Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it would be nice just to hear something about my SN kid that wasn't related to their disability.

From an art teacher that could be that DC is really enjoying painting or that the pottery unit didn't seem to engage her so much.

Exactly.

But the parent popped her head in during the school day to "check in" on her daughter. The teacher knew sh wasn't really checking in to see if the girl liked painting or ceramics better... and the parent ASKED the question about how the girl was doing, not "what does she like best in art?"...

This. If you want a specific answer to a specific question, then ask a specific question. It's unfair to place blame on someone who didn't tell you exactly what you wanted to hear when asked a general question on the spur of the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it would be nice just to hear something about my SN kid that wasn't related to their disability.

From an art teacher that could be that DC is really enjoying painting or that the pottery unit didn't seem to engage her so much.

Exactly.

But the parent popped her head in during the school day to "check in" on her daughter. The teacher knew sh wasn't really checking in to see if the girl liked painting or ceramics better... and the parent ASKED the question about how the girl was doing, not "what does she like best in art?"...

Some empathy here. Some of the best teachers are not great communicators with parents - they are great with kids and great with respect to subject matter but... we had one teacher I though was wooden as can be, in 20/20 hindesight she might be on the spectrum herself, but she was wicked smart and had figured out really effective communication with kids. Her kid communication playbook worked with students but I imagine she had few adult friends and a lot of hobbies and cats. Lol. Some empathy please. Teachers are human too. My goodness - we want people to accept and give our kids the benefit of the doubt - maybe give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I would chalk this up to well meaning teacher who might lack the social iq to know that is not what you were looking for. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it would be nice just to hear something about my SN kid that wasn't related to their disability.

From an art teacher that could be that DC is really enjoying painting or that the pottery unit didn't seem to engage her so much.

Exactly.

+2. The question was not are kids nice to mine but how the child is doing in class. I would take it as an insult.

DD has asperger's. In part because she's a girl, she doesn't present in a stereotypically asperger's/autistic way, so she often comes across as just really quiet. I was at her elementary school for something else today, and as I was leaving, I popped into the art room because I thought she might be there and I wanted to peak in on her. She wasn't there, but the art teacher was and I asked her how DD was doing in her class. The art teacher, whom I would assume has not read her IEP, said (nicely), "Kids in this school are really nice, so they are inclusive to kids who are different."

Ouch. I mean, I know my kid is different, but I didn't know it was that obvious to everyone.

NP here.

Sorry that this hurts, OP. And it may not be obvious to everyone. But it would be obvious to a teacher who sees hundreds of students, perhaps thousands, over the course of their career. It may also be somewhat obvious to others who aren't teachers.

Sounds to me that this is really what's bothering you. You've just had another reality check--you didn't realize your child's disability was obvious. You are still adjusting to the fact your child has a disability. No, not because you've been in denial, but because her disability isn't static over time. This is a journey you will always be on...as your child develops, other kids are developing, too. As your child makes social gains, other kids her age are, too, and their advances in certain areas are likely to be happening more quickly. This may be making your child's disability more prominent. You may not see this, but others will. You might not see it because, naturally, you've been focused on helping your child get to the next step. And the next.

Reality checks like this hurt. And it's so hard to talk about them. I know for a fact that my friends and others with typical kids my daughter's age think, "why can't she just get over it?" when I try to talk about my child's disability (My DD is now 15). But the fact is, you can't get over something that is still evolving and shifting, and that you are having to manage every day of your life. You can only get on with it. There will always be your reality, and their reality. Most of them will never understand this. To manage this, you need to try to keep track of both--what your child is doing at a certain age versus what most other kids are doing at a certain age--so that you can maintain a sense of perspective on things like this.

Chin up, OP. As you yourself said, the teacher meant to be kind. Let this one go, and focus your energy on helping your daughter.

I think the teachers who are swooping down onto this thread to defend the teaching profession as if this were an indictment of the entire teaching profession are oversensitive.

My son won a school wide academic contest, even beating the scores of the students two grades above him (he's a little smartie).

Teacher sends long emails about his classroom behavior issues, but never once mentioned to me that he won this competition. I found out because the competition results were crumpled in his backpack. He studied every day for weeks to participate in this optional vocabulary competition.

I'm not after teachers- we've had some great teachers over the years- but this rankled.

I don't think OP thought the comment was rude. Just that it stings to hear.

I hear ya, OP. Our 5 year old is adhd and has a lot of social interaction problems in preschool (and has for years). Not so much from the teachers, but i find the other parent comments so stinging - even though they are meant to be totally kind and from friends. Things like "he did great today!" at a birthday party, even though the other parent doesn't know he officially has a problem. The parent is being really nice and encouraging, but it's a reminder to me that the other parents and kids are talking and feeling sorry for us and wondering what the deal is. For so long, when he was a little kid, his issues were able to fly under the radar because all kids had behavioral problems. So no one is being mean or rude, but it's sad for me to hear those comments.

But i AM oversensitive. I know it. I always have been. And my son's issues are my most personal, sensitive issue these days. So no wonder it bugs me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an Asperger's daughter who is 16, and we think she is fantastic they way she is. We are glad she is different and that she stands out. So it certainly doesn't hurt my feeling if people describe her as different. She's a happy and funny person and manages to put people at ease but at the same time will correct them kindly if they say something about autism she disagrees with. She has very strong opinions about autism and about how to dea with the "normals" as she calls them. She tells me the other kids treat her well and give her lots of compliments and she says she tries her best to think of something nice to say in return, but because of the way her mind works, she oftens ends up making everyone laugh. For example she told one girl who complimented her about her clothes, " I like the way your dressed too. That green top reminds me of the cutest frog." I asked her if she thought that comment hurt the girl's feeling and she said, "I don't think so because it was at lunch and she laughed so hard milk came out of her nose. I was really cool. " We love everyday with her because she is so unique.

I love the way you describe your daughter with such love and delight, her peer group, and the compliment she gave her friend! Those are all just fabulous and gave me a huge smile.

Thank you. She brings us so much joy. I know some parents with aspergers kids who really worry about their kids. We feel very blessed that she is happy and doen't suffer from depression or anxiety, that often go along with autism. We are very fortunate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

I don't get it but have read similar comments on this board. Can you explain?

New Poster. People who say things like this think they are complimenting you (Your child looks "normal"!) but they are really saying in an underhanded way "What's the big deal, why can't you just parent him better?"

Good answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

I don't get it but have read similar comments on this board. Can you explain?

New Poster. People who say things like this think they are complimenting you (Your child looks "normal"!) but they are really saying in an underhanded way "What's the big deal, why can't you just parent him better?"

It may not be about parenting, it may be about the child or something else entirely, but its still an insult.

No, it's not an insult. The OP knows this as does most of us. It's just that some days the little things get you down. That's all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher, and I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that OP popped in on the teacher unexpectedly and how that might have impacted the exchange. This wasn't a scheduled conference where the art teacher, who presumably sees hundreds of kids a week, had a chance to collect her thoughts about how your kid responded to the latest unit on watercolors. When asked on the spot, she pulled out an observation that stood out to her most--that your kid is being treated well by others. I'd say that's pretty good.

I've taught students with IEPs and without. If you popped in unexpectedly and asked how your kid was doing, I'm likely to pull out what comes to mind first. It might be that there was a problem in lunch an hour ago or that she made a great comment in social studies yesterday.

If you want to know how she is doing with the art content, schedule a conference. Otherwise, take the comment in the context it was given: a spontaneous response from a teacher who sees many kids once a week.

This. -another teacher

Teachers, I think we do acknowledge and most of us including the OP realize this teacher was trying to be kind. Most every teacher I've ever met can field the random "how's my kid doing" question from parents. I would be shocked if your response would be "Schedule a conference."

There's no need to get shirty with the OP or try to put her on the defensive. It doesn't matter if she's president of the PTA or a parent that only goes to the required annual parent teacher conference.

The teacher didn't do anything wrong in how she answered. But sometimes as parents, it's nice when others see our kids as the individuals they are first and not the disability.

It wasn't a kind statement. A kind statement is Larlo tries very hard but is struggling with xxx (drawing, coloring). He has made a lot of progress in the following areas: XXX. He seems to do well socializing and the other kids appear to treat him well.

Like a PP up thread said--the parent admittedly popped in unannounced and asked the question. I'm sure the teacher would have responded in a similar way to what you wrote if she had been given a heads up. You can't expect someone who teaches hundreds of kids per week to come up with the kind of response you're looking for while being surprised by a parent peeking in the door and asking that type of question while the teacher presumably was either teaching another class or prepping for the next class. That's completely unfair to put this on the teacher. Give the teacher the benefit of time to think of a thoughtful response like you had the benefit of doing. Completely apples and oranges.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has high functioning autism and the message wouldn't bother me in the least.

+1
The comments that I find hurtful are "are you sure it's autism? I just don't see it, he looks so normal."

I don't get it but have read similar comments on this board. Can you explain?

New Poster. People who say things like this think they are complimenting you (Your child looks "normal"!) but they are really saying in an underhanded way "What's the big deal, why can't you just parent him better?"

It may not be about parenting, it may be about the child or something else entirely, but its still an insult.