Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:54
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Anonymous wrote:PP, I believe she's depressed. However, she isn't totally helpless either and treating her with kid gloves at every step hasn't helped. It isn't ok to be hurtful towards her husband. She can control that. If the roles were reversed, I just don't see other posters giving a depressed husband a pass for being critical. You figure out a way to fix that shit immediately.
It sounds like she's been receiving the wrong kind of therapy. It doesn't matter what you think other posters would say to husbands posing the same question. I still think what you said about her kids being afraid she doesn't love them is a low blow. She's seeking help. That's not the time to show internet-stranger-tough-love.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:45
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
PP, I believe she's depressed. However, she isn't totally helpless either and treating her with kid gloves at every step hasn't helped. It isn't ok to be hurtful towards her husband. She can control that. If the roles were reversed, I just don't see other posters giving a depressed husband a pass for being critical. You figure out a way to fix that shit immediately.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:37
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
OP, you've gotten some great advice already. I agree that you need to push yourself out of the comfort zone a bit more, but this will need to be done gradually and with a lot of emotional support. I do think your husband, though a wonderful help, will need to step back just a bit and give you room to fumble along with parenting more. He's probably gotten used to doing it all and worries about you getting overwhelmed, which is understandable. However you need a chance to get some confidence in parenting and developing a stronger bond with your kids. Maybe you could hire a babysitter or mother's helper to come a couple of afternoons or on a Saturday? This way you can have some assistance while getting your feet wet with more tasks.
I second the suggestion of a CBT therapist. It sounds like you'd benefit from a more active coaching style of therapy. Also talk to your doctor about tweaking your medication -- maybe you're still having too much anxiety or low energy from the depression? There may be meds that can be added to dosages increased to help with that.
Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
I second the suggestion of a CBT therapist. It sounds like you'd benefit from a more active coaching style of therapy. Also talk to your doctor about tweaking your medication -- maybe you're still having too much anxiety or low energy from the depression? There may be meds that can be added to dosages increased to help with that.
Wishing you the best. Hang in there!
Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:22
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Anonymous wrote:#1 is to stop criticizing your DH and the house. Period. That aint depression talking. It's hurtful language to someone who loves you enough to take it. You're punishing him for being competent and masking that as an illness. If you had a husband who flew off the handle, I don't think you would be so comfortable criticizing him.
Your kids don't prefer you. They just know that their dads love is unconditional and he will be there for them but they don't have that same confidence in mom so they're anxious to receive love from you.
I think you're self-sabotaging. You probably have the life you envisioned for yourself and are freaking out about it. I think part of you wants your husband to leave you. Agree with PPs on individual therapy. My little brother went through this and he lived with me for part of that time. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. Incredibly cruel. After enabling for quite awhile, I abruptly kicked him out (snapped one day). I felt guilty initially, though I loved not having him around. I didn't care for the example he set for my child. A couple years later, he actually thanked me for doing so and he's living independently now. He went to therapy for awhile. I bring this up, because I want you to consider the very real possibility of your husband not being around. What if he dies in a car crash? Or finds another woman? He's a prime target for an affair and he might not even realize it yet. But everyone wants to feel appreciated. You need to compliment his efforts and his support of you during this time.
What a cruel thing to say to someone who's depressed and looking for help.
As far as your first paragraph goes, depression often manifests as anger and other emotions than sadness. The criticisms are probably part of the illness. It doesn't mean she can't learn to keep it in check, but recognizing it is a problem is the first step.
You sound like you think people with depression are faking and can just snap out of it if they want to.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:19
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Anonymous wrote:#1 is to stop criticizing your DH and the house. Period. That aint depression talking. It's hurtful language to someone who loves you enough to take it. You're punishing him for being competent and masking that as an illness. If you had a husband who flew off the handle, I don't think you would be so comfortable criticizing him.
Your kids don't prefer you. They just know that their dads love is unconditional and he will be there for them but they don't have that same confidence in mom so they're anxious to receive love from you.
I think you're self-sabotaging. You probably have the life you envisioned for yourself and are freaking out about it. I think part of you wants your husband to leave you. Agree with PPs on individual therapy. My little brother went through this and he lived with me for part of that time. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. Incredibly cruel. After enabling for quite awhile, I abruptly kicked him out (snapped one day). I felt guilty initially, though I loved not having him around. I didn't care for the example he set for my child. A couple years later, he actually thanked me for doing so and he's living independently now. He went to therapy for awhile. I bring this up, because I want you to consider the very real possibility of your husband not being around. What if he dies in a car crash? Or finds another woman? He's a prime target for an affair and he might not even realize it yet. But everyone wants to feel appreciated. You need to compliment his efforts and his support of you during this time.
PP here. This is also really good advice. You do need your butt kicked a bit.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 22:17
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
OP you are so sweet and self aware. I'm just sending you lots and lots of love.
You do need individual counseling once per week to start work on strategies to engage where you can while also taking care of yourself.
TBH your DH sounds pretty great too. I can imagine his life is hard and he must worry about you a lot. Keep talking about your feelings and being honest, but also trying.
People are different and can handle different amounts of stress. You have a low threshold and your DH has a high threshold. A goo match for the kids. But be careful that you are not leaning on your DH too much. If he were not there are not engaged could you engage more? Watch for that.
Still, you have a very good clear idea of what is happening so you are ahead of lots of people!
So much love going out to you!
You do need individual counseling once per week to start work on strategies to engage where you can while also taking care of yourself.
TBH your DH sounds pretty great too. I can imagine his life is hard and he must worry about you a lot. Keep talking about your feelings and being honest, but also trying.
People are different and can handle different amounts of stress. You have a low threshold and your DH has a high threshold. A goo match for the kids. But be careful that you are not leaning on your DH too much. If he were not there are not engaged could you engage more? Watch for that.
Still, you have a very good clear idea of what is happening so you are ahead of lots of people!
So much love going out to you!
Anonymous
12/27/2016 21:55
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
#1 is to stop criticizing your DH and the house. Period. That aint depression talking. It's hurtful language to someone who loves you enough to take it. You're punishing him for being competent and masking that as an illness. If you had a husband who flew off the handle, I don't think you would be so comfortable criticizing him.
Your kids don't prefer you. They just know that their dads love is unconditional and he will be there for them but they don't have that same confidence in mom so they're anxious to receive love from you.
I think you're self-sabotaging. You probably have the life you envisioned for yourself and are freaking out about it. I think part of you wants your husband to leave you. Agree with PPs on individual therapy. My little brother went through this and he lived with me for part of that time. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. Incredibly cruel. After enabling for quite awhile, I abruptly kicked him out (snapped one day). I felt guilty initially, though I loved not having him around. I didn't care for the example he set for my child. A couple years later, he actually thanked me for doing so and he's living independently now. He went to therapy for awhile. I bring this up, because I want you to consider the very real possibility of your husband not being around. What if he dies in a car crash? Or finds another woman? He's a prime target for an affair and he might not even realize it yet. But everyone wants to feel appreciated. You need to compliment his efforts and his support of you during this time.
Your kids don't prefer you. They just know that their dads love is unconditional and he will be there for them but they don't have that same confidence in mom so they're anxious to receive love from you.
I think you're self-sabotaging. You probably have the life you envisioned for yourself and are freaking out about it. I think part of you wants your husband to leave you. Agree with PPs on individual therapy. My little brother went through this and he lived with me for part of that time. Our dad was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. Incredibly cruel. After enabling for quite awhile, I abruptly kicked him out (snapped one day). I felt guilty initially, though I loved not having him around. I didn't care for the example he set for my child. A couple years later, he actually thanked me for doing so and he's living independently now. He went to therapy for awhile. I bring this up, because I want you to consider the very real possibility of your husband not being around. What if he dies in a car crash? Or finds another woman? He's a prime target for an affair and he might not even realize it yet. But everyone wants to feel appreciated. You need to compliment his efforts and his support of you during this time.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:47
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.
Here's what you should do:
1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.
2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.
3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.
4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.
So how are you going to get your act together and stop being a bitch? You were likely just born that way but you've really got to do better! And I wish for you what you've given to OP, that someone kicks you when you are down.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:43
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
I agree with PPs to pick one thing and do it. Once you are comfortable with that, keep adding one more thing. My friend's DH did practically nothing in the house and he started with making the bed every day. After a few weeks, he started loading the dishwasher every night after dinner as well. He now helps out much more and it is big burden off my friend.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:41
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
OP, you sound depressed, which makes any task exhausting for you. I hope you can get some help so your kids can have two active parents. My husband and I have 14 year old b/g twins. It would be too burdensome for one of us to be the default parent. We both are working professionals but we know we have to be available for our kids. DH does most of the activities with our son such as scouting, get together with friends, and sports. I do the activities with my daughter. And, of course, we do family activities. If you don't get help now, it will affect your marriage later and the perception your children will have of you when they are teenagers. They need the guidance and involvement of both parents. There are times when I just want to zone out. I carve out free time for myself when the kids or DH aren't around. I try to work from home as often as I can, especially when the kids are out of school. They can be at home by themselves but I think they still enjoy a parent being home with them. OP, your children need you so you owe it to them to get the support you need to be there for them. You don't want them to resent you later.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:20
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Op my son us only 10 months and I feel the same way you do. Hang in there. Try to do 2-3 things per week. Baby steps. I hope you feel better soon.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:08
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
I am DH / default parent. My job is just more flexible than DW. She has fixed hours and a long commute. I have totally flexible hours and a 10 minute commute. We both earn roughly the same (in completely different fields).
Anonymous
12/27/2016 20:07
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Hugs out to you OP!
My DH is the default parent, although I am the laundry freak, with many random rules
I was almost in tears today because since June I have had money I need to transfer to the 529s that are in my name for the kids and I'm running out of time and of course, there are problems getting into the stupid site to load the transfers. I can't pay the bills, I almost bunted down the house cooking once (burnt food many more times).
let the kids feed themselve b'fast. I know I was doing it when I was young. buy the smaller bottles of milk so they can pour.
My DH is the default parent, although I am the laundry freak, with many random rules
I was almost in tears today because since June I have had money I need to transfer to the 529s that are in my name for the kids and I'm running out of time and of course, there are problems getting into the stupid site to load the transfers. I can't pay the bills, I almost bunted down the house cooking once (burnt food many more times).
let the kids feed themselve b'fast. I know I was doing it when I was young. buy the smaller bottles of milk so they can pour.
Anonymous
12/27/2016 19:12
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.
Here's what you should do:
1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.
2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.
3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.
4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.
You're a terrible person. Do you know anything about mental illness, specifically depression? Do you not believe in science?
Anonymous
12/27/2016 19:06
Subject: Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?
You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.
Here's what you should do:
1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.
2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.
3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.
4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.
Here's what you should do:
1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.
2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.
3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.
4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.