Anonymous wrote:You know your wife- if she the type who would rather know everything even if it hurts? Or would she rather you keep it to yourself? If she'd rather know and you choose not to tell her, then you are being selfish and betraying her further. If you know she would rather not hear about some one time indiscretion, then respect that and don't tell her.

Agree with this. Before we got married, DH and I talked about whether we would want to know if the other cheated. I know that he would want to know so were I ever to cheat, I would tell him, regardless of whether it was a one time f*ck up or a long term thing. He knows that I don't want to know if it was a one time f*ck up, that the guilt is his to deal with and to leave me out of it. I only want to know if it's a long term thing, at which point our marriage would be over.

It really depends on your wife, OP. As you can see, there are cheated on partners on both sides of this, some want to know, some don't.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her. You'll go nuts if you don't.

Suffer, take it to your grave.

No!
What she doesn't know will not hurt her.

Take this as a life lesson.

You made a serious mistake but hopefully you learned a lot from it.

And your lingering guilt will make you a better husband overall.

I appreciate all responses. I have contacted a therapist. Thank you for your help.

You do not want your wife to know. I cheated on my husband and when he found out it destroyed him. He will never be the same because of my actions. It has also hurt my children in ways I can't describe. It has been over three years of hell.
You also need to get individual therapy and figure out why you did what you did and work on yourself so that you don't ever cheat again. You may think you won't do it again right now, but you may become vulnerable in the future.

Cheated on wife here. Wish I'd never found out. Keep that burden to your self. IMO, telling is just away to ease your guilt. You deserve to wallow in it.

Don't tell. Get tested. Don't burden her. Be a good husband going forward. Go into therapy to figure out why you did it and how to prevent it from happening again.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I'd be beyond pissed if I found out about it years later. The one thing I truly hate is being lied to.

It takes two to lie -- one to lie, and one to listen. If I don't tell you about something, then I'm not lying and you're not listening.

Why the D before W if you were willing to hurt her that way?

Any therapist recommendations, preferably in Virginia?

The thing is, Op, now you're stuck keeping a secret, a big one. If you google secrets and the brain you find all this stuff about how keeping a secret pits two parts of the brain against each other, raises stress hormones, causes GI issues.

The articles say to make a list of the pros and cons of telling. That in itself is supposed to help. Ultimately, whether or not you tell your wife you should tell someone just to unburden yourself.

Anonymous wrote:This is why women should be okay with their hubbies looking at porn. Men are horny...all the time. I'd rather him take care of himself than get an AP.

no, this is why me not need to learn self control and delayed gratification. Let me guess, if a woman's skirt is too short or she bends over and a man sees down her shirt, it's ok for a man to rape her since they're just horny all the time and it's the woman's job to meet that need for him.

She lives in another state. The few times we were together I wore a condom. I have had full STD testing and am clean.

Personally, I'd be beyond pissed if I found out about it years later. The one thing I truly hate is being lied to. However, I think most people would rather not know. Only you know your wife well enough to know which category she falls under. Obviously if there's a child or STD involved you need to tell her.

Op- did you use a condom? If no, were you sleeping with your wife at the same time?

Even if you're clean, she will never forget that you did them both bareback.