Anonymous
04/20/2017 21:54
Subject: Re:Frustrated with DH never doing what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:[raises hand] DH is the same and I have also personally diagnosed him as ADD, etc. Now that I realize this may be more common that I thought....
Alternative idea for discussion: Rather than an epidemic of ADD amount adult men, could this rather be the insidious side effects of misogyny? If women do this sort of thing they are seen as flaky and unreliable which makes them a) unmarriable and b) a bad employee. Men get away with it in the workplace all the time with simple explanations like "I didn't get to that yet" or similar. Maybe as women we were trained by cultural norms and pressures our male partners didn't grow up with? Just a thought...
As I expressed above, this is misogyny indeed, because they can, because people find excuses, because men are "not supposed to" clean and take care. because woman act like he is doing them a favor. I am not a feminist, I am just a woman who knows bs when she sees it, and yes in my own DH too. How fast he cleans when I just don't, you'd be amazed.
He developed this habit from his parents. He was told to "study and get good grades" and his mother magically did everything else for him- clean, schedule, food, plan, pick up after him, maintain his car, pay his bills, do his taxes, etc. He would be the first to go in survival island. If he could even find it in the first place.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 21:46
Subject: Frustrated with DH never doing what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't know about your husband, but mine has always been like this and it stems from pretty significant ADHD, which he is now only beginning to treat (at 55 years old).
ADHD is a dis-regulation of attention,which means that patients have a higher than normal propensity to tardy, disorganized and bored, as well as a higher than normal capacity to focus on things that are particularly interesting to them.
It is eminently treatable. For some it just takes more than half a lifetime to admit they have it
So, in other words you're going to treat the 'talent' and basic personality right out of the guy at 55 years of age so that he can do crap for you around the house? With an army of female therapists I'm sure. Sounds like a horror movie.
It's called LIFE. life is not "do one thing 24/7" and do everything else half-assed or hope mommy does it for you.
But you can Elon musk it and ADD your way though life. The only way you'll make it is if you're making bank. Because then your wife and kids you ignore and have no real relationship with can outsource more and go off on their own and have an actual life. You can tag along at a few of their sports games, vacations, and life events while you kiss ass to your work network. Winner!!
Anonymous
04/20/2017 21:41
Subject: Frustrated with DH never doing what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he is truly apologetic and you think he has good intentions, maybe he has ADHD. He reminds me a lot of my husband. We have a similar system to PP where he has a lot of set tasks he does every day, while I handle more unpredictable stuff. Also, LISTS. Lists everywhere.
Can't really help you with the not being home when he says he will thing, though. That makes me wonder if he is just avoiding chores at home...
I do believe he is sorry and has good intentions. I don't think he has ADHD at all. He actually has laser focus...for work. I do think a set of tasks with a list could help though.
Laser focus on one thing, oblivious to everything else? Classic ADHD! I think you might be getting your answer, OP. Can you gently bring this up with him?
I'm the first PP being quoted here - my DH can sit and work on his hobby for hours and hours (meanwhile tuning out everything else going on around him). It's like it takes all his mental energy to focus on the thing he actually wants to focus on, there's no attention left for anything else.
Buckle up if you want a lifetime of an ADHD manchild. It's an insulting way to live even on a daily basis, as you can never count on him.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 21:39
Subject: Re:Frustrated with DH never doing what he says
Anonymous wrote:Unless he is making a ton of money and measures success on that basis you have a problem. Even if he does measure success that way you have a problem. Why not ask him what the F is life all about?
Agree.
Sit down w a third party and develop your family values, priorities and what kind of father, head of the household and husband he wants to be. He may have shit expectations of life with children.
Check into ADHD as well. Smartphones and certain work cultures perpetuate this. And many men are people pleasers at the office but no where else.
Finally, figure out fast how the household he grew up in was run. Did father do nil and mother did everything and enabled everyone? Time for the 21st century.