Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 09:48     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
PP from 09:28

I forgot to add but you mentioned he is still in high school....see if your ex is amenable to doing an amended order. You should be willing to take less in monthly child support and also END IT EARLY (at 18 or when he graduates from high school). However, get him to commit to funding more of college and graduate school. That plan needs to then be submitted to the court. The child will get more financial support/resources for a much longer period of time. For the sake of your child, hope it's not too late and he isn't hardened like many non-custodial parents I see. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I work in financial aid and I see a ton of these cases. I'll say this, children of parents who can work together without any outside influence fare very well. I'm assuming the child support order was a one-side affair (at your urging) done via the courts. I say that because we see it all the time where it comes back to bite the child and one parent says it's not fair that the other parent will not help any more. The problem is that they left it up to the court to decide a monetary amount with a finite time frame. Families who did not make it, it happens, that submitted a joint plan to the courts that includes college, etc. fare much better. I don't know the intricacies of the support order but if you are receiving $1,500 a month through the age of 21, you would have fared better for the child had you mutually agreed upon say $1,000 a month and split college and graduate expenses 50/50. Based upon your statement I don't think you two mutually agreed upon anything and submitted it to the courts -- you probably played hard ball. You would be surprised at the information non-custodial parents share in the explanation section on the CSS Profile. They are brutally honest. It sounds too late in your case but it would have been best for you two to agree on support, college, etc. and then submit your plan to the courts. Based off of what I've seen in my many years of working in financial aid, the courts breed lots of contempt that comes out at a later date.

That said, your ex doesn't owe anything to you or the kid (who can take out loans). It is a privilege to have your parents do anything financially for you and especially past the age of 17/18 -- those children who's parents do help them are very fortunate. Your son can take out loans and that is especially true if he plans to go to med school. There is also the option of going through a HRSA program to help with school or loan repayment (e.g., https://www.nhsc.hrsa.gov/). There is a service payback for it. I wouldn't recommend you go trying to drag your ex's name in the mud with the kid. It's his father and he'll see right through it. Not to mention, he'll may friends go through nasty relationship battles if he doesn't go through it himself. Good luck to your child in his future endeavors.




Anonymous wrote:I don't have anyone to talk with.

My ex-husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with regard to my son's college. DC child support continues until age 21 thank goodness. So I intended on using the child support to help pay for the first 2 years of college (it is a private college that costs $70k a year). That of course means we are both contributing to my son's college -- I don't look at it like only I am paying. That's why they have the support order until age 21.

When my son turns 21, he will be just starting his junior year of college. From then on, I had proposed we split his college expenses based on our incomes.

All that is fine. But now his father is saying that should also apply for graduate school -- that he won't agree to pay for college (about 55%, since that is his share of our income) for junior or senior year unless I agree to pay 45% of college and graduate school.

My son wants to go to med school, and frankly, I cannot afford it. I literally only have about 2 times my gross income in retirement savings and I am 52. I absolutely need to save for retirement when college spending finishes.

My son's dad has enough to pay for college and graduate school alone. I understand it is not fair to think he should absorb that alone. But for my part, I simply think that whatever I do for graduate school needs to be a loan to my son. I cannot pay for graduate school without sacrificing my own retirement security.

Does that sound reasonable to you?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 09:28     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
I work in financial aid and I see a ton of these cases. I'll say this, children of parents who can work together without any outside influence fare very well. I'm assuming the child support order was a one-side affair (at your urging) done via the courts. I say that because we see it all the time where it comes back to bite the child and one parent says it's not fair that the other parent will not help any more. The problem is that they left it up to the court to decide a monetary amount with a finite time frame. Families who did not make it, it happens, that submitted a joint plan to the courts that includes college, etc. fare much better. I don't know the intricacies of the support order but if you are receiving $1,500 a month through the age of 21, you would have fared better for the child had you mutually agreed upon say $1,000 a month and split college and graduate expenses 50/50. Based upon your statement I don't think you two mutually agreed upon anything and submitted it to the courts -- you probably played hard ball. You would be surprised at the information non-custodial parents share in the explanation section on the CSS Profile. They are brutally honest. It sounds too late in your case but it would have been best for you two to agree on support, college, etc. and then submit your plan to the courts. Based off of what I've seen in my many years of working in financial aid, the courts breed lots of contempt that comes out at a later date.

That said, your ex doesn't owe anything to you or the kid (who can take out loans). It is a privilege to have your parents do anything financially for you and especially past the age of 17/18 -- those children who's parents do help them are very fortunate. Your son can take out loans and that is especially true if he plans to go to med school. There is also the option of going through a HRSA program to help with school or loan repayment (e.g., https://www.nhsc.hrsa.gov/). There is a service payback for it. I wouldn't recommend you go trying to drag your ex's name in the mud with the kid. It's his father and he'll see right through it. Not to mention, he'll may friends go through nasty relationship battles if he doesn't go through it himself. Good luck to your child in his future endeavors.




Anonymous wrote:I don't have anyone to talk with.

My ex-husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with regard to my son's college. DC child support continues until age 21 thank goodness. So I intended on using the child support to help pay for the first 2 years of college (it is a private college that costs $70k a year). That of course means we are both contributing to my son's college -- I don't look at it like only I am paying. That's why they have the support order until age 21.

When my son turns 21, he will be just starting his junior year of college. From then on, I had proposed we split his college expenses based on our incomes.

All that is fine. But now his father is saying that should also apply for graduate school -- that he won't agree to pay for college (about 55%, since that is his share of our income) for junior or senior year unless I agree to pay 45% of college and graduate school.

My son wants to go to med school, and frankly, I cannot afford it. I literally only have about 2 times my gross income in retirement savings and I am 52. I absolutely need to save for retirement when college spending finishes.

My son's dad has enough to pay for college and graduate school alone. I understand it is not fair to think he should absorb that alone. But for my part, I simply think that whatever I do for graduate school needs to be a loan to my son. I cannot pay for graduate school without sacrificing my own retirement security.

Does that sound reasonable to you?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 08:51     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:21 sounds old to only be a junior in college. My kids graduated at 22. Oh, and paid plenty towards their own education.


And this is pertinent to this discussion in what way?


Also hilarious because seniors who graduate from college at 22, will typically have been juniors at 21.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:55     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
The fight seems a little premature. Is kid even interested in medical school? is he likely to get in? Did you say he's still in *high school*? Way to soon to worry about this. Also, if he's bright enough to get in to med school, he can probably carry student loans until he has finished a residency. doctors still get paid well enough to justify significant student debt. honestly, i would figure out some way for you and your husband to cover undergrad together and tell him he's financially on his on for grad school absent something unexpected. your kid doesn't want to be supporting you during your retirement, either. so, start saving.

I don't really understand your ex's logic, but relationships always look different from the inside, i suppose.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:53     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.


How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.


???

I don't understand your logic. If kid lives with mom majority of the time, and I'm assuming he does, she's taking care of the bulk of his living expenses to begin with. Both parents have an obligation to support their child, and if it's agreed that parents will pay for college then they must both pay.

Sorry your divorce lawyer sucked.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:49     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think my ex feels that if I am not paying for something, I am somehow taking money from him (ie, if he is helping with graduate school and I am not, it's like I am freeloading off of his dad's support). Frankly, I am happy to give him all the glory for med school should my son go. I just can't do it.

I have had a decade of getting the same stinking child support and my ex trying to run up the bill (getting him tutors, books, signing him up for sports, etc and sending me the bill). Because in his mind, since his support was based on our incomes, the goal was to ensure I paid as much as possible for my son.

Anyway, it's over soon!


Immediate PP here. Your ex sounds like a real prince! Glad you'll be done with him logistically soon!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:47     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
It's so nice of you to even consider paying for grad school, but I would be upfront with your son's dad and say you can't afford it. Be specific (I only have "x" saved for retirement.) You're already doing more than many/most parents by footing the bill for his undergrad education. If your ex-husband is worth his salt, he will (a) be understanding/forgiving and (b) contribute what he can to your son going to graduate school. Your son will figure it out. It will be fine.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:47     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:21 sounds old to only be a junior in college. My kids graduated at 22. Oh, and paid plenty towards their own education.


And this is pertinent to this discussion in what way?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 07:42     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:No. Your son can get loans and be responsible for himself.


Time to be done with supporting your son. We can do it, having saved a few million for retirement.

My parents shared some ill will with each other over my graduate education (which I paid). I'm 50 now and have not forgiven them for the strife.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 20:15     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
It is nice of you but med school or graduate school in general is not normally covered by parents. And any PhD program worth anything will give your child funding--tuition remission and a stipend to live on. Look for a state school that is a good fit or some place that gives good merit aid. Level with your son though and let him know exactly what you can give him in terms of monetary support. And if being a doctor really is his dream and he makes the graduate, he can always go to the Uniformed Health Services University of Health Sciences--for free!
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 19:49     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
I understand how much you love your son and how big a desire you have to see him succeed. You have a mother's heart. You want to support him in any way you can. I think many of us can relate to your instincts and dreams for him. But our hopes and dreams for our kids always need to be tempered with our reality. It is not your job to pay for your child's education at your own expense. When your son is done with school, he will need to find his way. You have worked and you have sacrificed. You have found your way. You need to secure a future for yourself, especially since you are on your own. Only you will provide for YOU. It may not be our desire, but your son can take loans if needed. He can talk about his education with his dad and see what his dad is willing to negotiate with him, but that should be his discussion with his father. If your son is serious about pursuing medical school, he will do what it takes to make that happen. It is his dream, not yours so he needs to be invested and be willing to make the needed sacrifices to see it through. You do the best you can, you give what you can but you must make sure that you can live without angst in the years ahead. I hope this helps. Do not take on what is not yours to take. We are called to love our children; we are called to love our adult children too, but we are not called to finance all their dreams. I wish you peace and resolve.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 19:28     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
The most expensive college in the country (Harvey Mudd) is $69,717 for tuition, room & board, and fees. However, 70% of freshman receive financial aid at the school.

Is your son really expecting you (and Dad) to fully fund the most expensive college in the country AND med school? You need to save. It is very possible to work while in school to contribute toward tuition.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 19:16     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:If you are "very behind on your retirement savings" THEN MONEY IS an issue. You might have a very secure job so you might think you don't need to worry about it, but it is an issue.

Since your salary based split is 55/45, how does your ex not also have retirement savings issues? Did he inherit?

My question is, does anyone know how being behind on retirement savings effects financial aid?

"I don't know if money is an issue. It's not an issue for college, meaning I have saved and I can absorb the college bill with the child support. But I am very behind on my retirement savings."


She can absorb her portion as she has been saving the child support and not spending it on the child.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 19:15     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:Well, of course child support is used for college. Your language sort of seems to suggest like you view it as your money and it's some sort of sacrifice to use it for college.

My attitude was I'd put my kids through undergraduate. They're on their own for graduate school. Professional degrees they can get loans for and repay easily. Other graduate school, they either get a fellowship or get their workplaces to pay or they don't really belong there.


She really wants to be saving it for retirement.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2017 17:24     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
It seems common for divorced parents to overspend on college as kind of overcompensation tactic.