Anonymous wrote:I am a single female.

I have a male friend that was single when we met, and tried to date me. I said no, and good thing I did because it turns out he had a girlfriend he never told me about. They got engaged. He continued to try to date me, and we ended up sleeping together once. They got married. He still pursued me, but I declined. They got divorced. He still tried to date me but I said no way because he clearly has fidelity issues. He told me he loves me. He got married to a different lady and had kids with her. He still tried to date me the whole time!

This man still pursues me to this day. 17 years later. Tells me he loves me, always trying to take me on vacations and treat me to nice things. Despite my one transgression with him, I have declined everything else. I try to keep it platonic and ask about his work, family, wife and kids. When he says he wants to take me on vacation, I say great, let's all go on vacation together with the wife and kids! Has yet to happen, lol

I'm pretty sure his wife (or the other one) has no clue who I am. I've never met her, though I wouldn't have a problem doing so. But I'm pretty sure she wouldn't approve of this particular friendship, where her husband is pursuing said friend.

I also have another friend. He has a girlfriend. We met in college and were besties. He came onto me a few years ago, when we were both single, after a night of slightly drunken fun on July 4. We slept together that nite. We were still friends after that, but with the element of attraction now, though I didn't sleep with him again. He continued to pursue for sex and affection. He got into a relationship. He still continues to pursue me. I have met the girlfriend, we've all hung out together and had fun, and she has no idea her man is all over me like white on rice the minute she turns her back.

So my take away is, to do your homework on any female friends your husband has, single or married. The married ones are probably the worst. The ones to worry about most are the ones you don't know about, or don't know much about. Men can and do lead double lives. They can't help their attraction to some women, and will stop at nothing to get with her, even if they seem like a saint to you.

You also seem to get what many of these naive ladies don't, no straight man spends that much time in coversation with a woman he is not sleeping with or trying to sleep with unless it's his mama, his grandmama or his sister and I mean actually those things don't fall for the " he's like a sister to me BS."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be upset and here's why. We are all so busy and there are so few hours of the day. If he's talking to her multiple times a day then he's presumably using time he could be using to talk to you, pay bills, focus on work etc.

If I were you I'd ask him if you're allowed to have a male friend like this. Knowing most men, I would be willing to bet the answer is no.

Does this mean he's cheating? Not necessarily. However my husband did have a woman he spoke with frequently and swore they were just friends. Of course later I found out they were having sex.

We can just end the thread here. You also seem to get what many of these naive ladies don't, no straight man spends that much time in coversation with a woman he is not sleeping with or trying to sleep with unless it's his mama, his grandmama or his sister and I mean actually those things don't fall for the " he's like a sister to me BS."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just recently got married, <30 days. My husband had/has a single female friend that he is in a fair amount of contact with prior to our marriage. I mean like daily, talks on phone on way to work(long commute), texting in evening and occasional email. Nothing going on just talking about weather, work things, work gossip, tv shows. She is very accomplished and he ask her questions concerning a lot of different things, medical, finances recommendation on things to buy or not buy. I am paying bills now and I see that most of contact is initiated by him. Am I wrong to think that this would have slowed down a bit once we were married? I was never concerned about her before we married, I am just wondering why the level of contact hasn't changed at all. For others who might ask, yes she is attractive and has a relationship with a man that has been going on for sometime but probably won't turn into marriage cause she doesn't want to marry. Am I just being paranoid? Should I think of her as the big sister he never had?

Has she ever said or done anything that you think is inappropriate? Do you have any indications that their relationship is more than they say? How does she act towards you? Seems to me that if there was anything romantic between them, you probably would not even be in the picture.

People here will tell you otherwise, but I have always found it a benefit that DH has a close female friend. Their mothers are best friends from childhood DH and our friend were pretty much like brother and sister. She treats me like she treats him and has worked hard to create a relationship with me. I am never excluded from their discussions and she often texts me independently. She also had given him advice from a female perspective that probably nipped some of our marriage issues in the bud.

I may be an odd duck but I am not a big fan of regulating your SO's long term platonic friendships. They have been friends for years (long before you came along it seems) and if you object, he is just going to take the friendship underground. Try to be a part of it. Then you will know for sure firsthand what it is all about.

I have only met her once and she was really great to me. She wasn't able to make the wedding due to a vacation booked way in advance. I haven't really seen them interact to say how she behaves around him but the one time there didn't seem to be anything to question. She lives kinda far from where we live so getting to know her more would be difficult and we have so little in common. I do agree that if I try to question this or shut it down that won't stop it and will take it underground.

Wait. They speak multiple times daily (phone, text and email) yet when ya'll set the date for the wedding she had a long-scheduled vacation already on the books? Sounds odd to me

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP.
Are you willing to give up all your male friends that your DH might question?

I think preexisting friendships should be allowed to continue, but the level of contact and intensity you describe it too much.


I wasn't aware people generally were in the business of regulating their partners' interpersonal relationships. That's just weird and creepy.


I don't know what you mean by regulation. If DH and I have outside relationships (family or friendships) that concern or disturb the other person, we would raise it with one another, respect one another's feelings, and modify behavior accordingly. If you find that "creepy," hey, you have a right to your views. You manage your relationships the way you think best, and we'll do ours the way we think best.


I guess I'm just not as insecure as you.

Anonymous wrote:I'd be upset and here's why. We are all so busy and there are so few hours of the day. If he's talking to her multiple times a day then he's presumably using time he could be using to talk to you, pay bills, focus on work etc.

If I were you I'd ask him if you're allowed to have a male friend like this. Knowing most men, I would be willing to bet the answer is no.

Does this mean he's cheating? Not necessarily. However my husband did have a woman he spoke with frequently and swore they were just friends. Of course later I found out they were having sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think preexisting friendships should be allowed to continue, but the level of contact and intensity you describe it too much.


I wasn't aware people generally were in the business of regulating their partners' interpersonal relationships. That's just weird and creepy.

I don't know what you mean by regulation. If DH and I have outside relationships (family or friendships) that concern or disturb the other person, we would raise it with one another, respect one another's feelings, and modify behavior accordingly. If you find that "creepy," hey, you have a right to your views. You manage your relationships the way you think best, and we'll do ours the way we think best.

I guess I'm just not as insecure as you.

What PP posted is healthy. Spouses can have friends that don't infringe on the other spouses feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think preexisting friendships should be allowed to continue, but the level of contact and intensity you describe it too much.


I wasn't aware people generally were in the business of regulating their partners' interpersonal relationships. That's just weird and creepy.

I don't know what you mean by regulation. If DH and I have outside relationships (family or friendships) that concern or disturb the other person, we would raise it with one another, respect one another's feelings, and modify behavior accordingly. If you find that "creepy," hey, you have a right to your views. You manage your relationships the way you think best, and we'll do ours the way we think best.

I guess I'm just not as insecure as you.