Anonymous
Post 03/02/2017 09:11     Subject: Re:DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:OP, this will inevitably end with divorce because you are mainly focusing on what your husband is doing and his failings and not owning any of yours. It's classic and therapy won't work because you are not being humble enough to see your part in any of this. It's just your husband's neediness, but for that -- everything would be great! Not true. You have your own issues, your inability to accept this fact, and your willingness to assign all blame to your husband points to your marriage imploding at some indeterminate point in the future.

It's not about what happened, alone. It's not about him, alone. It's about you, him, and everything in between these two points. You are comfortable pointing out his failings, but your inability to examine yours is going to be your downfall.


Did you even read any of my posts or did you just skim through? Even my opening post started with' this is the problem i have' - OP
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2017 09:08     Subject: Re:DH doesn't give me space when we argue
OP, this will inevitably end with divorce because you are mainly focusing on what your husband is doing and his failings and not owning any of yours. It's classic and therapy won't work because you are not being humble enough to see your part in any of this. It's just your husband's neediness, but for that -- everything would be great! Not true. You have your own issues, your inability to accept this fact, and your willingness to assign all blame to your husband points to your marriage imploding at some indeterminate point in the future.

It's not about what happened, alone. It's not about him, alone. It's about you, him, and everything in between these two points. You are comfortable pointing out his failings, but your inability to examine yours is going to be your downfall.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2017 09:04     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Oh wow
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 19:21     Subject: Re:DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Counseling or not, you'll both end up divorce. Either your husband will grow tired of the marriage or you will, either way it's not looking good long-term. There's only somuch you can take when both partners in the relation have completely opposite method to managing disagreements.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 18:50     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:
mshakespeare wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.


Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.


Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...

If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.

He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.


Op here, let me clarify. There were 2 incidents:

-Incident 1: im trying to leave the bedroom, he stands in front of me and walk backwards and stands right in front the door. I ask him to move out of the doorway so i can exit the room, 3or 4 times, dont remember he refuses. I approach the doorway, he puts his hands out and hold the walls, i push him to get away.

Incident2: I asked him to leave the room multiple times, he refuses, i leave room, he follows me, i locked myself in the 2nd bedroom as I got there faster. He unlocks it from outside and tries to get in the room, im holding the door from inside trying to push it shyt, he puts his arm in and blocks the door from closing. Im on the other side yelling' keep ur arm away', keep ur arm out and hes repeating ' u will have to break my arm, but im not moving it away'. I finally give up at that point as i dont want to break his arm by pushing the door, and he got in the bedroom


Seriously, you have issues. Why can't you just talk like a normal person? Instead, is run all over the house acting like a godda** minatic. In the time t takes you to have your little fit of running around the house pushing your husband, you could have resolved the issue.

You need anger management. STAT.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 18:36     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
mshakespeare wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.


Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.


Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...

If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.

He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.


Op here, let me clarify. There were 2 incidents:

-Incident 1: im trying to leave the bedroom, he stands in front of me and walk backwards and stands right in front the door. I ask him to move out of the doorway so i can exit the room, 3or 4 times, dont remember he refuses. I approach the doorway, he puts his hands out and hold the walls, i push him to get away.

Incident2: I asked him to leave the room multiple times, he refuses, i leave room, he follows me, i locked myself in the 2nd bedroom as I got there faster. He unlocks it from outside and tries to get in the room, im holding the door from inside trying to push it shyt, he puts his arm in and blocks the door from closing. Im on the other side yelling' keep ur arm away', keep ur arm out and hes repeating ' u will have to break my arm, but im not moving it away'. I finally give up at that point as i dont want to break his arm by pushing the door, and he got in the bedroom
mshakespeare
Post 03/01/2017 14:51     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.


Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.


Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...

If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.

He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 14:45     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.


Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.
mshakespeare
Post 03/01/2017 14:44     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And BTW, you pushing him is assault. He doesn't have a victim syndrome. YOU actually assaulted him twice!


Not really. If someone corners you in a room and doesn't let you leave, pushing them to get away from them doesn't sound like assault to me. Just the opposite. He sounds abusive and controlling and very manipulative.


Borderline abusive...

Possibly controlling...

Maybe manipulative.

He is not hard to figure out though.

He is insecure and fears that if he doesn't deal with the argument to a reasonable conclusion - than his wife will leave him... A lot of people go through this. They are smart enough to know that their wife isn't happy - but not secure enough to know that it will pass and does not mean it's the end of the relationship - therefore, they try to resolve the conflict as soon as possible.

This only gets exacerbated when the wife doesn't want to resolve the issue right then and there.

Women can be like this as well...

He needs to get therapy and resolve his abandonment/insecurity issue. She needs to get to some anger management classes... If they both want to make the relationship work - they can then do some couples counseling to work on communicating.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 14:40     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:And BTW, you pushing him is assault. He doesn't have a victim syndrome. YOU actually assaulted him twice!


Not really. If someone corners you in a room and doesn't let you leave, pushing them to get away from them doesn't sound like assault to me. Just the opposite. He sounds abusive and controlling and very manipulative.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 13:56     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, run don't walk.

If you do, counselling may help w communication. Plan your arguments before you have them, when you are calm. Then both of you must stick to the rules.th


Why run?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 13:55     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:Are you just walking away or are you saying, "I'm angry and I need some space."


At the beginning of the relationship, i used to just shut down, then we talked abput it multiple times when we are both sober and not angry, and I explained to him that when i need space or shut down when im angry, it has nothing to do with the relationship. Its about my incapacity to have a rational conversation when im in that state so i need a minute to process my thoughts, so now sometimes i tell him'give me some time or not now' and he will say' just give me 10 min, which turns into 20 min 30 min of just him talking, n me sitting there mute, n when its overwhelming i ask him to leave me alone and he refuses, he wants us to talk about it then n now. If im at work, he will text, if i dont respond he will call my cell, then my deskphonr, call back cell ect, 10+ missed calls from him in a row is not unusual
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 13:51     Subject: Re:DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.


This is a great point.

People are very different when they argue.

I have been saying this for years. Your husband's insecurities put him in a position where he can't relax until he knows that the argument is resolved, because he feels as though each argument is going to be the one that finally pushes you over the edge and you leave him. You walking away simply reinforces that.

However, you know yourself and know that when you are angry, that you can't have a rational conversation, therefore, you walk away.

You need individual counseling. He needs to work on his insecurities and fears. You need to learn how to communicate when you get angry.

Once you all can get those issues sorted out, then go to couples counseling to work on your relationship.

Although - I would argue that the only issue in your relationship is that you are opposites when it comes to fighting for your own personal reasons and there is nothing wrong with your relationship itself. If you two can go to individual counseling and work on the issues that make you fight the way you do - it would intrinsically solve your relationship issues.

I was like this. I was the chaser - because of insecurity and fear. I did counseling on my own - and as I became more confident, less insecure, our relationship really became much better. I realized that it wasn't my girlfriend's responsibility to take care of me when I was feeling insecure - it was my responsibility to not be insecure.


This is spot on, i completely agree with you. Thank you, -OP
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 13:50     Subject: Re:DH doesn't give me space when we argue
Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.


Op here- I just ordered the book 'Attached' on amazon. Look it up, everything i've read about attachment styles show why my relationship is failing. We are the worst possibility on the sttachment spectrum. Though i wanna add that there is a difference between what you wrote'speaking up' and Anxious Preoccupied. You might be of a Secure attachment style which is the 3rd style and the healthy one. Anxious Preocuppied which defines my DH is not healthy, as its not just speaking up, but the exxagerated reaction and anxiety they get at any sign that there might be an issue, regardless of how small the issue is. Look it up if ure interested
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2017 12:12     Subject: DH doesn't give me space when we argue
If you don't have kids, run don't walk.

If you do, counselling may help w communication. Plan your arguments before you have them, when you are calm. Then both of you must stick to the rules.th