Anonymous wrote:My DD started doing a similar thing in middle school. I had the same feelings of missing her because she had always done homework in the kitchen. We talked about it, and now she does work in the kitchen more again. It's nice to have her in the kitchen because then we have little conversations in between the easier homework. She goes upstairs if she has to concentrate or it gets loud

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

OP, here. Yes, the latter, it was more together time. Thanks for understanding. And it was never all night, every night... just trying to break cycle of immediately running up to room, coming down to eat for 15 min, running up again... I understand needs for privacy and alone time, as previously stated. She never had a horrible reaction to the idea...no screaming or arguing, just the "you're lame" eye-roll and the, "um,no." She brushed it off, but wasn't repulsed by the idea.

Anyway I talked to her more about it and we discussed some of the suggestions here. Maybe we will be able to find some common ground.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

Huh? Physically see her? What is the point of that? Teenagers like to be alone. If her grades are good, let her be alone. That is what teens do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I understand people calling me selfish. In a sense I am, naturally. I love my DD and want to see her more. But so does her DH and even more importantly, her 10 year old brother. We aren't asking for her to spend the entire night! Just maybe the hour before dinner, or after, so we are all in the same space at least for a little while. I even suggested maybe she could take her breaks right before dinner and do other stuff...browsing on line or whatever, just so we are all breathing the same air.

My DS will say things like, "it's like she doesn't even live here." Its funny, he doesn't have any delusions or her wanting to play UNO or whatever...he just wants to see her and we TOTALLY know what he means. We all feel the same way.

I think the key to understanding my question is that we are asking for just a little bit each night. We weren't talking as soon as she comes home until she goes to bed in any way shape or form.

I honestly do see why people would call me selfish. But isn't there a more accurate word for wanting a little more time together as a family during the week instead of each person being isolated up in a box the entire night? Remember: I never was talking about the entire afternoon and evening.

Weekends are tough, too, because she has a part time tutoring job and of course wants to be with her friends, not her lame family. I get that. And we are proud that she wants to make a little extra money and be responsible and such. She's a great kid.

Any ideas? Oh, and yes, she is a sophomore!


You are not selfish, some people like to use those type of words ! I truly understand what you mean. It's not too much to ask to spend little time with her family. Most teens spend 6-7 hours watching you tube videos and be on the phone. Maybe go to shopping, movie, or eat out with her and also ask anything you both can do together . You sound like a very good mom who just wants to spend time with her daughter I have a teenager and I struggle too.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I understand people calling me selfish. In a sense I am, naturally. I love my DD and want to see her more. But so does her DH and even more importantly, her 10 year old brother. We aren't asking for her to spend the entire night! Just maybe the hour before dinner, or after, so we are all in the same space at least for a little while. I even suggested maybe she could take her breaks right before dinner and do other stuff...browsing on line or whatever, just so we are all breathing the same air.

My DS will say things like, "it's like she doesn't even live here." Its funny, he doesn't have any delusions or her wanting to play UNO or whatever...he just wants to see her and we TOTALLY know what he means. We all feel the same way.

I think the key to understanding my question is that we are asking for just a little bit each night. We weren't talking as soon as she comes home until she goes to bed in any way shape or form.

I honestly do see why people would call me selfish. But isn't there a more accurate word for wanting a little more time together as a family during the week instead of each person being isolated up in a box the entire night? Remember: I never was talking about the entire afternoon and evening.

Weekends are tough, too, because she has a part time tutoring job and of course wants to be with her friends, not her lame family. I get that. And we are proud that she wants to make a little extra money and be responsible and such. She's a great kid.

Any ideas? Oh, and yes, she is a sophomore!


You are not selfish, some people like to use those type of words ! I truly understand what you mean. It's not too much to ask to spend little time with her family. Most teens spend 6-7 hours watching you tube videos and be on the phone. Maybe go to shopping, movie, or eat out with her and also ask anything you both can do together . You sound like a very good mom who just wants to spend time with her daughter I have a teenager and I struggle too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all missed the point amisdst our advice on how teens should study. She wants study time to count as quality time with her kid and with the siblings.

That is not the way it works. Homework time, wherever it is, is not quality togetherness time.

Most teens like some alone time, more than their parents would prefer. They need alone time because they are people and because they are decided pressing for a very full noisy day.

I think actually that you missed the point. The point was that she wanted to see her dd more. As a potential solution, she asked her dd if it would be possible for her to do her homework downstairs. Her dd made it clear that she wasn't a fan of the idea. She came here looking for suggestions on how she could get her dd to spend more time downstairs - not sequestered in her bedroom "doing homework," knowing she doesn't have that much. Seeing her daughter was the focus of her concern and post, not finding a way to make homework count towards quality time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a teen who was disappearing in his room to do "homework" and he was getting As and Bs. We know he is capable of straight As, so we made him do homework in the kitchen where we could supervise him, and it turned out he got his work done faster and improved his grades to straight As in one quarter. He realizes this is a better way for him to work on better study habits. We are going to try letting him work in his room again, and see what happens to grades.

The best piece of advice we ever received re high school and homework was at a freshman parent orientation at our oldest child's (daughter) new private. They said that the girls' desks should be in a public room where you can see them and they can see you so that they continue to feel connected, not shut away. This includes the computer on which they do their school work. We got home that night and moved her desk into our great room, right off of the kitchen and dining room. She thought we were crazy but we noticed over time that the amount of time she spent on homework seemed to be about half the time of her peers who were sequestered in their bedrooms (unless her peers were exaggerating time which is highly possible). And to our continued surprise her grades were stellar. FWIW we had purchased a new desk and set it up in her bedroom the August before high school began because we knew it was a tough environment and we thought it was what we should do - even though she, as well as her younger sibs, had been successful doing their homework at the kitchen and/or dining room table for years.

Anyway, we've now are using the same technique with all the kids. They each have a desk in the great room and there is one common computer with a printer (although the high schoolers have laptops and the middlers get iPads). It is working for us. Different strokes for different folks. It can get a little loud and crazy but I've also walked in and you could hear a pin drop while they were all focused on what they were doing. But the room always had a good vibe.

The one observation I have and really like about it is that they are all communicating with each other, with the older kids helping the younger kids, as they work on homework. Even the little one, 6, gets into the habit with his little bits of homework, too, although we're down to just two at home since two are in college and one is away because he deferred to go on a church mission and will start college next year.