OP, I would advise that you need to focus on what you can control. It's hard because I know you have been trying to make it work with the ILs, but just disengage emotionally. Don't participate in their dysfunction. Just imagine if you were at work and people in your department behaved like them. What would you do? You can still smile and be polite during very limited interactions, but just draw the line there. I can't tell you how much better things have been for me and DH when I stopped trying to be the peacemaker and people-pleaser. I leave everything that relates to the ILs up to DH now - organizing events with his parents, buying presents and cards, etc. I never hang out with ILs alone. Ever.

Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate it. My husband is hispanic, but I am tired of using the "it's a cultural difference" excuse. No, most of their behavior is not a "cultural difference"...it is plain passive aggressiveness or outright rudeness.
My husband did come with me to one session of couple's counseling. I think we need one million sessions of couple's counseling....I'm glad he went to one, but during the session he says all the things he knows he needs to say or do, and then when he turns around and sees his family he goes back into the role.
For example, the NEXT DAY after the therapy session, he said "oh, let's invite my dad over and he can come with us to the kid's school to participate!"
WHAT?! Do you live in denial?!!?!

So... how does he react when you bring up all the past events? Can you keep a journal so that all the dates and incidents and who said what are recorded somewhere? That's important when talking to your spouse.

You don't need to cater to anybody, invite anybody you don't like, acquiesce to anything that makes you uncomfortable, OP. And every time you say no, say very clearly and directly WHY, even if there are other people present to hear you. That's the last step before separation, and will force your husband to confront the real issues.

Anonymous wrote:Stop going to family events entirely. Send your DH and the kids. If DH can't take the kids, the kids don't go. Remove yourself from them as much as possible.

They already talk shit about you and don't like you. So who cares if they think this is drastic? At least you won't need to see them.

Counseling. Go solo if your DH won't go too.

Also, think about how much energy that will free up. Pour that into your family! Be happy and share the joy and sense of freedom with your children! Just don't connect with DH's extended fam. I believe in winning if you can. Once I learn there's just no way to win, I figure what's the point? Girl, you cannot win. No matter what you do. So, spare yourself all that drama and stress. Imagine waking up without the fear of what new brand of heartache is headed your way. Glory!! Not letting you use the bathroom?!!! Don't worry about what they say to DH or your children. They will see the truth of you as you become calmer and more playful. Definitely keep a steady stream of sex going for DH, and watch it all fade. He'll report back all your sins at first. Just smile and keep being your beautiful, free self. Never, ever complain.

"Everyone asked why you weren't at the party!!!"
"I can't imagine I was missed, but it's so sweet of you to say so. [Insert long, promising kiss.] Can't wait for the kids to go to sleep. [Smile and tug on his pants.]"

They sound like horrible people, a gang of bullies. Kill em with kindness, toward DH and the kiddos. You'll be fine once it's accepted as the new norm, with all the bonuses that come with having a happy mother and wife at home.