Anonymous wrote:OP- been here done this. The one thing that worked for me is having my fiancés support and my family. You need to tell your family what is going on cause right now you are almost being gaslighted. He doesn't think they are racist when they obviously are and you haven't confided in you family about what is going on so you are going a little nuts.

Tell your family. Come what may you are going to need some family some where. If he doesn't put his foot down on his family and demand that they stop disrespecting you then you need to end this. Cause if he won't do it now, he won't do it later for your children and it will just get worst. If he does do that then you both can turn to the warm embrace of your family to support you. What you need right now is support, your not getting it from him and your family has no clue so you get nothing from them.

Your fiancé is the only one in a position to do something about his family. He has to either demand their respect and civility or he will step away from them. If his family loves him they will comply. You may have to check them several times and reiterate the demand and that is fine. If they say no to his demand then they have shown who they are and that they don't really have any love for him.

If he won't do this, you need to end this.

Anonymous wrote:I bet this thread will turn out to be a troll.

OP - you don't have to put up with any. you are NOT marrying his family. you are marrying him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

In your op, you said he admitted the reason he kept you from his family the first year of dating was because he said the family was rascist. But here he doesn't think they are. Which is it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap break off the engagement. The scary thing is how much of that racism your fiance has unconsciously absorbed. He might try to be PC, he proposed to you, but I bet he has some deep seated racial stereotypes that will affect his decisions.

Guess what. My DH has lots of black friends, his best friend and groomsman was black. His parents ran a small business for decades, first in a black neighborhood, and encountered and lived through many of the negative stereotypes. They got out of that neighborhood when they got enough savings. Due to their negative experiences, my inlaws openly think poorly of blacks. I thought my DH was all cool and super openminded due to his circle of friends, in which those black friends have remained constantly in the core. They spend so much time together, we go on family vacations. Well, ten years into knowing my DH, he confessed that he would never let our daughter marry a black guy. I was surprised. Apparently he thinks his friends are the exception and the rest of the black people he encountered during his personal and professional life (he's middle aged) have shaped his beliefs. But he's so PC!!!!! I think a lot came from the parental experience. I now realize the depth of how parents influence kids beliefs on matters that seem simple.

Btw, if you come from a high UMC and him way lower, that itself presents challenges that are super irritating. I "married down" and my DH's crass and just MC family drives me nuts. When you have kids, you cannot avoid the inlaws.

This is OP.

Well I think my fiance has absorbed a lot of his parents feelings. He for example, despite obvious evidence, does not think his family is racist.

He refuses to admit it. It is SO baffling.

And yes they are MC. Both parents did not attend college although my fiance and his sibling are very well educated and have good jobs. They are still MC and the cultural difference is grating. Even though I am black, I find I am more...cultured than they are?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question is, is there something your fiance could do that would make this bearable for you, and if so will he do it? Like, would he support you if you said you dont want to be around them anymore unless they change their ways? Or would he loudly call them out on their rudeness and say you guys are leaving the house until they can be respectful?

As it is right now, my fiance wants to be around his family in limited doses. He himself I personally think is a victim of emotional abuse from when he was little. Like I said they do not have much respect for him either. But he is blinded by his love for his family and doesnt truly see it. So I leave it be. Its between them. He visits his family once in a few weeks (they are local). I feel its rude if I do not join him occasionally but mostly only see them Christmas and Thanksgiving. It sucks because I used to LOVE the holidays and now I dread them. They are polite enough now but we have too much history and baggage for me to truly ever feel comfortable and valued by them.