When my dad left us and moved to another state. Set up house keeping with a bimbo half his age. Ended up marrying another woman but promised he would leave the family condo to us kids. Actually should have gone to our mother in the divorce..oh well. They had their own house. He died and it was transferred to her because he put her name on the deed.

When I was locked in the crawlspace under the house with the raccoons and spiders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

Just try as hard as you can to have a civil relationship with their father and try to foster any kind of good relationship between your children and their father.
That's nice that you have friends and family who foster your war of the roses take on things but you're screwing up your kids for life. Act civil for a few more years and make your exit. And stop trashing the man to friends, neighbors and relatives, yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age and what was the catalyst for determining that you don't like one of your parents?

A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.

How easily you dismiss what are more likely serious issues your relative experienced. How would you know nothing specific happened? She may not want to talk to you. I'm sure she's aware you are dismissive. Most dysfunctional families are surrounded by and include people like you. In families with sexual and physical abuse it is common for immediate and extended family members to minimize the damage and blame the victim.

Common sense would say that if the relative is comfortable telling her that she doesn't like her mother, than she would tell her why - or if there was a reason... Typically - if someone is closed off and doesn't want to talk to someone, they don't tell them other things... Reading comprehension... Figure it out.

I've got no problems with reading comprehension. You have a jeuvenile understanding of human interaction. People just don't work like you think. Common sense doesn't dictate anything when it comes to dysfunctional families. It wouldn't be surprising at all for op's relative to talk about the situation at a high level and not want to expose the dirty details. How would op know that nothing happened? It is very common that the victims of the sick family dynamic know they won't be supported by friends and family alike. Everyone just wants everyone to get along. People like op just want everyone to get a long because they aren't feeling the pain. They may be inconvenienced by the estrangement.

Do you understand the English language? What does the word confided mean to you - because in my world - that means someone saying something to you in confidence - which makes you a confidant - which means you are a trusted person to which this person feels comfortable telling you things that they may not tell others - and quite frankly - you know nothing of human interaction as you are not part of their family - you don't know what you are talking about - and therefore, yes - your reading comprehension could use some work. Stop making assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

That was your takeaway after reading this? Are you sure we read the same things?

She's a mom acting badly without limits , she's not getting it yet. Sometimes, honey, it's less about people forgiving you and more about you becoming more self aware and you changing your behavior.

Anonymous wrote:As a teenager, I started realizing how much both of my parents held grudges--with each other and increasingly with me. In college, I realized that they pretty much never called me unless I called them. When I met DW, they (primarily my dad but with zero visible resistance from my mom) didn't want to meet her and my dad even wrote me an email about how they'd changed the locks after we drove once to visit them 6h away because of how rude it was to come over when they weren't ready.

Things got better after we had kids, and we've seen them and they've seen us once or twice a year since then, but last year I realized I'd had enough of being the only one to ever call ever, and decided to only call during their birthdays and Christmas from then on (while calling back if they ever called me). Since Christmas, we've exchanged exactly zero phone calls. Since both of their birthdays are in September, we aren't going to hear from each other for a long time, and that suits me fine.

We have a healthy relationship with my wife's parents, and as far as I'm concerned, our kids will be much better off knowing them than my parents. My parents have never been mean to them in the least, but I'm just tired of trying of trying to maintain a relationship with folks who aren't very interested in doing so.

Yeah, geez, that is cold and weird. That can be a lovely thing about marriage - you get a new family.

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.

Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.

I was out with friends at a bar last night. The bar is nearly empty but thus middle aged woman sits right next to us and starts loudly talking on her phone "- so loud that we have to listen to her instead of having our own conversation.
Then she starts talking to my friend about the food and realizes I don't eat meat. I haven't since I was a very young child because I was (and am) crazy about animals. My own mother was an intolerant but case about it (but I fed the meat she served to our dogs or my brother). My mother has at least now tempered herself and accepts me for who I am and has long since stopped trying to shove meat down my throat. For gosh sakes I've since birthed three healthy babies and I'm still physically active and play sports even - I don't need meat.

This woman starts going on loudly about how I need to start living a good life and shoving bacon and burgers down my throat. Literally she says that and i told her no thanks I don't eat meat and this is why and she says 'I know, if you were my daughter I wouldn't have allowed that for a second I would have forced you and on and on'

I immediately felt awful for the kids who had to live under this inflexible intrusive tyrant and I'm guessing that they don't often bring their grandkids around. Everything has to be loudly called out and everything has to be done this woman's way 'just because'. She hadn't even had a drink yet - and she was there alone (surprise). If we hadn't already been leaving I would have changed tables to keep from spending my evening cutting her a new one (lost cause).

Shudder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what age and what was the catalyst for determining that you don't like one of your parents?

A relative of mine confided that she just realized she can't stand her mother and wants to limit contact with her - she is 55. I found it interesting that up until now, she has had a good relationship with her. Nothing specific happened, it just dawned on her that her mom's influence has made her the person she is today and is in essence, blaming her for for some of her shortcomings. I would think this realization would happen at a much younger age or that a specific issue happens to cause a change of feelings.

How easily you dismiss what are more likely serious issues your relative experienced. How would you know nothing specific happened? She may not want to talk to you. I'm sure she's aware you are dismissive. Most dysfunctional families are surrounded by and include people like you. In families with sexual and physical abuse it is common for immediate and extended family members to minimize the damage and blame the victim.

Common sense would say that if the relative is comfortable telling her that she doesn't like her mother, than she would tell her why - or if there was a reason... Typically - if someone is closed off and doesn't want to talk to someone, they don't tell them other things... Reading comprehension... Figure it out.

I've got no problems with reading comprehension. You have a jeuvenile understanding of human interaction. People just don't work like you think. Common sense doesn't dictate anything when it comes to dysfunctional families. It wouldn't be surprising at all for op's relative to talk about the situation at a high level and not want to expose the dirty details. How would op know that nothing happened? It is very common that the victims of the sick family dynamic know they won't be supported by friends and family alike. Everyone just wants everyone to get along. People like op just want everyone to get a long because they aren't feeling the pain. They may be inconvenienced by the estrangement.

I realized I didn't like my mom in my early 20s. She has an inability to take responsibility for any of her actions and is self-obsessed and completely lacks self-awareness. Talking to her is a broken record that has been playing for 20 years. She also has a very devious mean streak. If she's not getting her way and she isn't the center of attention, she will make everyone else's life a living hell if she can. Further nail in the coffin - she has zero interest in my kids (see self-obsessed).

My dad, I still like. However, he is an apologist and defender for my mother and not willing to call her on any bullshit ever. He's made it clear he's picking her and not us (his kids). So while I don't mind his company, I don't see him often. I will still talk to him on the phone with some regularity.

I grew up in the kind of family where there are layers upon layers of unspoken truths. All the things we all know and can see, but we're not supposed to ever talk about or if we do talk about it, we are made to pay the price. My opinion is this is TOXIC. And the longer it goes on, the relationships are just a farce. That's where my original nuclear family is.

I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

I hate that BS cliched line. Being a firefighter is a hard job, but that doesn't excuse an individual firefighter if he causes people harm (especially intentionally) or if he slacks off or if he exploits the people he is supposed to protect.

I think people like to use that line as an excuse for being crappy people. Being a parent is optional. That's the thing. It's a choice. Children aren't possessions. They are responsibilities, but no one is forced to have children or be a parent. So if you make that choice, don't be a martyr.

Also, some people are toxic and they harm they do just continues. You can forgive them but still cut them off so that you can be a functional human being.

I sincerely believe a lot of people have children because they want unconditional love and they want all of the Hallmark moments. They think in terms of children being "theirs" and have a difficult time with the concept that they are separate, individual human beings. Parents are guardians -- not owners. The goal is to make your children eventually independent, autonomous, healthy human beings. Your children don't owe you anything. It isn't a contract that just by giving birth, no matter how horrible you are to your kids, that they owe you a lifetime of deference and should let you continue to exploit and mistreat them until you die.

+1

I've been in both situations and the childhood I endured was a million times harder than being a parent.

When on his deathbed, my Dad apologized for dying and leaving us alone with our mom. He told us that she was very childish and selfish and that he was sorry. He said that she'd screw us over, and he'd tried to protect us, but now he couldn't. I was 40.

"Only the good die young." - Billy Joel