Anonymous wrote:What is going on here? You are getting some terrible advice here. Don't say you want to settle, don't be too put-together? What?

That's a perfect way of meeting the wrong person. Be exactly who you are and never be anybody else. Only then will you find someone that's perfect for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

+1. I have a friend--late 30s, AA, decently attractive, never married, very well-educated--who wants to get married at some point. I think she comes off as too high-maintenance. Hair and makeup are always perfect, always dressed in heels, still goes to bars/clubs. I don't think she comes across as down to earth, and therefore I think the "marriage material" men are probably scared off, although I wouldn't tell her that.

Interesting, but I know alot of AA and Nigerian girls who are always put together and are happily dating and married to quality, educated guys.

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

+1. I have a friend--late 30s, AA, decently attractive, never married, very well-educated--who wants to get married at some point. I think she comes off as too high-maintenance. Hair and makeup are always perfect, always dressed in heels, still goes to bars/clubs. I don't think she comes across as down to earth, and therefore I think the "marriage material" men are probably scared off, although I wouldn't tell her that.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

Anonymous wrote:I really lucked out with my DH, but when I first started dating him, I literally burst out laughing when my friend asked me if I'd ever marry him.

Of course, I was still young then, and so you have a little less time than me (about five years, so not critical), but I do think that if I was looking for a husband, I'd have kept striking out.

HAVING SAID THAT, the paradox is that you don't want someone who is great at dating, horrible at marriage (or, put another way, great at traveling, horrible at the daily grind).

What is it, specifically, that makes you feel eager to settle down? People do truly flock to people who are somewhat self-sufficient/not needy, but open to others.

And I'll also say that it would help to date outside your ethnic background. (I'm Jewish, and some of my Jewish friends have had a hard time dating because they limit themselves to Jewish men, who are notorious for dating out. And the J-Date site is awful, I hear. So I ended up with an Asian husband, who is wonderful.)

What I *wouldn't* focus on, so much, is your appearance, because frankly, I have not noticed it to make much difference. Perhaps on the contrary, the too-put together ladies sometimes come off as too high-maintenance.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't express wanting to settle down early.

I have heard this....why is this a kiss of death?

Anonymous wrote:I have some online dating advice that really saved me. It took me years to realize, but it made a huge difference immediately.

Only engage with men who state they want a monogamous relationship, hope for marriage, etc. Do NOT engage with men who say they are looking to be friends and see where it goes, etc. The men who state outright what they hope to find - not that they plan to settle or rush it, but that they want it in their life - are the ones you want. The ones who dance around it or say they want to date and see what happens...they are not currently in the same headspace as you. THey may get there later, but that doesnt help you. Once I made this a line for me, in reviewing profiles, my dates went SO much better and I had multiple long term relationships ending with the one I married. Online dating can be death by a thousand papercuts (rejection, ghosting, etc), but it really can work out so well if you are discerning in your selection. It may mean long "dry" spells, but keep your life hopes in mind - marriage, family etc. And look for that in them. Im excited for you. I know its hard for all women - esp in DC area - and probably even harder for minorities, but I think you got this =)