Anonymous
Post 03/23/2017 16:10     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
You can use reverse psychology to make this stop. You KNOW how he's going to react to things He's not going to change. Use that against him.

My dh used to make really hurtful sarcastic comments to me. I tried everything to get him to stop. What finally worked was acting like he was making a joke. I laughed and pretended he was so witty. It was hard, but after I did it consistently a few times, the sarcastic comments ended.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 20:22     Subject: Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:Here's a possible flip side. She goes on and on about some idea all the time. He tells her privately that it won't work or he doesn't agree with her. But still she persists.

Then theyre out in public and she says the same old thing. He's had enough and thinks "fine. You want to discuss it in public, let's discuss it in public" And speaks freely.

She interprets it as not supporting her. He thinks "she knows my opinion and provoked me by trying to back me into a corner just because other people are around. "

Id need to know more. OP, are you nagging him about something and you know it's a sore subject?



Say what?
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 18:39     Subject: Spouse never on my side
Here's a possible flip side. She goes on and on about some idea all the time. He tells her privately that it won't work or he doesn't agree with her. But still she persists.

Then theyre out in public and she says the same old thing. He's had enough and thinks "fine. You want to discuss it in public, let's discuss it in public" And speaks freely.

She interprets it as not supporting her. He thinks "she knows my opinion and provoked me by trying to back me into a corner just because other people are around. "

Id need to know more. OP, are you nagging him about something and you know it's a sore subject?

Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 17:06     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.


OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.


Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.


That's a great idea, many things you can do. Yes I learned years ago most things aren't worth arguing about. You can pretend to be busy and walk into another room. That does work. He wants to nit pick, get a glass of wine and watch your favorite show away from him. Take a long bath even. My friend and I go to Vegas once a year for a "girls" get away.


Best advice here. Make your own space for happiness and sanity. Ignore the grimy nit-pickers.[/quote]

+1

Amen to that. Grimy nit pickers are NEVER happy, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 17:03     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"


Not true.

It makes BOTH of them look bad. He looks like a jerk for putting her down publicly and she looks like a doormat for staying married to a jerk. It reflects badly on both of them.


I wouldn't take that lying down. If he won't stop the public put downs... embarrassing him might put a end to it.
She's saying she's tired and overworked and he's telling her relatives it's b.s. I would say, "honey maybe you should get a f/t job that has a real income and see what I'm talking about". He keeps doing it because she's allowing it to some degree, and OP knows this. One step at a time, but yes it's using good psychology. And most importantly backing up your words with actions.


+1

He sounds like he deserves this, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:59     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"


Not true.

It makes BOTH of them look bad. He looks like a jerk for putting her down publicly and she looks like a doormat for staying married to a jerk. It reflects badly on both of them.


People get it. My bil was like this, did the same thing. They didn't talk about her, BUT what a A he is. He's dead now and they still talk about him. She worked a lot and hated her job but made all the income. He decided how they would spend it and tried to control it. After he had his stroke and was home he was still controlling and she allowed it. Sad situation, but finally she is happy, but a lot of it was her unwillingness to address it and take control.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:55     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:Op, the examples you give sound more like your DH is spoiling/coddling your kids rather than undermining you. there may be a lot more examples that don't involve your kids, but at least from what you posted it just sounds like he errs on the side of letting them have everything. Not that I think it's good, but I sometimes do that without thinking "let them have the computer/tv/clean rooms over me or my spouse" and I can see how that could seem like it's undermining you when really it's just about putting the kids first.


I don't think that it is putting the kids first to let them have everything and abstain from teaching them basic life skills.

Everyone in the family needs to have some house responsibilities. Kids cleaning their own rooms and bathroom is a very basic minimum. Same with doing laundry. Part of parenting means teaching these basic life skills and it also means being a good role model for your children. They are getting a very warped message of what it means to be a family from growing up with this dynamic. This is especially harmful if OP has a daughter. Do you really want your daughter to normalize that being a mother means you work all the time and never take care of yourself? That you never stand up for yourself? Really?
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:55     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Have the maid come twice a week! If you work 60+ hours a week and your husband works you can afford it. No excuses! And get your kids and husband to do their own damn laundry. Stop whining and take charge.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:54     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"


Not true.

It makes BOTH of them look bad. He looks like a jerk for putting her down publicly and she looks like a doormat for staying married to a jerk. It reflects badly on both of them.


I wouldn't take that lying down. If he won't stop the public put downs... embarrassing him might put a end to it.
She's saying she's tired and overworked and he's telling her relatives it's b.s. I would say, "honey maybe you should get a f/t job that has a real income and see what I'm talking about". He keeps doing it because she's allowing it to some degree, and OP knows this. One step at a time, but yes it's using good psychology. And most importantly backing up your words with actions.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:48     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"


Not true.

It makes BOTH of them look bad. He looks like a jerk for putting her down publicly and she looks like a doormat for staying married to a jerk. It reflects badly on both of them.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:38     Subject: Re:Spouse never on my side
Op, the examples you give sound more like your DH is spoiling/coddling your kids rather than undermining you. there may be a lot more examples that don't involve your kids, but at least from what you posted it just sounds like he errs on the side of letting them have everything. Not that I think it's good, but I sometimes do that without thinking "let them have the computer/tv/clean rooms over me or my spouse" and I can see how that could seem like it's undermining you when really it's just about putting the kids first.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:30     Subject: Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Take your laundry to wash and fold.

Or do your plan, but stop doing anyone else's laundry in any way.

I think the person paying the maid should get the most benefit from her services, so the kids lose out on the priority list. I would also say that since this doesn't affect your husband at all (he isn't going to end up with less service or more chores), just ignore him and redirect her.

+1 Why does he care? The teens are too busy to do chores and have a hard life? Give me a freaking break. Either the kids are spoiled brats or DH is fishing for excuses to say no to OP.


Instead of parenting together, the dh is purposely undermining her. I would pull him aside and talk about team work. He needs to get on board especially in regard to the kids. Yes the kids too would get a wake up call which would make them better individuals in the long run.

If she's done all this then I can tell you if it were me he'd see some BIG behavior changes that might be disturbing.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:24     Subject: Spouse never on my side
Anonymous wrote:Take your laundry to wash and fold.

Or do your plan, but stop doing anyone else's laundry in any way.

I think the person paying the maid should get the most benefit from her services, so the kids lose out on the priority list. I would also say that since this doesn't affect your husband at all (he isn't going to end up with less service or more chores), just ignore him and redirect her.

+1 Why does he care? The teens are too busy to do chores and have a hard life? Give me a freaking break. Either the kids are spoiled brats or DH is fishing for excuses to say no to OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2017 16:05     Subject: Spouse never on my side
So the laundry issue is really that you see a pile of your own laundry and don't want to fold it? Well, then don't. Get a laundry basket pile it into the basket and call it a day. Or get a new maid. One who will fold laundry for the same price you pay your current maid or less.

Have your kids go through their rooms one day a week to remove trash and pick up any dirty clothes. Make a rule no food in the room.