Anonymous
12/13/2016 20:37
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
I experienced something similar. Things finally got bad enough that he stopped drinking. Then he tried drinking again. Of course it ended up in a bender/meltdown. He threw things at me and broke some of my belongings. Now he stopped drinking again.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 20:35
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Al anon. I'm sorry op, I've been through this and this post is triggering me a little, thinking back to that desperate time. It didn't end well for me.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 20:18
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
I wish I could join a support group with all the people who have given you advice, because my spouse is an alcoholic too. One additional thought - even once they stop drinking, which mine has (it has been 3 years), things can get worse before they get better (obviously this depends how bad it was). My DH was never exactly abusive, but was just unengaged, cranky, distant. We have been trying to get to the root of all of the emotions and issues that the alcohol was a substitute for, and it is such a long and hard road, there is part of me that wishes I just threw him out the first or second time, rather than giving him time for the abstinence to hold so I could find out I what a difficult person he is.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 18:30
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
OP do you like to read Memoirs? There are so good memoirs written by Alcoholics that might help you put things into perspective. Here are a few:
Lit by Mary Karr
Blackout by Sara Hepola
Drink by Ann Dowsett Johnson
Book by Elizabeth Vargas from 20/20 that came our recently
That's all I can think of at the moment
Lit by Mary Karr
Blackout by Sara Hepola
Drink by Ann Dowsett Johnson
Book by Elizabeth Vargas from 20/20 that came our recently
That's all I can think of at the moment
Anonymous
12/13/2016 17:44
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:12/13/2016 12:23 - I get what you are saying and maybe it seems like that b/c I didn't put everything out on the table all at once. It's just train of thought and I posted b/c I needed to bounce this off people who don't know me. In this thread I've been called controlling by some and been told I could be harming my kids by others. I'm just trying to grasp how bad this is, if I am overreacting (or not), if I should plan an exit strategy or if this is just a warning sign and there is a chance we can stop the train before it hits us.
The health issue wasn't caused by alcohol, but it was something that could get worse b/c of it. When the doc asked how much he drank, it was enough that he was told that he needed to cut back. At that time, I wasn't really worried. I didn't see a reason to be concerned. He wasn't mean to me and it didn't look like anything other than what I see a lot around other adults I know.
I mentioned the 2 years b/c I do think we have a communication problem. We aren't as good at getting to the bottom of issues as we used to be and I am cognizant of that. We've had some stressors in the past two year, including about 3 months ago, and they've taken their toll. I never thought marriage would be without issues, but I don't think I'm a doormat, either.
If this was a 2 year ordeal, I'd really hope I'd get out. Right now, it feels like watching a ball roll into traffic.
*YOU* can't stop the train. Only he can. If everyone in this thread who loves an alcoholic could have made them stop, none of us would love an alcoholic. Nothing external will work. You have to decide what your limits are and let him know. Maybe that's no drinking 2x a week, maybe it's therapy or AA. But you can only lay those out and let him do with them what he will. If he doesnt think the drinking is a problem, he won't stop. And an alcoholic (if he is one) will engage in wild mental gymnastics to convince themselves and others the drinking is not a problem. I don't know if things are bad or not based on your posts as Obviously it's hard to judge from such a distance and not knowing anyone. All I'm saying is I and others who are familiar with alcoholism see red flags that you should be aware of. You need to be up front with him his alcohol is an issue and come up with ways to fix that. Let him know not fixing it is not an option. See what he says.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 14:02
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?
Potentially, but I think there's something else going on here (mean without the alcohol, cruel to his spouse at all). ie the alcohol may be a symptom, not the disease. I'd encourage OP to figure out what is at the root of her husband's sadness and anger. To me that seems the bigger issue.
I think you are unfamiliar with alcoholism. Are you in denial in your own life?
I don't think so. I may be unfamiliar, that's fair (though I'm not the only poster saying the responses went over the top).
Can you explain? I mean this sincerely. If he is mean to his family when not drinking, seems angry with his spouse when he does - why is it not possible that something else is going on? Or is that not relevant?
I'm not the PP but I think I speak the same language as her/him.
Alcoholism is always a cover up for intense emotional anguish. But please be clear about this: alcoholism is NOT a symptom, it is a disease. It's a symptom to take a drink when you are feeling overwhelmed, alcohol dependency is a disease.
You don't figure out the root of the issue while ignoring the alcoholism, you do both simultaneously. If you have to prioritize then you start with the alcoholism.
It's a lot to teach about on the internet but please believe that those of us who have been through it really get what we are talking about. I think we could all be counselors in this field!
Anonymous
12/13/2016 13:57
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
The definition of an alcoholic is somebody who can't stop drinking. I know that sounds obvious but think of it this way.
If you knew that a habit you had would possibly lead to your death, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had causes conflict in your marriage, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had was embarrassing to your children, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had could impact your ability to work negatively, would you stop?
Of course you would. Unless you can't stop.
My point is this: alcoholics find and shape enablers. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. This isn't about "blame", this is about a dynamic that exists today as it has for the last thousands of years. Alcoholics find partners that excuse and minimize their behavior because that's the only way an enabler can stay in a marriage.
The very notion that you are asking this question is all I need to know. It's a serious problem and you know it. It's been a serious problem for a long time and you know it.
Those of us who have been there get it. We are the ones who will be the most direct with you, not because we are mean but because we truly want to help.
Good luck.
If you knew that a habit you had would possibly lead to your death, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had causes conflict in your marriage, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had was embarrassing to your children, would you stop?
If you knew that a habit you had could impact your ability to work negatively, would you stop?
Of course you would. Unless you can't stop.
My point is this: alcoholics find and shape enablers. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. This isn't about "blame", this is about a dynamic that exists today as it has for the last thousands of years. Alcoholics find partners that excuse and minimize their behavior because that's the only way an enabler can stay in a marriage.
The very notion that you are asking this question is all I need to know. It's a serious problem and you know it. It's been a serious problem for a long time and you know it.
Those of us who have been there get it. We are the ones who will be the most direct with you, not because we are mean but because we truly want to help.
Good luck.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 13:38
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
OP I was one of those alarmist posters earlier and I think the other PPs are right - I was projecting my own experiences as an adult child of an alcoholic. My point is that early intervention is key and therapy would be great for you both, especially if this time has been a stressor on your marriage as well. I don't think your DH is a full blown alcoholic but I think he is exhibiting some warning signs. Its not too late to turn this all around, and I applaud you for being aware even this early on! Its takes most spouses a loooooong time before they realize anything is off, unfortunately.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:46
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
My DH drinks too much too, but doesn't lash out at me. He's depressed about his job. He says he's in a mid-life crisis, and I agree. I've cut back on drinking too, so it doesn't seem like I'm telling him not to do something that I can. Problem is, his best buddies all get together over drinks. Hard to be social if you're sober. He complains when he wakes up tired after having 4 drinks. Big surprise!
Also, I read about liver function and how alcohol taxes the liver. It results in some symptoms that he definitely has - sluggish in the morning, bad sleep, digestion problems.
Also, I read about liver function and how alcohol taxes the liver. It results in some symptoms that he definitely has - sluggish in the morning, bad sleep, digestion problems.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:41
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
12/13/2016 12:23 - I get what you are saying and maybe it seems like that b/c I didn't put everything out on the table all at once. It's just train of thought and I posted b/c I needed to bounce this off people who don't know me. In this thread I've been called controlling by some and been told I could be harming my kids by others. I'm just trying to grasp how bad this is, if I am overreacting (or not), if I should plan an exit strategy or if this is just a warning sign and there is a chance we can stop the train before it hits us.
The health issue wasn't caused by alcohol, but it was something that could get worse b/c of it. When the doc asked how much he drank, it was enough that he was told that he needed to cut back. At that time, I wasn't really worried. I didn't see a reason to be concerned. He wasn't mean to me and it didn't look like anything other than what I see a lot around other adults I know.
I mentioned the 2 years b/c I do think we have a communication problem. We aren't as good at getting to the bottom of issues as we used to be and I am cognizant of that. We've had some stressors in the past two year, including about 3 months ago, and they've taken their toll. I never thought marriage would be without issues, but I don't think I'm a doormat, either.
If this was a 2 year ordeal, I'd really hope I'd get out. Right now, it feels like watching a ball roll into traffic.
The health issue wasn't caused by alcohol, but it was something that could get worse b/c of it. When the doc asked how much he drank, it was enough that he was told that he needed to cut back. At that time, I wasn't really worried. I didn't see a reason to be concerned. He wasn't mean to me and it didn't look like anything other than what I see a lot around other adults I know.
I mentioned the 2 years b/c I do think we have a communication problem. We aren't as good at getting to the bottom of issues as we used to be and I am cognizant of that. We've had some stressors in the past two year, including about 3 months ago, and they've taken their toll. I never thought marriage would be without issues, but I don't think I'm a doormat, either.
If this was a 2 year ordeal, I'd really hope I'd get out. Right now, it feels like watching a ball roll into traffic.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:23
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out".
I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.
but then you listed all the reasons you are going to do exactly that. Your kids deserve better.
Wow! I didn't think I did that at all. The problems I've noted started about 3 months ago. Yes, he drank more than he should before the health scare, but it wasn't impacting his mood or anyone else before then. Do you toss it all away after a short time when you don't think you've exhausted your avenues?
It's clear I need to talk to someone and that is what I am going to do.
Your earlier post said this has been going on for 2 years?
Us arguing.....Yes. The drinking that makes me concerned....No. See what I wrote below.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:all you know for sure right now is you have a communication problem.
Yeah, we do. We fight so much more than we used to. The past 2 years have be hard.
Ok but on the first page you said his health issue in the spring was after he had been drinking heavily and the doctor told him his drinking was excessive and would cause problems so he cut back briefly and is now back to the previous level. I'm not trying to argue or call you a liar, it just sounds like you're now trying to minimize and walk things back because you say it wouldn't be easy to leave and you don't want to admit things might really be bad. Which is understandable. But you do yourself and your kids a disservice if you pretend things are one way when they aren't or that this isn't bad or ongoing when you initially indicated it was.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:17
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out".
I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.
but then you listed all the reasons you are going to do exactly that. Your kids deserve better.
Wow! I didn't think I did that at all. The problems I've noted started about 3 months ago. Yes, he drank more than he should before the health scare, but it wasn't impacting his mood or anyone else before then. Do you toss it all away after a short time when you don't think you've exhausted your avenues?
It's clear I need to talk to someone and that is what I am going to do.
Your earlier post said this has been going on for 2 years?
Us arguing.....Yes. The drinking that makes me concerned....No. See what I wrote below.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:all you know for sure right now is you have a communication problem.
Yeah, we do. We fight so much more than we used to. The past 2 years have be hard.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:08
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think the responses here are over the top? As OP said, it went from 'stop nagging' to 'leave him immediately!'
+1 It snowballed. I think some people have experienced a lot of hurt and want that not to happen to others.
Not at all. I see a man who drinks all the time despite the negative impact on his family AND he's a cruel drunk. He gets mad when OP asks him to cut back. I don't wish harm or sadness on her family at all- the opposite. Which is why I encouraged her to start looking at this as living with an alcoholic and how it impacts her kids who are the real casualties here. Grew up with this parent and it is ugly and heartbreaking and it will fundamentally affect the people they become and all their relationships. She needs to be thinking from that angle when she decides how much she's willing to take of this if he won't change or stop drinking.
Anonymous
12/13/2016 12:05
Subject: Re: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out".
I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.
but then you listed all the reasons you are going to do exactly that. Your kids deserve better.
Wow! I didn't think I did that at all. The problems I've noted started about 3 months ago. Yes, he drank more than he should before the health scare, but it wasn't impacting his mood or anyone else before then. Do you toss it all away after a short time when you don't think you've exhausted your avenues?
It's clear I need to talk to someone and that is what I am going to do.
Your earlier post said this has been going on for 2 years?
Anonymous
12/13/2016 11:55
Subject: I think my husband has a drinking problem
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?
Potentially, but I think there's something else going on here (mean without the alcohol, cruel to his spouse at all). ie the alcohol may be a symptom, not the disease. I'd encourage OP to figure out what is at the root of her husband's sadness and anger. To me that seems the bigger issue.
I think you are unfamiliar with alcoholism. Are you in denial in your own life?
That is really rude. This has been a supportive, helpful post. Please don't derail.