AdamGamecock wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Man here. It was a manipulative game and he had no idea it was even happening. Men don't care about the house being clean or the relatives all in on a 5 year old birthday party. That's the woman's world view and priority. Men are just as happy walking around a cluttered house eating food on a napkin with a toothpick. They figure you are having a great time buzzing around creating your ideallic stereotyped environment and that it brings you so much pleasure, you are ok with not having sex. You are never going to get him to happily join in on the fetish he doesn't really care about. He figures he works his ass off in big law which is a royal pain in the ass making big money and he needs downtime to continue competing. He innately senses many women would kill to have him provide and foolishly believes some of them may not be so non verbally manipulative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

Anonymous wrote:From a man: OP, I hate to tell you this but if he knew that you wanted sex and then watched you do all of the housework...then he didn't want to have sex with you.

If my wife texted me about having sex tonight, I would make sure that I did everything in my power to "clear the path" to the bedroom and make sure that she wasn't stressed out.

That is the story of my life. But my H would rather get out of chores than have sex, sorry to say. He also prefers watching TV to coming to bed with me. His loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

As a man, that certainly sounds like sabotage. You were testing him and he called your bluff. How long do you plan to continue this game?

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Bingo! This was more of a "test" or "game". He chose not to play and I can't blame him. Communicate directly with men. Don't hint or beat around the bush.

Actually, I'm curious as to how often you guys have sex. I mean ... if this was happening regularly this probably wouldn't be a big deal. I wanted to have sex, but, whatever, missed it last night. We'll try again tonight or tomorrow or Saturday.

However, if you aren't having frequent (weekly, at least) sex, if this was a big deal for you to feel like you wanted sex ... it takes on more of a life of its own. You and spouse both want the other to initiate and prove that you WANT the other.

Have you been refusing sex? Has he been refusing sex? did you or he have an affair? Do either of you initiate regularly?

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

Yes, I could have dropped everything and initiated with him, so that I would continue to do all those things myself afterward and he could just go to sleep. I've done that before. Larger problem, to me, is he isn't initiating chores on his own to split the work more equitably, thereby helping us to have that quality time. I'm not intending to 100% of fault on any one person or circumstance.

But yes it is a fact of life that before the cleaners come, the toys and books and clutter has to be picked up and put away.

Here's the thing op. You KNOW he doesn't initiate the cleaning so why are you suddenly Surprised? Be more direct...

"Dh, dd and I have to call my parents/brother for her bday. Can you pick up the toys and stuff for the cleaners tomorrow? Don't forget *wink wink* gotta get this stuff done now so we can go to bed early *wink wink*"

You guys seem to be having problems. But you can't expect things to change without making some changes on your end too.

I don't feel surprised, just tired of the same old problem, and tired of talking about the same old problem with him. I think I do a pretty good job of communicating our issues, but I think I need to work on communicating when there ISNT an acute issue, if that makes sense.

Thanks to all for the suggestions on how to approach.

Anonymous wrote:You have an excuse for everything. EVERYTHING.

My intention is to give context, but yes I see how it can excuse the circumstances too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At any point yesterday, did he know that you were interested in sex?

Yes, texted him.

Yes, you said that in your follow-up post. Sorry.
You remind me of myself a little. I'll feel like I'm taking a big risk and put it out there that I want sex. And then I expect miracles to happen--spouse to remember, take care of the little chores, etc. Instead, I need to follow-up with a quick reminder. So for you, it might have been as you were finishing dinner, "So any thoughts about the text I sent? If you get the recycling, I'll start the laundry and meet you upstairs in 10 minutes." Or it could have been when you got home: "Honey, you take the kids to bed, I'll get the clean-up done and meet you at 9:30pm. It's a date."

Thank you, yes looking back I think I did feel like I was putting myself out there somewhat, and then expected more initiative on his part to open up the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

Yes, I could have dropped everything and initiated with him, so that I would continue to do all those things myself afterward and he could just go to sleep. I've done that before. Larger problem, to me, is he isn't initiating chores on his own to split the work more equitably, thereby helping us to have that quality time. I'm not intending to 100% of fault on any one person or circumstance.

But yes it is a fact of life that before the cleaners come, the toys and books and clutter has to be picked up and put away.

Here's the thing op. You KNOW he doesn't initiate the cleaning so why are you suddenly Surprised? Be more direct...

"Dh, dd and I have to call my parents/brother for her bday. Can you pick up the toys and stuff for the cleaners tomorrow? Don't forget *wink wink* gotta get this stuff done now so we can go to bed early *wink wink*"

You guys seem to be having problems. But you can't expect things to change without making some changes on your end too.

Anonymous wrote:This post isn't about sex but the division of chores and you are doing too much. How did you even find the energy for laundry on top of everything else? Try to do less and let him pick up the slack.

Way to feed into the martyr narrative.

From a man: OP, I hate to tell you this but if he knew that you wanted sex and then watched you do all of the housework...then he didn't want to have sex with you.

If my wife texted me about having sex tonight, I would make sure that I did everything in my power to "clear the path" to the bedroom and make sure that she wasn't stressed out.

This post isn't about sex but the division of chores and you are doing too much. How did you even find the energy for laundry on top of everything else? Try to do less and let him pick up the slack.