Agreed, rude and bratty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife seems to lack manners. No big deal that MIL came by announanced, she is your mom and this announcing is beyond me. I don't understand why your wife dislikes your family though, there must be some reason. Are you very young, both of you? Are you putting your mom and dad first and last, and your wife is annoyed by your lack of effort to show her that you are her husbands and not just your parent's kid. If she feels that they come first to you, that would annoy the heck out of me and in that case resentment would be towards you and your family. Think back and see how you act in your marriage, if answer is that you will drop anything as soon as your parents call, then you know the problem. If that is not the case, ask your wife, why does she dislike your parental family. Just ask.

Please explain how the wife is lacking in manners. All we know is that the mother drove by and was told that the son was sleeping. Wife didn't ignore the mother, nor did she tell her to f*&k off. She didn't call her names. Supposedly the child could be seen from the window, but still don't know if the wife knew the child wasn't sleeping.

How was the wife rude?

She was rude by not inviting her MIL inside. That is a first rule of polite behavior. Even if MIL showed up unannounced, you invite friends and family in. That is how she was rude. You don't set boundaries at that moment. Excuse that kid was sleeping was lame, even if the kids was sleeping. Just how rude is our society becoming?

Anonymous wrote:My MIL went to her mother's house every Sunday. Her mother was the center of their family. She consulted her mother about *everything* from buying curtains to disciplining children and buying groceries. She never made a move without consulting her mother first. She very much expected to play that role when her son married me. She expected my husband and me, but really me, to involve her in every single decision we make. We have been married for nearly 20 years and she is still upset that we don't consult her about decisions that do not affect her, like buying milkboxes from Costco instead of from WF (not kidding).

I find the expectation and her continual surprise alarm at not being involved in the minutia of our lives to be extremely annoying. I just ignore her reactions now for the most part. She has no concept how irritating it is and zero comprehension that if she said, "Oh, you are going to Florida for vacation? That sounds lovely. I hope you will show me some pictures when you get home," instead of, "WHAAAT? You are going to Florida? For vacation? Well nobody told me! I guess what I think doesn't matter at all," that she might have a more pleasant relationship with us. As it is, I tell her *nothing* after years of her flipping out because we had pizza delivered instead of picking it up. I leave it my husband to decide what to tell her and what not to. It doesn't bother him nearly as much as it does me.

So, no I don't really like her and as a result, I don't make plans for us to see her beyond obligatory holiday visits. My husband doesn't make plans to see her either so she lives less than an hour from us and we see her for maybe a couple of hours 3 or 4 times per year. If you did not know of this dynamic or you grew up with it and just lived with it, you might think I am being unreasonable. I grew up with my mom who irritates my husband no end. I am used to her oddities and have a lifetime of experience knowing how to ignore her and when not to. I think my husband sometimes looks for reasons to dislike my mom, but I think he could say the same thing about me. So maybe you think your wife is in the wrong, she isn't. She doesn't want to have as much contact with your family as your mom wants. That isn't wrong. It simply differs from the amount of contact your mom wants. Stop looking for your wife to change into what your mom wants and look for ways to give your wife the buffer she wants from your family.

+1

Well done.

OP,

The replies have shown you that there is no clear consensus and that you have to bridge the gap as best you can, to respect your blood relatives as well as your nuclear family, meaning your wife and children.

I'm the bridge between my parents and my husband, who have very different lifestyles and personalities and who don't like each very much. All of them have shown disrespect for each other at different points during their relationship. We have had a couple of yelling matches all together.

Please keep in mind that these relationships are going to last decades. What you say or don't say, do or don't do, is not just for solving the issue at hand, but also with an eye to the future. Stay as neutral as you can. Don't ignore your parents and your childhood rituals, but protect your wife from getting gobbled up by your family's overbearing lifestyle. There are a ton of compromises and options out there!

And you can always talk about this in therapy, with your wife. The atmosphere there is more conducive to reflection and self-analysis than in your own home, usually.

My MIL went to her mother's house every Sunday. Her mother was the center of their family. She consulted her mother about *everything* from buying curtains to disciplining children and buying groceries. She never made a move without consulting her mother first. She very much expected to play that role when her son married me. She expected my husband and me, but really me, to involve her in every single decision we make. We have been married for nearly 20 years and she is still upset that we don't consult her about decisions that do not affect her, like buying milkboxes from Costco instead of from WF (not kidding).

I find the expectation and her continual surprise alarm at not being involved in the minutia of our lives to be extremely annoying. I just ignore her reactions now for the most part. She has no concept how irritating it is and zero comprehension that if she said, "Oh, you are going to Florida for vacation? That sounds lovely. I hope you will show me some pictures when you get home," instead of, "WHAAAT? You are going to Florida? For vacation? Well nobody told me! I guess what I think doesn't matter at all," that she might have a more pleasant relationship with us. As it is, I tell her *nothing* after years of her flipping out because we had pizza delivered instead of picking it up. I leave it my husband to decide what to tell her and what not to. It doesn't bother him nearly as much as it does me.

So, no I don't really like her and as a result, I don't make plans for us to see her beyond obligatory holiday visits. My husband doesn't make plans to see her either so she lives less than an hour from us and we see her for maybe a couple of hours 3 or 4 times per year. If you did not know of this dynamic or you grew up with it and just lived with it, you might think I am being unreasonable. I grew up with my mom who irritates my husband no end. I am used to her oddities and have a lifetime of experience knowing how to ignore her and when not to. I think my husband sometimes looks for reasons to dislike my mom, but I think he could say the same thing about me. So maybe you think your wife is in the wrong, she isn't. She doesn't want to have as much contact with your family as your mom wants. That isn't wrong. It simply differs from the amount of contact your mom wants. Stop looking for your wife to change into what your mom wants and look for ways to give your wife the buffer she wants from your family.

The wife was rude. Nothing was stopping her from letting a grandmother see her grandchild for a few minutes.

My wife's parents have always been nice to me, but are incredibly parochial. Wife has been slowly turning into them. Will probably split up in a few years because of this.

From what you've posted, I see no evidence that your DW dislikes your family as much as she likes healthy boundaries. She was very appropriate when your mother did the drive by.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a question of lifestyle/personality differences, or does either party (DW or Family) act disrespectfully to the other?

Its a pretty big personality difference. DW used to just keep them at arms length. Now she's getting rude.

Everything you've shared can be open to multiple interpretations. Can you share some specific examples:

What does a "big personality" look and sound like?
What does rude behavior by your wife look and sound like?
What is an example where you've felt uncomfortable by an interaction between your spouse and family?

An example: Today my mother was driving by while DW was taking out some trash. My mother stopped and said hello and asked to see my son. My DW told her that it wasn't a good time as DS was sleeping. My mother could see DS in the window wide awake.

Unless it was an emergency, your mother should not have come by the house unannounced. She should've called ahead and set up a time that works for everyone. Maybe your dw was concerned about setting a precedent for these surprise visits.

Yeah, that would bug me too. And that would be true if it was my own mom randomly dropping by and asking to see my kid spur of the moment.

Italian female here -

Man up. Tell your mother to back off. You should have married an Italian girl because they'd probably deal better with the large family thing, but they'd also know how to tell your mamma to dial it back.

But then again there's a reason I didn't want to marry an Italian-American princeling,

You and your wife need to find a compromise.

You have to give up on the idea of her constantly entertaining your family and dinner every Sunday.

And she doesn't get to hold up in her ivory tower and never ee your family.


You are married and you guys have to figure out a way to compromise and make things work.

My mom is overbearing and opinionated. She clashes with my wife. I send my wife for an out of town girls weekend when mom comes to visit. Good excuse to give wife a break from the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm Italian. Wife is not. My family can be very opinionated and overbearing. My wife knew this was what she was marrying into.

Yeah, she probably didn't realize that you would take orders from your mother, and side with her as well, when she married you. My ex's family is Italian - I have NO desire to ever speak to them because they are INSANE humans. And boys are literally treated like kings - grow up and put your wife and kid first. Get some boundaries.

Completely unnecessary ! Why don't you take your own advice about growing up, get some therapy and learn how to give your opinion without being nasty.

+1
PP's projection is out of control

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm Italian. Wife is not. My family can be very opinionated and overbearing. My wife knew this was what she was marrying into.

Yeah, she probably didn't realize that you would take orders from your mother, and side with her as well, when she married you. My ex's family is Italian - I have NO desire to ever speak to them because they are INSANE humans. And boys are literally treated like kings - grow up and put your wife and kid first. Get some boundaries.

Completely unnecessary ! Why don't you take your own advice about growing up, get some therapy and learn how to give your opinion without being nasty.

Anonymous wrote:DW married you! NOT your family! I'd drop you if I were your DW. You sound like a wimpy mamas boy. Yuck!

Yes because he should take advice frome someone that thinks divorce is is an easy peasy option, name calls, and can't express her opinion beyond the level of a 3 year old.