Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

It's hard to have coffee after school drop off, squeeze in yoga and lunch while working full time. I can see why she won't give that up readily for some nebulous goals.

OP, since she has ceded the financial reigns to you, put her on a tight allowance -- basically saying most of money is spoken for Tsp 529s etc. I would setup automatic transfers, eliminate all credit cards, and give her one debit card which is tied to the account her allowance is deposited to.

If she really is feigning ignorance or can't grasp these things this is a prudent approach and ensures the needs of the family are met first.

+ 1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

FFS His breadwinninghnjob and their financial help are the priority, not making sure they have the right gift for Larlos classmate or signed up for travel soccer. Everything in their life derives from his load, her load depends entirely on his and is nowhere near as important or stressful. Have you ever had a John b you had to excel at and your family depends upon? Ludicrous.

That is not what I said. You are freaking out because you haven't taken the time to actually read and understand my words. If both are working full time, sometimes he will need to take time off because of a sick kid or some other random parenting issue. That will affect his job. Some jobs/employees are okay with this. Some aren't. It's just something to be aware of.

Sick kid maybe, but if it affects his job then they hire a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

Can you concretely characterize the daily workload the SAHM carries? I have three active Younger kids in the OP, and there are periods of planning, such as summer camps, or change of seasons for sports and activities. And then there's the taking the kids to the activities, but there really isn't that much time nothing like an actual job. I am not sure this is some kind of unified propaganda that SAHM use together to pull the wool over their breadwinners eyes over why they have to stay home.

It's not like OP career doesn't take investment in planning outside of his day-to-day work, maybe he is just punching it in, but in order to actually succeed and keep your job it takes more than just showing up for a paycheck. Further apparently he handles ALL financial affairs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

FFS His breadwinninghnjob and their financial help are the priority, not making sure they have the right gift for Larlos classmate or signed up for travel soccer. Everything in their life derives from his load, her load depends entirely on his and is nowhere near as important or stressful. Have you ever had a John b you had to excel at and your family depends upon? Ludicrous.

That is not what I said. You are freaking out because you haven't taken the time to actually read and understand my words. If both are working full time, sometimes he will need to take time off because of a sick kid or some other random parenting issue. That will affect his job. Some jobs/employees are okay with this. Some aren't. It's just something to be aware of.

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

FFS His breadwinninghnjob and their financial help are the priority, not making sure they have the right gift for Larlos classmate or signed up for travel soccer. Everything in their life derives from his load, her load depends entirely on his and is nowhere near as important or stressful. Have you ever had a John b you had to excel at and your family depends upon? Ludicrous.

^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

There have been quite a lot of posts on the mental tax on caring for children. While I agree that this an often unrecognized burden -- where are the posts on the OP's mental burden for carrying the entire mental load for their financial picture? We're not even talking about relative earnings here. We're talking about someone who puts her head in the sand about their financial picture.

I am the female, sole breadwinner. I've carried the primary burden on child-related issues (not now, though). I've carried the burden on wage earning --I can't even imagine the stress, if my DH left me to be the only worrying about our financial picture.

Many of you are completely underestimating this load - it was way way more taxing than making sure doctors' appointments, teacher conferences, birthday parties, sports practices, etc get calendared and attended to.

Anonymous wrote:Here's a question op.... what is your HHI? Are you not paying your bills? Are you not able to put away for college? I work part time (20-25 hours a week) and I don't bring in that much money, but I can drop my kids off and pick them up, I can shuttle them to activities, help them with homework, and have a healthy dinner on the table when my Dh gets home so we can all eat as a family and get my kids to bed at a decent hour. My Dh respects that my low hours and low pay means that our family has a lot more balance and calmness than we could have if I also worked full time. Are you really worried about money, or are you resentful that she gets to do yoga during the day? If it's the latter, is there a way that she can make it up to you on the weekends? Make sure you get workout time or buddy time while she's on kid duty?

If they agreed she would go back to work I can see why daily yoga could be point of contention. And generally SAHM socializing isn't free.

Here's a question op.... what is your HHI? Are you not paying your bills? Are you not able to put away for college? I work part time (20-25 hours a week) and I don't bring in that much money, but I can drop my kids off and pick them up, I can shuttle them to activities, help them with homework, and have a healthy dinner on the table when my Dh gets home so we can all eat as a family and get my kids to bed at a decent hour. My Dh respects that my low hours and low pay means that our family has a lot more balance and calmness than we could have if I also worked full time. Are you really worried about money, or are you resentful that she gets to do yoga during the day? If it's the latter, is there a way that she can make it up to you on the weekends? Make sure you get workout time or buddy time while she's on kid duty?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

That's the thing. If she works full time, you will need to become flexible in your career. You will need to be willing to take time off when kids are sick or someone needs to cover carpool. Your career will be affected. Are you willing to compromise on that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

I agree that is is important (and helpful) to have a parent home in the afternoon, but some Fed jobs are very flexible--flex hours, teleworking, etc. It also sounds like OP is willing to contribute to household labor, and his wife doesn't have a traditional, salaried, sit in the office 8-5, M-F job.

So maybe OP teleworks or flexes twice a week so he is in the house when the kids come home, and his wife works late those days. Then she either works half days the other three days, or weekends (depending on how much extra income is needed). She could probably get close to FT this way, and the kids still have a parent in the house when they get home. If she works weekends, she can still see her SAHM friends three days a week, and OP will need to be responsible for weekend activities.

My DH and I have a similar schedule: I telework M,W,F, and he teleworks T, Th. Someone is always in the house when the bus comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Holy fuck.

Yes, but op would also then add that all the housework is done by him. Doesn't mention running the home at all. He says she works part time, but in reality she works full time or more, just doesn't get paid for housework.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a BANK ACCOUNT and I am very thankful for that

fixed that for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

I hope you two are preparing for when your kids go to college, because most likely those MEN you married will be dumping you for the young trophy second wives who they can enjoy their lives with. They are probably just staying with you until the kids leave the house.