Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:np: When relatives visit us, I hate dishing out every meal for them but I do it. Then they hurt my feelings by going out to eat, implying my meals weren't satisfying. When we visit relatives, we have to bring all our own food because we keep kosher. They live where there are no kosher restaurants. It's hard.

Is it possible you're not making enough food?

+1

My MIL used to try to say "well the food is gone, it must have been good!". IRL, she made the amount of food that HALF the people in attendance would have needed for a meal, so SILs have started to bring main courses.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, OP. You are an adult - if your MIL has control issues and/or eating disorders, it is on her, not you.

My ex's mother had what I suspect was an eating disorder, on top of OCD.

Everything in her fridge matched color-wise (she put everything in matching color containers), she always said people were "piggish," she bragged about being 98 pounds, she never kept food in her house, and we weren't allowed to bring in outside food and if we did we couldn't eat it in the main room, we'd have to take it to the bedroom. And we weren't allowed to eat it off her plates, we had to use a paper plate.

I only stayed once.

Food is a basic necessity and you shouldn't feel guilty feeding yourself when you are hungry. There is no need to justify it by explaining activity level or how thin you are. Stop at a grocery store and buy whatever you need. If you're hungry at 8, go in the kitchen (with your DH!) and make yourself a sandwich. Handwash the dishes if the dishwasher is already running. If someone asks, you just state that you are hungry so you are getting more food. Surely you wouldn't let your parents or in laws dictate how often or when you need to go to the bathroom, food shouldn't be any different.

We buy groceries and we end up going out to eat. My poor teens would starve at grandmas house.

Anonymous wrote:np: When relatives visit us, I hate dishing out every meal for them but I do it. Then they hurt my feelings by going out to eat, implying my meals weren't satisfying. When we visit relatives, we have to bring all our own food because we keep kosher. They live where there are no kosher restaurants. It's hard.

Is it possible you're not making enough food?

Anonymous wrote: Agree – don't stay with her anymore. But I think your husband needs to have a talk with your mom, and explain that you both are often hungry at her house, and feel scrutinized whenever you go into the kitchen to get food. He could go on to say that you need to have a regular lunch and a more filling dinner, and that you realize that your need for this may place a burden on her. So that therefore, you'll continue to enjoy spending time with them, but the two of you will manage your own meals.

Having written this, I can see that it's going to open up a huge can of worms. But I think being straight and direct about your needs, and not compromising or let her continue to control your food and eating habits when you stay with with her or visit her is important.

NP here. I second this post with a strong caution that DH, not you, needs to handle this, as this post notes. He should be clear that HE is hungry, he does understand that having guests throws them off their cooking routines, and he is not upset or angry, but only wants everyone to have a comfortable visit, and for him that means the two of you handling your own food needs. This should come from him so that his parents can't tell themselves that you're "behind it" or that you're criticizing them via him. (If the situation involved your parents instead of his, I'd say you needed to be the one having this talk. Each spouse handles issues involving his or her own parents.)

I do agree with a PP that older people often eat less; their appetites are lower than when they were younger, for some; and routines can become very important in ways we don't always understand. My own mom ate like a bird as she got older and had always hated cooking, but she never would have monitored our eating or opposed our going into her kitchen to cook or eat anytime. Maybe your in-laws are not even realizing they eat much less than you do. I'd try to approach the issue with understanding for their age and adherence to routine, and I'd work with DH to script a direct but kind talk about doing your own thing regarding food.

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that older people, in general, eat less than younger people. Both my parents and my ILs serve the pithiest little meals and we are also always hungry when we visit them. We just use the kids as an excuse and do a grocery trip when we visit either set of parents.

This is so true. Older people eat so much less and forget that this is not how they used to eat. I am also surprised by all the posters that have no problem going into a MIL's kitchen, stocking it with extra food and helping themselves, etc. I think that is a pretty rude houseguest.

I am very sympathetic to the poster, my mother is the same way. She has completely forgotten how much more kids and younger adults eat. She is no longer accustomed to cooking for more than two people or having people in her kitchen. She is definitely a control freak, but I also understand how difficult it is for some older people to shift gears. Every rattling of a wrapper, every time you open the fridge to look for something, she is in the kitchen in a flash to "help".

I don't have a great solution for you, but my approach has been: to realize this will be an issues so I try to focus on the other parts of the visit and not think about food too much, use it as an opportunity to lose some weight, feed the kids snacks on outings outside of the house, offer to take them out for dinner at least once a trip, offer to do more of the cooking so the portions are more appropriate. That combination gets us through, but meals and food in general are definitely not a highlight of the visit.

And we stay with her because she really wants us to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. When you visit her you eat breakfast at 7 am and then she'll tell you "Now no one eat anything else. We're going to have a big dinner early tonight."

"Early" means 8 or 9 pm. Then she wants everyone to head to the zoo (she lives in San Diego) and walk around for hours. But NO FOOD.

My brother and his wife visited her with my 5 year old twin nieces...by 4 o'clock they put their foot down and ordered a pizza for their hungry kids. It caused a huge fight and my brother's family ended up cutting their visit short (they were visiting all the way from Texas.)

So curious - how did this cause a huge fight? Who thinks that small kids can happily go 12+ hours without eating? Especially when walking around outside all day. And then being offended because children need food - what???

PP you quoted here.
Exactly, it's insane that she thinks that. She wasn't like that when my brothers and I were growing up, it's become more recent since she's gotten older. But the "holding meals hostage" as we call it, has been going on at least ten years now.

It caused a fight because after my brother ordered the pizza, my mom kept glaring at my brother's wife (like she did something wrong by feeding her kids!) and just generally making them feel uncomfortable.

You do bring your own food. You put up with the commentary or you let it be known you won't put up with it.
- have on you - apples/bananas, water, granola bars minimum - whatever - some minimum
- leave the house for a restaurant/or bring back

We always bring food depending who we're staying with, especially for the kids. I try to keep it simple and clean up after ourselves.

Sil doesn't buy fruits and vegetables. I buy lots and her kids are so happy to have some too. She always acts surprised that her kids eat produce!

I have an aunt who doesn't eat much and doesn't think anyone needs lunch. I just make sandwiches or we go out. She seems to think we won't eat dinner if we have lunch.

I grew up with parents somewhat like this. They just had no realistic sense of how much a growing child needs to eat. Try to shield your kids from these comments as much as possible. It's not healthy and those nagging comments easily become your inner demons.

I'd ask my husband to talk to his mother about judging eating in front of the kids. If she can't make progress, I'd still visit but not stay at her place.

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that older people, in general, eat less than younger people. Both my parents and my ILs serve the pithiest little meals and we are also always hungry when we visit them. We just use the kids as an excuse and do a grocery trip when we visit either set of parents.

My mil is also an anorexic foodwatcher and commenter. There is very little food at her house and she watches everyone like a hawk and comments on the eating that occurs. I admit that i enjoy getting her riled up. I take the kids out for food, show up with extra groceries, order pizza and bring home buckets of fried chicken. She enjoys a slice of low cal diet bread toasted with no butter with black coffee for breakfast. She counts the food out. Five strawberries is a serving. Six greenbeans. That is what she would feed my children if i did not intervene.

Anonymous wrote:We have had guests who seem to want to eat all the time. I can't help but wonder how the OP's ILs would tell this story. I always have a ton of food in the house and people are welcome to get whatever they want from the kitchen. But I will admit that I judge. No one needs three big meals a day. I also hate when people hyper focus on food. Don't ask me about dinner at 10am.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. When you visit her you eat breakfast at 7 am and then she'll tell you "Now no one eat anything else. We're going to have a big dinner early tonight."

"Early" means 8 or 9 pm. Then she wants everyone to head to the zoo (she lives in San Diego) and walk around for hours. But NO FOOD.

My brother and his wife visited her with my 5 year old twin nieces...by 4 o'clock they put their foot down and ordered a pizza for their hungry kids. It caused a huge fight and my brother's family ended up cutting their visit short (they were visiting all the way from Texas.)

So curious - how did this cause a huge fight? Who thinks that small kids can happily go 12+ hours without eating? Especially when walking around outside all day. And then being offended because children need food - what???