Anonymous wrote:Op, honestly I think you're fixating on how to tell your children because you are not allowing yourself to think honestly about what has happened. You found out very recently and seem to imply you've processed and moved on. I have my doubts that that is the case. I think we often try to distract ourselves by worrying about our kids so as not too deeply prone our own feelings about something. Your husband didn't just cheat. He involved your son in this betrayal. I think there is anger and a whole wealth of emotions you may not have really acknowledged, given that you won't even answer the questions about that. Secure your own oxygen mask before aiding your children. Take care of yourself before making any commitment to this sham of a marriage or figuring out things like how to tell the kids. You're not ready to go there yet.

Anonymous wrote:You find the best divorce lawyer and you get rid of him. You said that you have a very good job so you know you will be all right financially. You deserve a lot better than this man who is not worthy of you.

I wish you and your children the very best.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you, but I admire you for trying to keep your family together and not blaming any of the children involved. I don't know how much my perspective will help, but here goes.

My dad did this, with the difference being that he and my mom were long divorced when it happened. I know that's a big difference. He had two daughters with a woman he was dating. He never told me, and he refused to play the role of the father with them. I found out when I was about 30. To me, the worst part of the entire situation is that he abandoned those girls and they grew up knowing who their father was and that he didn't want them. Second worst part was that I have two half-sisters who I don't know and who probably resent the everloving hell out of me. (I'm otherwise an only child.) So, from the perspective of the child and NOT the perspective of the betrayed wife, I think it is a good thing to get the kids together and to have the relationship recognized. The cheating is at the adult level. The sibling relationship is at the child level.

When I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad about my half-sisters, not knowing they were my half-sisters, wanting to know who their father was. He told me to ask their mother, which I never did.[b] Point being that it took me several years of knowing them to ask the question, and I was pretty old by then[b]. I would prepare a straightforward answer in case you get asked ("Larla doesn't live with us because she lives with her mom, but it's nice that we still get to see each other") and otherwise consider waiting a few years. Maybe my DD is naive but she is 5, only a year younger than your son, and she still has a very fluid understanding of family. We have six grandparents (we refer to stepparents as grandma and grandpa) and a series of close friends who we call aunties and uncles. She wants everyone to live with us all the time, including our adult friends, our nanny, grandma, a neighbor, etc. Based on my experience with her, I think it would be too young to try to explain anything more than, she's your sister too but lives in a different house. We're starting to have a few divorced friends with kids, so it's not that wild a scenario.

I won't speak to whether the messages condones the cheating as some of the other posters have, but again from my perspective in the child generation, the biggest moral failing in a situation like this is abandoning or otherwise punishing innocent children. Cheating on an adult partner is a moral failing as well, but it wouldn't necessarily spell the end of everyone's marriage, including my own if it happened to me.

Therapy seems like a good idea, as PPs have suggested. I never did therapy because I'm someone who bottles up emotions and came to my own conclusion that I was Just. Not. Dealing. With. Dad's. Shit., but therapy may be healthier.

Final thought - discuss estate planning with your DH and then with a lawyer. This can throw a big monkey wrench into things. It sounds like your DH is recognizing the other daughter, but my dad is not and that may leave his will open to challenge after he passes.

Anonymous wrote: He did a very bad thing. I'm not condoning it. But I don't have to let it disrupt my life and the life of my children either. I'm committed to minimizing its harm for my children and that's why I wanted to ask for advice for people who have been there. It doesn't sound like this is a common, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

NP here but if the love child is four years old now presumably her husband is already paying support somehow or the OW is not interested in pursuing it. At four years old, the most expensive portion of the child support years is almost over (i.e. daycare).

Oh no no no, it's called college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

I'm pretty sure that ship sailed in this scenario about four years ago?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep saying he's a good dad - this is not the kind of thing a good dad does to his family and the (original) mother of his children.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're not leaving him. This is going to mess up your kids in all sorts of ways, especially since you're basically condoning what he did for some crazy reason.

I completely understand. This is an emotional response very similar to what I had in the beginning.

Think of how the alternative will mess the kids up. Smaller house, less money, the disruption of a move, less time with them, less control over their lives. Their relationship with the half-sister will be poisoned because "she's the reason daddy left us." Their relationship with their dad poisoned because "daddy left us because he wanted another kid" or similar. There are no perfect options here.

He did a very bad thing. I'm not condoning it. But I don't have to let it disrupt my life and the life of my children either. I'm committed to minimizing its harm for my children and that's why I wanted to ask for advice for people who have been there. It doesn't sound like this is a common, though.

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

NP here but if the love child is four years old now presumably her husband is already paying support somehow or the OW is not interested in pursuing it. At four years old, the most expensive portion of the child support years is almost over (i.e. daycare).