My aunt addresses my Christmas card to Mr. and Mrs. Larlo Smith. I don't even get my own first name.

So if anyone should be butthurt it should be me, not you.

Get over it.

Guys. It's all of the above. Some families out there probably are passive-aggressive about names. Some don't care. Sometimes, it's a little bit of both mixed in. My own dear ILs are quite comfortable that I kept my name, but I do notice that they place particular emphasis on my children's last name (which is the same as my DH's) and frequently mention/praise/exclaim over it ("you're a Smith!" etc.). I personally don't care, and I have never had a hard time cashing checks. However, if I had ILs that were less great on the whole and more passive-aggressive, I might care.

I would also note that there are some people who probably assume the woman changed her name and don't have much occasion to be corrected. We probably receive 50-60 holiday cards every year, many of which are addressed to me and DH under his name and are from relatives we literally never see and correspond with generally once per year. Not much of an opportunity to correct them, so I assume they genuinely do not know I kept my name.

The beauty of feminism is that we now have a real choice to keep our names, and real careers established under our old names, and a separate economic and independent self. When my MIL got married, a married woman couldn't open a credit card in her own name, the account had to include her husband as well. Feminism is about not having that anymore. It's not about finding ways to be offended that might not be or aren't really there.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's even passive aggressive.

THEY DON'T CARE. AT ALL.

They just don't give a fig about your name. They don't care if it's your own, his or hyphenated. And 'respect for your choice'? Gimme a break. You are expecting too much attention to be paid to your little idiosyncrasies.

Cash your check and move on.

Actually, it's the opposite. They are showing that THEY CARE A LOT. And they're being very passive aggressive about it. So, you want me to believe that DH's family met his girlfriend, then she became his fiance probably after a few years and all that time they had no problem remembering her name. Somehow, the minute the marriage certificate is signed, they "forget" her name?

For all you people who say it's too difficult to remember your (female) family members names, how do you handle new coworkers? Do you never meet new people? You never make new friends? This is so confusing to me. Do you also insist on calling your married friends who changed their names by their maiden names? Do you just make up names for people as you go? I don't understand how you get through life like this. How do you keep your jobs/friendships? I'm genuinely curious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very annoying. My own parents, my brother, and just about everyone in DH's family "forget." I just had a book published is November, name prominently on the cover, sent copies to everyone, and still they sent Christmas stuff to "Larlo and Larla Lastname." Clearly, there's a whole lot of passive-aggressive going on.

I think they really can't remember. Stop being offended. It is not a hill to die on.

My own parents can't remember I kept my name. Yeah, sure, fine.

They really can't remember because they don't care too. Which, imo, speaks volumes.

Anonymous wrote:It's very annoying. My own parents, my brother, and just about everyone in DH's family "forget." I just had a book published is November, name prominently on the cover, sent copies to everyone, and still they sent Christmas stuff to "Larlo and Larla Lastname." Clearly, there's a whole lot of passive-aggressive going on.

I think they really can't remember. Stop being offended. It is not a hill to die on.

+ I don't believe they 'don't care'. it's super not hard to remember the surname of someone who presumably had that surname before she married their precious DS. What is this, namechange induced amnesia? They care. They care a LOT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's even passive aggressive.

THEY DON'T CARE. AT ALL.

They just don't give a fig about your name. They don't care if it's your own, his or hyphenated. And 'respect for your choice'? Gimme a break. You are expecting too much attention to be paid to your little idiosyncrasies.

Cash your check and move on.

+1

They just don't care. They don't think of it as a BIG DEAL. You think you have made a *statement* by keeping your name. In reality, NO ONE gives a shit but you. NO ONE.

They actually don't get to decide what is a big deal for the OP. She's made a choice, the least they could do is respect it. The fact they don't speaks volumes imo. They're trying to push her back into line. I'm with her. This is bullshit.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's rude as hell.

DH has a gay uncle and nobody in the family has any issue addressing him and his husband by their names. However, it's too 'difficult' 'inconvenient' or whatever to call me by my name? Really? It's definitely passive aggressive and rude.

For everyone saying it's nbd in what other context would you say that you can call someone by a name of your choosing instead of their given name? It's bizarre.

agree. I think the OP is allowed to feel pissed off about it, after all this time.

The thing is, it's actually a lot of effort to remember new surnames of married women who chose to change their names, but we're all supposed to, which is annoying. Yet somehow it's incredibly difficult to remember the surname of a woman who has had that surname all her life? I don't buy it. It's just a passive-aggressive game against a woman who isn't toeing the line. Screw 'em.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's even passive aggressive.

THEY DON'T CARE. AT ALL.

They just don't give a fig about your name. They don't care if it's your own, his or hyphenated. And 'respect for your choice'? Gimme a break. You are expecting too much attention to be paid to your little idiosyncrasies.

Cash your check and move on.

+1

They just don't care. They don't think of it as a BIG DEAL. You think you have made a *statement* by keeping your name. In reality, NO ONE gives a shit but you. NO ONE.

Yep. This. Life will be a lot easier for you if you stop looking for things to feel slighted over.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's even passive aggressive.

THEY DON'T CARE. AT ALL.

They just don't give a fig about your name. They don't care if it's your own, his or hyphenated. And 'respect for your choice'? Gimme a break. You are expecting too much attention to be paid to your little idiosyncrasies.

Cash your check and move on.

+1

They just don't care. They don't think of it as a BIG DEAL. You think you have made a *statement* by keeping your name. In reality, NO ONE gives a shit but you. NO ONE.

This falls u see the umbrella of " you CAN be upset about it, but you don't HAVE to be" for me. OP's relatives are rude and OP has the right to be super annoyed. But is it worth it? What do you gain by being upset? Will it change them? Does it make your life better to stew? What is the actual harm.? . Probably worth just brushing off and moving on.

I think it's rude as hell.

DH has a gay uncle and nobody in the family has any issue addressing him and his husband by their names. However, it's too 'difficult' 'inconvenient' or whatever to call me by my name? Really? It's definitely passive aggressive and rude.

For everyone saying it's nbd in what other context would you say that you can call someone by a name of your choosing instead of their given name? It's bizarre.

I don't think it's even passive aggressive.

THEY DON'T CARE. AT ALL.

They just don't give a fig about your name. They don't care if it's your own, his or hyphenated. And 'respect for your choice'? Gimme a break. You are expecting too much attention to be paid to your little idiosyncrasies.

Cash your check and move on.

So passive aggressive! I did change my name but BIL's wife who is a doctor did not and they purposefully address her as MRS (not doctor or her first name) and their (not her last name). I see her grin and bear it but they are doing it ON purpose.

Still, I'm jealous -- MIL gives me hour long lectures on how lucky I am that I joined HER family because I have her married last name. Ugggh. The whole family is pretentious beach stabbers.