Anonymous wrote:OP-it's 1-2x per week and about half the time he "asks" and the other half he will just tell me ahead of time. To the PP who suggested having him get up early with the baby on those days, I could try that--but I feel bad making him do that when he has to go to work that day. Should I not (feel bad)?

Seems perfectly reasonable by him. I think you are overreacting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

NP, you clearly never breastfed. A breastfeeding mother cant just dip out in her newborn for an entire day.

Um, I am the poster who said leave the dad with the baby, and yes, actually, I have breastfed 3 babies each for a year. No you can't leave a baby alone with Dad for a full day in the beginning, but you can certainly leave the baby for a few hours. You just have to pump. And then when you go back to work, you do leave the baby with Dad for a full day, and how do you do it? By pumping. Don't be a martyr. It will kill you.

Yup, pumping. But my children wouldn't take the bottles I so lovingly pumped. They loved the boobies.

no way i would tolerate this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

NP, you clearly never breastfed. A breastfeeding mother cant just dip out in her newborn for an entire day.

Um, I am the poster who said leave the dad with the baby, and yes, actually, I have breastfed 3 babies each for a year. No you can't leave a baby alone with Dad for a full day in the beginning, but you can certainly leave the baby for a few hours. You just have to pump. And then when you go back to work, you do leave the baby with Dad for a full day, and how do you do it? By pumping. Don't be a martyr. It will kill you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

NP, you clearly never breastfed. A breastfeeding martyr cant just dip out in her newborn for an entire day.

Fixed your post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

NP, you clearly never breastfed. A breastfeeding mother cant just dip out in her newborn for an entire day.

Puh-lease. At 11 weeks, the baby is barely a newborn and a BFing mother certainly can go out for an entire day without her baby. It's called a breast bump. I BF'd my 3 kids until they were all @11months. I had to go back to work when they were 10-12 weeks old. What the hell do you think I (and many) mothers have to do all day?

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. My DH came straight home from work while I was on leave, because I requested it and because he loves me. But he didn't REALLY understand until he took 6 weeks off after I went back to work. He was so psyched for me to get home. Until baby is sleeping through the night, you get the commute as your "me" time, and otherwise you're working for money or you're working for family. It does get easier. We both have post-work and weekend fun plenty now. (Baby is 1.) But not in those early days.

IMO, you don't need to have a big confrontation about it. Just arrange for him to have the baby for a full day (like, you're actually out of the house) so he understands the unrelenting nature of caring for a infant.

NP, you clearly never breastfed. A breastfeeding mother cant just dip out in her newborn for an entire day.

Anonymous wrote:Empty nester guy here. After we had kids I rarely did a boys night out. I traveled for business a fair amount and my DW worked so a boys night out wasn't something that was important to me. She did a disproportionate share of child rearing and rarely did a girls night out. I may have fewer male buddies than others who did boys night out, but I have a fabulous marriage.

This is nice. Lovely to hear some maturity and perspective.

Empty nester guy here. After we had kids I rarely did a boys night out. I traveled for business a fair amount and my DW worked so a boys night out wasn't something that was important to me. She did a disproportionate share of child rearing and rarely did a girls night out. I may have fewer male buddies than others who did boys night out, but I have a fabulous marriage.

Anonymous wrote:The weirdest part of this to me is that he'd WANT to go out multiple times a week when his newborn baby is at home. The newborn phase goes so fast - my husband couldn't WAIT to rush home after work and see brand new DD before she went to sleep. Once a week / occasionally is one thing, but honestly I see this bevahior as a red flag.

Here'd my experience: it absolutely is a red flag in terms of the dad's responsibility and care for his wife. But not necessarily as a father. A lot of men don't care about the kid until it learns to talk.

The weirdest part of this to me is that he'd WANT to go out multiple times a week when his newborn baby is at home. The newborn phase goes so fast - my husband couldn't WAIT to rush home after work and see brand new DD before she went to sleep. Once a week / occasionally is one thing, but honestly I see this bevahior as a red flag.

Anonymous wrote:
He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!


Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.


Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

billions of women also died in childbirth. billions of women had/have no access to birth control and live in societies where they are not equal to men in many significant ways. billions of women had children and lived with extended families for generations, and many of those men did not go out drinking with their buddies every evening because they were farming. just because she *can* handle being with an infant 24/7 does not mean she shoudl--why does he get a pass from the hard work of being a parent?

plus, at a certain point she will go back to work and then what? is he still going to be going out a couple times a week while she runs home from a long day of work and does all the kid related stuff? is that at the point where the "unfairness" sets in? Is she responsible for all the drop off, picks up, pumping, washing bottles, etc? She needs to nip this crap in the bud, otherwise she will be whining on here in a few years that she does all the house/kid related work and holds down a full time job, etc, and they stop having sex due to resentment ....

He has a 3 month old at home. He should be home, working alongside his wife to raise HIS child. During the day, each has his/her job. His is at his regular salaried employment. Hers is an exchange of her salaried employment for a temporary period of childcare. When his day at work is done, he needs to join the home life and participate equally.

and, having been on 2 maternity leaves, working at WORK is a hell of a lot easier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

NP. Living apart from other generations is a relatively new phenomenon. There's a reason that people say "it takes a village to raise a child"...not because people are pioneer women who struggle through 14 hour days of child-rearing, but because they had the support of the family and friends surrounding them.

+1

Also, "survival" is not the goal. A happy, healthy mom should be the goal. That requires support and work by the child's OTHER PARENT. Dad should be coming home after work to relieve the mom and spend time with his infant. It sounds like he wants to have the baby without giving up his pre-baby freedom - not gonna happen.

Single mother's seem to cope without constant whining.

That's because they are single because they got ground down by their useless DHs and left.

OP put your foot down or this will only get worse. My DH started pulling this when our kid was a newborn and his selfishness has almost wrecked out marriage now 5 years later. If he does not immediately see the error of his ways get counseling. I am dead serious - this will ruin you and your relationship if you let it go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works and maternity leave is leave for YOU, not him, to take care of baby!

Uh, no. It's for her to recover - having 14 hour days with no break with an infant is mentally and physically exhausting like nothing else.

Yet billions of women, until your generation, did exactly this and, somehow, miracously survived.

God, you are such a shrew.