Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, your dynamic sounds the same as I have with her. She is warm and charming, outgoing, life of the party. But very disorganized, terrible with deadlines and anything that requires planning. I try to tolerate that without nagging (for example, I let all those weeks go by with her not signing up for unemployment, until she finally realized that she was losing money every week that she didn't do it). I am happy to take over the finances in our relationship. She is terrible with money (more examples than I can list here).

I will stop sending her links, that seems to be the consensus here.

We were planning to move in together this summer, so part of me is thinking that she is just biding her time until that happens - then she won't have to worry about rent. But I do know that job hunting is hard and that five weeks is nothing when looking for a new job. I was hoping that she would at least reach out to her network, which is extensive.

OP, look.

You talk about moving in, you say she's your "soon to be wife" but it seems like you are doing all this thinking and assuming without actually talking to her about it. Last night, did you talk to her about it? Did you raise this concern with the one person who can shed light on what her actual emotional situation and plans are? It doesn't seem like it, or you would've mentioned that you had done. You can talk to her about it without saying she's "terrible with money" or talking about how she's "very disorganized." You can talk about it from a planning perspective as a young family. What does it mean for moving in together? Would you be moving to a new place together? What does it mean for her contributions to the rent? Do you plan to combine finances? How will that work? Just talk to HER. She's the only one who can answer these questions for you.

+1 You need to TALK to her. Note that you are naturally more inclined to take care of finances. She will probably agree. Say you would have liked to approach her earlier about unemployment but felt like you were intruding. Agree together that in the future, you will be more involved with her finances even if that means nagging to get things done.

Also let her know that you're concerned about her unemployment. You could couch it in terms of "I feel stressed. I can only imagine how you feel. What can I do to help?"

Maybe also agree on timelines. If she doesn't find something within 3 months of being fired, you'd like to get more involved. Maybe she'll say "OK, why not get involved now?" Or "No, this is my responsibility. Back off."

But you won't know until you TALK!

OP here. Thanks so much for this - I am inclined to use these exact phrases.

I have been reluctant to talk to her about any of this because 1) she is an adult and I don't want her to think I can't do this on her own, and 2) she is prone to depression so I am trying not to talk about it much at all. I am trying to take her mind off of it by taking her out to dinner, going to the movies, talking, all the things we normally enjoy. Even though we have talked about every topic under the sun, it is hard for me to bring up a lot of these things as I don't want her to further descend into a funk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, your dynamic sounds the same as I have with her. She is warm and charming, outgoing, life of the party. But very disorganized, terrible with deadlines and anything that requires planning. I try to tolerate that without nagging (for example, I let all those weeks go by with her not signing up for unemployment, until she finally realized that she was losing money every week that she didn't do it). I am happy to take over the finances in our relationship. She is terrible with money (more examples than I can list here).

I will stop sending her links, that seems to be the consensus here.

We were planning to move in together this summer, so part of me is thinking that she is just biding her time until that happens - then she won't have to worry about rent. But I do know that job hunting is hard and that five weeks is nothing when looking for a new job. I was hoping that she would at least reach out to her network, which is extensive.

OP, look.

You talk about moving in, you say she's your "soon to be wife" but it seems like you are doing all this thinking and assuming without actually talking to her about it. Last night, did you talk to her about it? Did you raise this concern with the one person who can shed light on what her actual emotional situation and plans are? It doesn't seem like it, or you would've mentioned that you had done. You can talk to her about it without saying she's "terrible with money" or talking about how she's "very disorganized." You can talk about it from a planning perspective as a young family. What does it mean for moving in together? Would you be moving to a new place together? What does it mean for her contributions to the rent? Do you plan to combine finances? How will that work? Just talk to HER. She's the only one who can answer these questions for you.

+1 You need to TALK to her. Note that you are naturally more inclined to take care of finances. She will probably agree. Say you would have liked to approach her earlier about unemployment but felt like you were intruding. Agree together that in the future, you will be more involved with her finances even if that means nagging to get things done.

Also let her know that you're concerned about her unemployment. You could couch it in terms of "I feel stressed. I can only imagine how you feel. What can I do to help?"

Maybe also agree on timelines. If she doesn't find something within 3 months of being fired, you'd like to get more involved. Maybe she'll say "OK, why not get involved now?" Or "No, this is my responsibility. Back off."

But you won't know until you TALK!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh & tell her she'll automatically lose weight, have a ton of energy from it & she'll stop feeling so guilty about starting a million projects & only completing them halfway before she moves onto something else.

Nobody likes to feel "less than" & ADHD/ADD definitely makes us feel "less than".

By the way, I inadvertently wrote I have ADHD, but I have ADD (damn you autocorrect!).

I'm exactly like your fiancee, personality plus, a million friends, warm, loving, caring, will give you the shirt off of our back, genuine & fun, but we're the creative type & not the analytical type. My husband is analytical & we mesh really well because of it, you hehe to decide if you do too.

Btw, you can see my ADD showing strong, three posts in a matter of 5 minutes, lol.

OP here. So that raises an interesting question - I think she probably does have ADD, but I'm not sure that she's aware of it. She no longer has health insurance (I think she is signing up for some sort of high-deductible plan on ACA) so right now would not be the time to investigate whether she has that. No idea how she would react to my bringing that up, even though I'm sure getting that treated would help her.

Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh & tell her she'll automatically lose weight, have a ton of energy from it & she'll stop feeling so guilty about starting a million projects & only completing them halfway before she moves onto something else.

Nobody likes to feel "less than" & ADHD/ADD definitely makes us feel "less than".

By the way, I inadvertently wrote I have ADHD, but I have ADD (damn you autocorrect!).

I'm exactly like your fiancee, personality plus, a million friends, warm, loving, caring, will give you the shirt off of our back, genuine & fun, but we're the creative type & not the analytical type. My husband is analytical & we mesh really well because of it, you hehe to decide if you do too.

Btw, you can see my ADD showing strong, three posts in a matter of 5 minutes, lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

You will.
I have inattentive ADHD & I'm the female version of this woman's husband.

My husband takes the brunt of the carpooling & anything else that requires a timeline. I am all over the nuturing role and this seems to work for us, as my husband has a stressful job & can't always be attentive to them.

However, you WILL always have to be the responsible one (bills, banking, etc). If this isn't what you want for your future, I wouldn't marry her.

The ONLY way she's going to start taking this seriously is if she gets a scare, like you not marrying her or losing her apartment (but then she'll just suggest moving in together since you're getting married anyway... watch out for that!).

We don't put things into high gear unless we're afraid of consequences... sorry, but it's true.

OP here, your dynamic sounds the same as I have with her. She is warm and charming, outgoing, life of the party. But very disorganized, terrible with deadlines and anything that requires planning. I try to tolerate that without nagging (for example, I let all those weeks go by with her not signing up for unemployment, until she finally realized that she was losing money every week that she didn't do it). I am happy to take over the finances in our relationship. She is terrible with money (more examples than I can list here).

I will stop sending her links, that seems to be the consensus here.

We were planning to move in together this summer, so part of me is thinking that she is just biding her time until that happens - then she won't have to worry about rent. But I do know that job hunting is hard and that five weeks is nothing when looking for a new job. I was hoping that she would at least reach out to her network, which is extensive.

OP, look.

You talk about moving in, you say she's your "soon to be wife" but it seems like you are doing all this thinking and assuming without actually talking to her about it. Last night, did you talk to her about it? Did you raise this concern with the one person who can shed light on what her actual emotional situation and plans are? It doesn't seem like it, or you would've mentioned that you had done. You can talk to her about it without saying she's "terrible with money" or talking about how she's "very disorganized." You can talk about it from a planning perspective as a young family. What does it mean for moving in together? Would you be moving to a new place together? What does it mean for her contributions to the rent? Do you plan to combine finances? How will that work? Just talk to HER. She's the only one who can answer these questions for you.

^^ Oh & tell her she'll automatically lose weight, have a ton of energy from it & she'll stop feeling so guilty about starting a million projects & only completing them halfway before she moves onto something else.

Nobody likes to feel "less than" & ADHD/ADD definitely makes us feel "less than".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

You will.
I have inattentive ADHD & I'm the female version of this woman's husband.

My husband takes the brunt of the carpooling & anything else that requires a timeline. I am all over the nuturing role and this seems to work for us, as my husband has a stressful job & can't always be attentive to them.

However, you WILL always have to be the responsible one (bills, banking, etc). If this isn't what you want for your future, I wouldn't marry her.

The ONLY way she's going to start taking this seriously is if she gets a scare, like you not marrying her or losing her apartment (but then she'll just suggest moving in together since you're getting married anyway... watch out for that!).

We don't put things into high gear unless we're afraid of consequences... sorry, but it's true.

OP here, your dynamic sounds the same as I have with her. She is warm and charming, outgoing, life of the party. But very disorganized, terrible with deadlines and anything that requires planning. I try to tolerate that without nagging (for example, I let all those weeks go by with her not signing up for unemployment, until she finally realized that she was losing money every week that she didn't do it). I am happy to take over the finances in our relationship. She is terrible with money (more examples than I can list here).

I will stop sending her links, that seems to be the consensus here.

We were planning to move in together this summer, so part of me is thinking that she is just biding her time until that happens - then she won't have to worry about rent. But I do know that job hunting is hard and that five weeks is nothing when looking for a new job. I was hoping that she would at least reach out to her network, which is extensive.

I'm the poster you quoted & I think you have your answer.

Tell her that there's no way that you can move in together until she gets a job, as you can't support you both on your income (even if you can, make it more about you won't ever be able to save for the wedding, a house, retirement, pay off debts, etc, if all of your income is going towards supporting you both). She'll find something much quicker this way, even if it's not her dream job she needs to get something... anything!

The longer she's without work, the harder it will be for her to go back... I promise you.

She should talk to her doctor & get him/her to prescribe her Adderall. It is a WONDER drug & I wouldn't be able to function in life without it. It could be the exact thing she needs to get her back on track & set you up for a much happier future.

OP, job searches can be overwhelming, and it's a long timeline. I'm glad you see that bombarding her with links isn't helping her get to the finish line

If she is disorganized and tends to procrastinate, she'll only succeed if she breaks it down into small tasks and can check off a few every day. that and helping her with a daily structured schedule are probably the two biggest things that will help as long as you don't nag on the back end

maybe start with having her make one initial contact phone call and send one email - once in the morning and once in the afternoon - every day. Then one follow up contact every day. Then either one request for an informational interview or one actual informational interview once a day. Get an app that lets you break down your day like this and help set it up with her

That might help you feel like she's getting some forward momentum and give her some actual constructive assistance without parenting the whole thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

You will.
I have inattentive ADHD & I'm the female version of this woman's husband.

My husband takes the brunt of the carpooling & anything else that requires a timeline. I am all over the nuturing role and this seems to work for us, as my husband has a stressful job & can't always be attentive to them.

However, you WILL always have to be the responsible one (bills, banking, etc). If this isn't what you want for your future, I wouldn't marry her.

The ONLY way she's going to start taking this seriously is if she gets a scare, like you not marrying her or losing her apartment (but then she'll just suggest moving in together since you're getting married anyway... watch out for that!).

We don't put things into high gear unless we're afraid of consequences... sorry, but it's true.

OP here, your dynamic sounds the same as I have with her. She is warm and charming, outgoing, life of the party. But very disorganized, terrible with deadlines and anything that requires planning. I try to tolerate that without nagging (for example, I let all those weeks go by with her not signing up for unemployment, until she finally realized that she was losing money every week that she didn't do it). I am happy to take over the finances in our relationship. She is terrible with money (more examples than I can list here).

I will stop sending her links, that seems to be the consensus here.

We were planning to move in together this summer, so part of me is thinking that she is just biding her time until that happens - then she won't have to worry about rent. But I do know that job hunting is hard and that five weeks is nothing when looking for a new job. I was hoping that she would at least reach out to her network, which is extensive.

I would try to talk to her to see what her plan is and try to nudge her into committing to a plan of action such as applying for X jobs per week. She might surprise you and maybe she's on top of this but you won't know until you ask. You're going to be married to this person, if she can't open up to you about something that affects your future together then I'd have second thoughts about her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my husband works, or rather procrastinates. He has ADHD, and that is pretty typical behavior for inattentive types. He is also late, forgetful, not very productive (albeit highly intelligent and he's hired to troubleshoot).

So, I suppose that's your girlfriend's personality. What other symptoms have you seen?

Honestly, that seems exactly like her.

She is a great person but I worry that if we marry, I will fall into a parenting role.

You will.
I have inattentive ADHD & I'm the female version of this woman's husband.

My husband takes the brunt of the carpooling & anything else that requires a timeline. I am all over the nuturing role and this seems to work for us, as my husband has a stressful job & can't always be attentive to them.

However, you WILL always have to be the responsible one (bills, banking, etc). If this isn't what you want for your future, I wouldn't marry her.

The ONLY way she's going to start taking this seriously is if she gets a scare, like you not marrying her or losing her apartment (but then she'll just suggest moving in together since you're getting married anyway... watch out for that!).

We don't put things into high gear unless we're afraid of consequences... sorry, but it's true.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a headhunter for high level executive search OP. Anytime someone I know is out of a job, Iwrite their resumes and voer letters for them. I even set up an email account for theim to use just for job hunting.

Just ask your GF what help she needs OP. Maybe you could get her Unemployment Comp for her online (some states are making it easy now). You could go with her to the office.

I have found in life that when people are hurting they need actual handholding to get them moving. Be nice and help her. You sound nice actually. Good luck

This is off topic, but can you recommend a head hunter for someone who is looking for a job under the human resources umbrella (not executive leadership though)? This would be in the D.C. area.

How much savings does she have? Are her parents well off that she can ask them for rent money? Why did she get fired? Are you willing to support her forever even if she never finds a job?

Agree with PP. Need to think of this as a hurdle and decide if it is one you want to jump over.

Life has stages and sometimes those stages mean someone has to not work for a bit. I'm currently loosely PT because of a SN kid. Most friends have been unemployed for one reason or another.

It sounds like she is trying, and a bit sad, and that's ok.

Maybe she's not to stressed because she's hoping you'll take care of her as her (future) husband. I think losing a job is really tough emotionally. Give her time. I do agree with you about the unemployment though. Wasteful.