Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I sometimes feel like with all the emphasis on "just having fun" and not on winning, it takes away the reward and goal. And why would you keep working hard at something that doesn't have some kind of awesome reward other than "just having fun"?

Why? Because it's fun.

Now there certainly are people who can only have fun if there are winners (and losers), and for them, this idea may be difficult to understand. Conversely, I find it difficult to understand the idea that it's only fun if there are winners (and losers). Indeed, I usually think that it's NOT fun if there are winners (and losers).

Anonymous wrote:

I sometimes feel like with all the emphasis on "just having fun" and not on winning, it takes away the reward and goal. And why would you keep working hard at something that doesn't have some kind of awesome reward other than "just having fun"?

Why? Because it's fun.

Now there certainly are people who can only have fun if there are winners (and losers), and for them, this idea may be difficult to understand. Conversely, I find it difficult to understand the idea that it's only fun if there are winners (and losers). Indeed, I usually think that it's NOT fun if there are winners (and losers).

Kids are funny at that age about what they choose to tell you and what they don't.

My DD did skating and soccer in middle school and seemed to love both. And then she no longer wanted to do them and was immovable. As it turned out she had developed the beginnings of asthma and an autoimmune condition that made both very difficult. Not that she told me that at the time--and it took quite some time for it to become bad enough she felt she had to tell me about the physical difficulties. Don't know if this is the case for OP's DD, but it is something to consider.

When she quit her sports, I just accepted it and let her do her thing in high school. I knew some of it like actively organizing protests and math tutoring, but some of it I didn't find out about until much later (she is in college) like working as a stagehand on various plays and going to the community center after school to learn how to sew. She surprises me quite regularly about something new that she learned to do in high school while not doing sports.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As someone who is a classically trained pianist and was pushed by my parents to do it throughout my childhood, including recitals and competitions, I can tell you that it is quite miserable until you get a good mastery of it. The struggle is real and it is hard and many people are not cut out for it. But there is a silver lining if she can break through and get to the other side. As an adult, it has provided me with a lifetime of joy and pleasure and it has helped me immensely in getting my children up and running on piano as well, which warms my heart. It is usually not fun to be "middling" at something - you have to just keep pushing through until you get to the other side. Tell her to keep going - even when the going gets tough - she will get there eventually. The amount of time it takes is NOT important and she should absolutely stop comparing herself to others. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!

I have the opposite view. There has to be something about playing an instrument that brings you joy, at every level of playing. It makes no sense to keep playing an instrument miserably in the hope that some day it will bring you joy. Joy is the whole point of music.

NP. I am also classically trained pianist, trained in Eastern Europe. I wanted it, my parents tried to discourage me the whole time. When I finished elementary school piano, and wanted to move on to high school(there are schools like that in my country) they discouraged me again, and my sister too. We enrolled on our own. Practicing doesn't give you all that much joy, but performing in front of an audience or a panel of judges, that gave me immense joy. For some people, there is that feeling of anxiety, but also exhilaration of performing that makes a performer draw from the audience and the music becomes passionate and emotional. I suspect that some people might not be cut out for that kind of pressure and maybe OP's kid is one of those kids. And there is nothing wrong with that, if you are dreading doing something and you don't have to do it, why make yourself/your kid miserable?

My daughter plays a sport that she selected. Practice is hard (and sometimes miserable and painful) but when she plays and wins, she is the happiest I've ever seen anyone. She loves to play. When practices is especially hard one day and she was in tears I asked if she wanted to quit, she said "never!"

Perhaps OP (and others) they have not seen what all the work is FOR yet?

I sometimes feel like with all the emphasis on "just having fun" and not on winning, it takes away the reward and goal. And why would you keep working hard at something that doesn't have some kind of awesome reward other than "just having fun"?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As someone who is a classically trained pianist and was pushed by my parents to do it throughout my childhood, including recitals and competitions, I can tell you that it is quite miserable until you get a good mastery of it. The struggle is real and it is hard and many people are not cut out for it. But there is a silver lining if she can break through and get to the other side. As an adult, it has provided me with a lifetime of joy and pleasure and it has helped me immensely in getting my children up and running on piano as well, which warms my heart. It is usually not fun to be "middling" at something - you have to just keep pushing through until you get to the other side. Tell her to keep going - even when the going gets tough - she will get there eventually. The amount of time it takes is NOT important and she should absolutely stop comparing herself to others. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!

I have the opposite view. There has to be something about playing an instrument that brings you joy, at every level of playing. It makes no sense to keep playing an instrument miserably in the hope that some day it will bring you joy. Joy is the whole point of music.

NP. I am also classically trained pianist, trained in Eastern Europe. I wanted it, my parents tried to discourage me the whole time. When I finished elementary school piano, and wanted to move on to high school(there are schools like that in my country) they discouraged me again, and my sister too. We enrolled on our own. Practicing doesn't give you all that much joy, but performing in front of an audience or a panel of judges, that gave me immense joy. For some people, there is that feeling of anxiety, but also exhilaration of performing that makes a performer draw from the audience and the music becomes passionate and emotional. I suspect that some people might not be cut out for that kind of pressure and maybe OP's kid is one of those kids. And there is nothing wrong with that, if you are dreading doing something and you don't have to do it, why make yourself/your kid miserable?

My daughter plays a sport that she selected. Practice is hard (and sometimes miserable and painful) but when she plays and wins, she is the happiest I've ever seen anyone. She loves to play. When practices is especially hard one day and she was in tears I asked if she wanted to quit, she said "never!"

Perhaps OP (and others) they have not seen what all the work is FOR yet?

There is a big difference between being a "quitter" and experimenting with different activities till you find what you love. We have five grown kids. They all tried many, many different activities before choosing one or two to stick with.

It's all about character. Character is destiny. Maybe the kid will change on his own later on. Based on the events related so far, I don't think there is much you can do about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As someone who is a classically trained pianist and was pushed by my parents to do it throughout my childhood, including recitals and competitions, I can tell you that it is quite miserable until you get a good mastery of it. The struggle is real and it is hard and many people are not cut out for it. But there is a silver lining if she can break through and get to the other side. As an adult, it has provided me with a lifetime of joy and pleasure and it has helped me immensely in getting my children up and running on piano as well, which warms my heart. It is usually not fun to be "middling" at something - you have to just keep pushing through until you get to the other side. Tell her to keep going - even when the going gets tough - she will get there eventually. The amount of time it takes is NOT important and she should absolutely stop comparing herself to others. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!

I have the opposite view. There has to be something about playing an instrument that brings you joy, at every level of playing. It makes no sense to keep playing an instrument miserably in the hope that some day it will bring you joy. Joy is the whole point of music.

NP. I am also classically trained pianist, trained in Eastern Europe. I wanted it, my parents tried to discourage me the whole time. When I finished elementary school piano, and wanted to move on to high school(there are schools like that in my country) they discouraged me again, and my sister too. We enrolled on our own. Practicing doesn't give you all that much joy, but performing in front of an audience or a panel of judges, that gave me immense joy. For some people, there is that feeling of anxiety, but also exhilaration of performing that makes a performer draw from the audience and the music becomes passionate and emotional. I suspect that some people might not be cut out for that kind of pressure and maybe OP's kid is one of those kids. And there is nothing wrong with that, if you are dreading doing something and you don't have to do it, why make yourself/your kid miserable?