Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By "Grandparents" - - are these parents of you/DH or actual Grandparents for you? If they are parents you should travel to see them - I don't care how far away they live - once a year at least - regardless of how many times/or how easy it is for them to visit you.

They are my in-laws and my DH's parents. My DH does not like them, and I do not like them either, so that maybe provides a gloss to my question. They were physically abusive to him when he was growing up. They have not ever apologized or tried to make amends, and instead act like nothing ever happened -- it gets under my DH's skin. But I still feel like it's good for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Not with those grandparents. They abused your husband. They are unapologetic about it. They continue to harm the kids' father and you think it's good for the kids to have a relationship with them?

WTF is wrong with you? Are you so caught up in your narcissistic fantasy about what family life should look like that you can't take time out to protect your children and support your husband?

I do use vacation to see Grandparents but I also resent that these retired relatives pressure me about it instead of visiting. And it's not a money issue for them either, and they are all in good health.

I would be nice if there was some reciprocity. Nope.

Of course you visit them in Quebec. They want their friends to see their grandchildren. Also, your children will mimic you behavior when they are grown and if you do not visit grandparents, they won't visit you.

Anonymous wrote:We have a 2.5 year old and an infant. One set of grandparents lives far away (Quebec) and they are retired. The other set lives a 20-minute drive away. The Quebec grandparents know that they are always welcome to visit, and we have a downstairs guest room and bathroom that they've used when they visit (usually once or twice a year). But Quebec grandparents are constantly harassing us to come to Quebec and see them. I work full time at a law firm and am lucky to get a week off the whole year (and usually I have to work part of the time during that week). DH's schedule is similar.

Do people really use the little vacation time that they have to go see grandparents? I'm trying to figure out whether I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to schlep the whole family to Quebec, when they could just come here literally any time they like. In fact, I would happily pay for their plane tickets (even though they are loaded). Advice?

My parents were in coastal NC and we made the trip to see them about 3 times a year from birth to teenagerhood (and subsequent death o fmy parents). They visited us once to our three to them. I wanted them to come more frequently, but in the end I wanted my children to know their grandparents, so I put in the effort. FaceTime was a great invention and helped the relationship once formed continue.

I'm in the same position as your DH: don't get along with my parents, they live in another country, despite resources and lots of free time, they rarely ever fly to see us.

Let him make the decision about how often to see them. Tell him you'll support whatever he decides, but it's HIS call.

This is a big issue for us, and most of the grandparents are hacked that we don't visit more often. DH's parents live about 5 1/2 hours away, and we saw them four times last year. MIL was battling cancer, so we made an effort to go as often as we could. This year we haven't visited yet and probably won't until we meet half way for a vacation in June. I know they're upset with us, but we spent most of the major holidays with them last year. My folks are divorced and leave about 2 hours away from each other in Florida. Due to a falling out I haven't seen my dad in over a year and a half. My mom, on the other hand, is the only person who ever visits. She flies to visit us every few months and we meet her and my stepfather for a camping trip twice a year. I know that the families are upset that we don't make a bigger effort, but time spent with most of them is incredibly unpleasant.

The parental relationship is a hard one to break. My parents were more neglectful than abusive, but it's only now that I'm an adult (and a parent) that I see how terrible my childhood was. Some of that was a byproduct of stress and poor coping skills on their part. Some of it was just them both putting their careers above everything else and being oblivious.

Now they are more settled in life and act like completely different people. They're always talking about the importance of family and trying to get me to come visit them with the kids. These are people who had family dinner with me maybe 5 times a year (including holidays) and took me to see extended family twice in my entire childhood!

This new attitude is strange because we have no foundation to build on. Also, with young kids I am super busy and I do not want to spend my limited vacation time visiting them. So, I tell them they're welcome to come visit us, but I haven't gone to visit them yet. I feel no guilt about this - and you shouldn't either OP.

Anonymous wrote:England, every other year we go. Jet lag w young kids sux, twice!

For more color they visit us every 9mos for a few weeks a pop. The other set of grandparents are in Chicago and we go there 1-2x a year, Xmas and maybe a summer week. That set visits is one or two long weekends a year and gifts us a beach vacation each year with them (and siblings family, ideally we can all go at the same time!).

England, every other year we go. Jet lag w young kids sux, twice!

1. How do you work at a job where you only get one week off a year, and you have to work that week? You seriously should look for a new job

2. Older people, while they have lots of time, often find it difficult to leave their "comfort zone" and go to new places. It may seem like they can come see you whenever you want, but to them it may seem impossibly difficult. They may also not feel welcome in your home. They also forget what it is like to have young children and see you all as young and able to get around easily, so it makes sense to them that you should come to them

3. My parents *never* come visit me, despite invitations, and will not stay in my home. I do not understand it. I go to see them with the kids 2 to 3 times a year, usually for 3 day weekends.

You should definitely visit them at least once a year even if just for a long weekend. Three days with young kids is plenty of time for grand parents. For 20 years we lived a long distance from my kids grandparents and we would visit at least once a year. Yes, most of our vacation time was eaten up by these trips but it was very important for my kids to really know their grandparents. My parents have both passed away but my kids have wonderful memories. Both my DW and I worked full time at demanding jobs but we made visiting family a priority and we are happy we did.

I am a teacher and my MIL wants us to spend every break with her, whether it's us going there or her coming here. My parents live locally, and she feels jealous that they get to see our kids so frequently. She gets annoyed when we make plans other than seeing her. We now limit to three times per year so that we can spend our breaks in other ways. She usually comes to us twice per year and we go there once per year. Sometimes we meet in the middle at another relative's house.

PP above, forgot to add. Due to the paid leave, only once a year (twice a year at most) for now. Once, our kid turns 5 year old, we could technically send on a non-stop direct flight as "unaccompanied minor" on the international flight. I don't think we will start at the stroke of 5 yr birthday, but when bit older like close to 7 yr old, we will probably send our kid ahead of us (meeting our kid in the home country later) so we can both save our paid leave.

Both set of grandparents live door-to-door 23 hr (includes 14 hr one-way international flight) from us and so are all of our siblings including cousins to our child. It was super difficult when our kid was under 3yr old. Now, 4 and half year old, flight is so much better (can watch screen a long time, can play with iPad, etc.). Our kid learned the joy of spending time with grandparents/cousins on our last trip home even more so than before. So, hoping to continue visiting our families oversea. To do that, save save save now.....

My ILs are at least 7 hours away by car (more if you have little kids and need to stop for bathroom breaks, etc) and my dad is more than 15 hours away by plane. My ILs also have a lot of family close by so they tend to drive into DC about 2 to 3 times a year. Fortunately, we don't host them as my MIL is really awful. We have gone up twice since my oldest was born. On the first visit, my ILs refused to turn up the heat, and my DH forgot to use the thick sleep sack I brought up on the 2nd night of our stay. The next morning DC's face, hands, and feet was ice cold. We have not stayed overnight since. We stopped by for a visit, but slept some where else. My dad has been invited but didn't bother to come when he last visited state side. He stayed with his wife's (my mom is deceased) family a few hours away. It's too expensive to fly all that way, but it's really the idea of trying to wrangle 2 young kids for more than 15 hours on an overseas flight and dealing with extreme jet lag for the kids. Since he won't come to us, we'll probably try to meet up with him some where in between. I am saving money/miles to do that and waiting for kids to get a bit older also.