deal and I'd want to talk a lot more about that before going forward with the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:OP come back and update us?

I haven't made any firm decisions.I'm def looking at ending it. I have no trust in him right now. It's amazing how fast things can change. Everything on his job and degree is legit. I'm concerned about other financial issues. He hasn't reached out or contacted me since he left 18 hrs ago.

I think there are a handful of major things I've lied about in my life. The only one I can remember is how I lost my virginity late and met a best friend who I thought was cooler than me, and intimated that I had lost my virginity around the same age as she had.

The thing is, obviously as we got closer, the more awkward I felt about it. And it was such a stupid thing, but one that seemed to come up often to me, just because I dreaded her realizing it hadn't been till college that I'd lost it. Discussions about my HS boyfriend seemed determined to out me as a total liar.

Eventually the burden became too much, and I found ways to kind of "clarify" my lie- "Oh, I didn't sleep with my 10th grade boyfriend", until, finally, I let it slip out. And of course, she was cool with it, because it was only a big deal in my mind.

What shocks me is keeping up a lie that feels huge to you, for a sustained period of time, and ADDING to it. In the moment when I had first made it seem like my sexual history was different, I was kind of panicked, and later, I never tried to embellish, but always lessen. And it didn't take long before i felt like we were so close, that I didn't want to have this silly lie between us.

That felt like a HUGE burden to me. So I cannot in my right mind imagine carrying on a farce like that for months or years, and keeping it going to that extent. I would say something very dark is going on with him. My opinion, of course.

Anonymous wrote:I told him that I need to be alone for a few days, so he packed a bag and is
at his dads. He has a bunch of his stuff at my house. Can't believe this.

I sorry, OP, this is bad. There is no reasonable explanation for his lie. Be thankful you found out before you were married. I would proceed with extreme caution.

Do not marry him. I found out my husband lied about so much stuff before we married. He's a compulsive liar and I'm pretty sure a narcissist or sociopath. RUN now, before you get entangled. PLEASE do not dismiss this. I speak from experience. You do NOT want to spend your life with this person, or God forbid, have children with him. Your life will end in disaster. You deserve better, and so do your future children.

OP come back and update us?

The few people who are trying to get you to rationalize why he lied, as if the reasons matter, are missing the point. This is a person who handles his uncomfortable issues and situations by lying. And then he elaborates and lives out that lie. It's not a thing where, on the spot, he panicked and lied, and then came clean. Lying is a way of life. From long experience, I assure you this is coping strategy he will use again and again.

He lied and lied to cover up the first lie and then lied to cover up those lies. You aren't married yet and can leave now with little life damage just some hurt feelings. OR you can marry him and attach yourself to someone who would tell all these lies over something so simple. People rent all over this area, there is no shame in it and there was no reason to lie about it or keep up the lie to the degree he did. Think long and hard about if this is the person you want for a husband and a father to your kids.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but that would be a major deal breaker for me.

I had a friend who married a guy who said he was paying the mortgage when he wasn't and she didn't find out until they were evicted from their home.

Teresa Giudice, anyone?

Happens all the time.

I'm sorry but that would be a major deal breaker for me.

I had a friend who married a guy who said he was paying the mortgage when he wasn't and she didn't find out until they were evicted from their home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So did you have a conversation with him about this?

Or did you just take what mom said and run with it?

I didn't say anything until we were back at my place alone. I said "who''s Dave and why did your mom ask if he had it rented out when you ended your lease". He admitted to it then.

Was he apologetic? Did he say why he lied? Did he seem embarrassed or concerned about your feelings and the damage he has done to your relationship? Or did he deflect and refuse to take responsibility for his lies? All things to think about when deciding what to do next

He was apologetic, said he felt inferior. Asked what it means for us. That's when I said I needed a few days.

I think the PP asked some good questions and it's a good line to follow.

You have a lot of knee-jerk replies telling you to get out. They may be correct. However, let me play devil's advocate for a minute. None of us know the history of your relationship or his prior relationships. Maybe his last serious relationship ended due to his GF being materialistic. Maybe he started with the little lie not anticipating your relationship would last and then fell in love and found himself trapped in his lie. He wanted to fix it but with each passing day, it seemed harder to do. Is it a reason for you to be cautious and concerned? Absolutely. Is it a reason to just end it without further conversation? I say no. Talk to him. Stay clam in spite of whatever you may be feeling inside. Ask all the questions you need. You deserve answers. Then, you need to weigh those answers.
Was he truthful in his explanation?
Are you satisfied with his explanation?
Is there anything else he lied about?
Do you need more time and to push back the wedding date to figure things out?

I like that you have given yourself a cooling down period and that you are not making any rash decisions. I hope you get the answers you seek. Good luck.

I agree with this. Maybe he told you he owned it to impress you when you first started dating or maybe in the past someone left him or laughed at him for renting, and then he just got in too deep. It's NOT OKAY for him to have carried it on elaborately though, like if he talked about maintenance and "tenants" and whatnot. That seems weird to me because if he was truly embarrassed that he lied or truly didn't want to keep lying to you I'd think that he would just like, not call them tenants ("neighbors" maybe) and gloss over the subject if it came up and try to distance himself from the original lie. But, I'd certainly give him an opportunity to explain himself first.

Damn. Major red flag staring you right in the face. Don't do it OP! I'm sorry you wasted your time with this loser but please get out now before you are financially tied to him. I cannot believe the level of deception that he thought you would never find out

Get him to request his credit report and FICO score. Check out if he said he graduated from college - ask for a transcript. If there's more then this big lie get out now!

This is how he is, OP. He has lied and will lie about other things. You don't want to sign up for a life of lies. Move his stuff out, and break up. I've been with someone who lied this way, and he had low self-esteem and lived out these kinds of lies as his way of dealing with things. You cannot trust someone who operates this way. Thank your lucky stars you found out before you married him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So did you have a conversation with him about this?

Or did you just take what mom said and run with it?

I didn't say anything until we were back at my place alone. I said "who''s Dave and why did your mom ask if he had it rented out when you ended your lease". He admitted to it then.

Was he apologetic? Did he say why he lied? Did he seem embarrassed or concerned about your feelings and the damage he has done to your relationship? Or did he deflect and refuse to take responsibility for his lies? All things to think about when deciding what to do next

He was apologetic, said he felt inferior. Asked what it means for us. That's when I said I needed a few days.

I think the PP asked some good questions and it's a good line to follow.

You have a lot of knee-jerk replies telling you to get out. They may be correct. However, let me play devil's advocate for a minute. None of us know the history of your relationship or his prior relationships. Maybe his last serious relationship ended due to his GF being materialistic. Maybe he started with the little lie not anticipating your relationship would last and then fell in love and found himself trapped in his lie. He wanted to fix it but with each passing day, it seemed harder to do. Is it a reason for you to be cautious and concerned? Absolutely. Is it a reason to just end it without further conversation? I say no. Talk to him. Stay clam in spite of whatever you may be feeling inside. Ask all the questions you need. You deserve answers. Then, you need to weigh those answers.
Was he truthful in his explanation?
Are you satisfied with his explanation?
Is there anything else he lied about?
Do you need more time and to push back the wedding date to figure things out?

I like that you have given yourself a cooling down period and that you are not making any rash decisions. I hope you get the answers you seek. Good luck.