The problem is your parents. You're not responsible for them. Your own household can thrive on your incomes but you need to let them be the adults they're supposed to be.

No, but it should have.

I went on 4 dates with a woman when we were in law school. On the fourth date she told me that she wanted to SAHM. I told her that while I appreciated her honesty, I could not move forward with our relationship knowing her motives. I have not spoken to her since she dropped out.

Yes, my husband's earning potential was a huge factor for me. I met and married him during his cardiology residency. At that time he made 50k and had another 50k in debt for buying luxury clothes too small that he ended up discarding. No savings, no family money.

After residency he passed his exams only after years of trying, so he was unemployed or underemployed for years. Then he couldn't stick around at any job for even a year.

It's been a struggle and constant careening from one crisis to another. Result: financial insecurity.

I worked part-time after having kids and needed to go back full-time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone responding right now is being holier than thou, yet there is a weekly post on here about how a DW is so aggrieved bc her DH is not the provider she had hoped for bc he only makes 100k and that doesn't allow her to be a SAHM or hire help.

Let's be real OP -- you need to think hard about it before you officially commit. How old are you and fiancé? Is he making 90k bc he is a public school teacher or social worker or some non profit do gooder and has basically maxed out? Or is he making 90k bc he is just starting out as a management consultant or federal law clerk and there's room for upward growth? Do you want to be a SAHM at any point? His feelings on that - esp if his income doesn't grow? Is he from this area? Would he ever be open to leaving the area if you feel that 140k isn't buying the lifestyle you want? Is he employable in other areas or is he in one of those DC specific policy jobs? I'd think hard about these things before the I do.

It's true. For some reason earning potential seems to be taboo to talk about when looking for a mate. The truth is that it is important. For some it's more important than for others, but money has a way of impacting all other facets of life.

I think DH being a provider doesn't mean he is wealthy. You can be a SAHM with a spouse in the military. You can be a provider at different income levels, there is just a difference in tradeoffs I.e. Living further out, renting vs buying, being able to outsource etc. Also, I am not sure yet how many woman are comfortable in the role of being the provider I.e. husband is a SAHD or have the pressure of her salary keeping the household going. So in a sense money is important but that doesn't mean you are marrying someone with lots of money. It could mean you are marrying someone that is hardworking, good with the money that he has, has few financial liabilities and that you aren't supporting him. So there could be one guy making 90K where all those things are true but another guy making 90K where those things aren't true.

To the OP, the lack of savings making 90K and the financial support to the parents would be the question marks. I had a lot of financial instability growing up so financial stability is important to me. I'm not saying kick him to the curb, I would just need to know that we could be on the same page financially. What are our goals - it was important for me to own a home and for it to be someplace where we wouldn't be moving every few years to find something better. If we both have that same goal, what are we BOTH doing to make that happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone responding right now is being holier than thou, yet there is a weekly post on here about how a DW is so aggrieved bc her DH is not the provider she had hoped for bc he only makes 100k and that doesn't allow her to be a SAHM or hire help.

Let's be real OP -- you need to think hard about it before you officially commit. How old are you and fiancé? Is he making 90k bc he is a public school teacher or social worker or some non profit do gooder and has basically maxed out? Or is he making 90k bc he is just starting out as a management consultant or federal law clerk and there's room for upward growth? Do you want to be a SAHM at any point? His feelings on that - esp if his income doesn't grow? Is he from this area? Would he ever be open to leaving the area if you feel that 140k isn't buying the lifestyle you want? Is he employable in other areas or is he in one of those DC specific policy jobs? I'd think hard about these things before the I do.

It's true. For some reason earning potential seems to be taboo to talk about when looking for a mate. The truth is that it is important. For some it's more important than for others, but money has a way of impacting all other facets of life.

I personally wouldn't find it distasteful early on in the dating process. If a woman wants to focus on men who have a certain earning potential, I call that smart. However, what makes me roll my eyes is when this becomes something they start to think about way down the line (sometimes even after engagement). At that point it seems a lot nastier and more mercenary because the woman is considering throwing out a person she's developed a relationship with, and it also suggest stupidity (you couldn't predict this, sweetheart?). It's a lot different than being selective up front in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I guess technically it factored in in that it was important to me to marry someone who was educated and had a reasonable career forecast. He's a fed who will soon max out at under $150K so it's not as if I have any expectations to not have to work myself or have untold luxuries. But it seems just fine to me.

PP here. Just remembered that the last BF I had before meeting DH had significant family money. But I just didn't like him that much in the end, so it didn't last. No regrets.

I mean, I guess technically it factored in in that it was important to me to marry someone who was educated and had a reasonable career forecast. He's a fed who will soon max out at under $150K so it's not as if I have any expectations to not have to work myself or have untold luxuries. But it seems just fine to me.

OP grow up and earn more money. You're a hypocrite when you make significantly less than your partner.

No, I left an ex BF who made considerably more than my now DH. I don't regret it for a second.

Anonymous wrote:Did the financial status of your husband or lack thereof have anything to do with your decision to marry him?

I am engaged to a lovely, hard working honest decent man from a middle class background. His parents are broke and will need support. My parents are broke and I already support them.

My fiancé earns 90k. I earn 50k.

I am not sure how much more he will earn. He has no savings, I have about 20k in savings. I love him and we are a good team however, I know upon marriage I will never be financially comfortable.

I look at girls I know who married money. They seem happy and comfortable. Its hard to be the only "poor" one out.

Outside of some extenuating circumstances there is no excuse for being broke making that kind of money.

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone responding right now is being holier than thou, yet there is a weekly post on here about how a DW is so aggrieved bc her DH is not the provider she had hoped for bc he only makes 100k and that doesn't allow her to be a SAHM or hire help.

Let's be real OP -- you need to think hard about it before you officially commit. How old are you and fiancé? Is he making 90k bc he is a public school teacher or social worker or some non profit do gooder and has basically maxed out? Or is he making 90k bc he is just starting out as a management consultant or federal law clerk and there's room for upward growth? Do you want to be a SAHM at any point? His feelings on that - esp if his income doesn't grow? Is he from this area? Would he ever be open to leaving the area if you feel that 140k isn't buying the lifestyle you want? Is he employable in other areas or is he in one of those DC specific policy jobs? I'd think hard about these things before the I do.

It's true. For some reason earning potential seems to be taboo to talk about when looking for a mate. The truth is that it is important. For some it's more important than for others, but money has a way of impacting all other facets of life.

I love how everyone responding right now is being holier than thou, yet there is a weekly post on here about how a DW is so aggrieved bc her DH is not the provider she had hoped for bc he only makes 100k and that doesn't allow her to be a SAHM or hire help.

Let's be real OP -- you need to think hard about it before you officially commit. How old are you and fiancé? Is he making 90k bc he is a public school teacher or social worker or some non profit do gooder and has basically maxed out? Or is he making 90k bc he is just starting out as a management consultant or federal law clerk and there's room for upward growth? Do you want to be a SAHM at any point? His feelings on that - esp if his income doesn't grow? Is he from this area? Would he ever be open to leaving the area if you feel that 140k isn't buying the lifestyle you want? Is he employable in other areas or is he in one of those DC specific policy jobs? I'd think hard about these things before the I do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess none of us would marry another person who is a slacker. It is always a consideration what kind of life you will be able to have together.

In your situation, I would expect that you complain if you earn $250k and your fiancé $90k. If you earn so little, do not expect to marry a wealthy guy. The rich also want to marry rich.

My fiancé is not a slacker at all! He works a lot and takes his professional life very seriously. I am comparing my situation to my friends who were legal assistants and customer service reps before they married wealthy men and have gone the SAHM route. Now they talk to me about their houses and financial planners. I feel left out and sort of annoyed.

Are your friends hotter than you? The number of potential rich eligible men isn't that high. Unless you're peaking at a 9/10 or a 10/10 with no prior baggage don't hedge your bets on pulling this uber-wealthy stunning bachelor.

If you consider yourself a 9/10 what do other people consider you? Also, men that wealthy aren't stupid. If you're out for money and have nothing to offer there's no incentive for them to commit. When you get successful everything because a game of averages and return on investment. This includes marriages.

Anonymous wrote:Poverty can lead to divorce.

So does wealth honey!!!