Anonymous wrote:OP:
I have listened to everything everyone has said. And perhaps I am close mooning too many issues. To clarify:

1) He is an on and off again boyfriend and according to my mother, she hadn't spoken to him in over a month prior to this Monday. They have been together on and off over the past 15 years. They have lived together, then seperated on at least 3 occasions. Currently they live separately. In my opinion my mom has been desperately trying to get this man to love her and this is just attempt for her to get his attention.

OP, let's flip this around. You are single and have been dating a guy on and off for 15 years. You don't have any siblings. Your mother dies and you have to take care of all the arrangements for your mother, deal with all the well-wishers, tie up her estate, etc. You reach out to your boyfriend of 15 years and tell him that you really need his support right now. You are an emotional basket case and you need some help just getting through the day and making arrangements and notifying extended family and friends. How would you feel if your boyfriend tells you that he can't get out of babysitting his grandkids for just after school, even though his son is a high-paid lawyer, but won't hire a babysitter to watch them after school?

To many of us, this sounds like a really lame excuse. After all, it's your mother and you need him. His kids can definitely afford a babysitter, but won't hear of hiring a babysitter, and instead want to make him stay and watch them. This is the position you've put your mother in. I agree with many others that in this situation, tending to the person who just lost a parent is much more important than babysitting grandkids when the parents can afford to get a sitter.

I do agree that she hasn't behaved well in the past, but you can't conflate the two issues, her past behavior and this situation because they are different situations. The death of a loved one is a special situation and needs to be addressed separately rather than linked to past behavior.

Your opinion of their relationship is irrelevant. It's a 15+ year relationship regardless of its ups and downs. She was right to go and you will manage. Stop looking for reasons to be mad at her.

My mother was never able to help with my child, so I'm coming at this with the bias of felling like we should appreciate any help we get from extended family, however imperfect. I totally get your pin term resentment of the BF, but, as others said, her reaction in this particular care was both reasonable and warranted.

My brother died unexpectedly a few years back. My BF dropped everything to be with me out of state during the immediate aftermath. If he had told me that he couldn't come for a day or two because his adult daughter needed his help with child care for her kids even though she and her husband are fully capable adults, I would have dumped him immediately. Your situation was not an emergency. An accidental death of your loved one's parent is.

Anonymous wrote:Op: It wasn't so much that she left. It was the manner in which she left. She didn't try to see if I had things in order, or give me time to get situated. She was also ok with leaving while my children were at school without telling them bye. She has put him before me since I was in high school. To the point that I had to give up my bed and sleep on a couch because he and his mother needed a place to sleep. I thought a day or two notice would have been considerate.

His mother died, leaping on a plane immediately for a long-time lover/partner seems more than reasonable in my eye. Especially since they've been dating at least 15 years (judging by your age + kids). He's clearly important to her and its not like she walked out the door while babysitting your children, leaving them alone in front of the TV. Get a grip and some modicrum of understanding. Go hire a babysitter and call your mother, it wouldn't be out of line for you to send flowers since its also clear that you knew the mother who just died.

Anonymous wrote: My husband has been begging for us to have Christmas at home to start our own traditions, but every year I go visit her so that she can have her whole family with her. I guess I should start putting my husband first too right?

Yes, you should. No reason not to start your own family Christmas and invite her to come to you all. Same with his family (though at a different time of the year).

I get it, OP. My mom, who is a wonderful, giving person and grandmother, promised me to watch our boys when my husband and I had a very serious, very important long-scheduled doctor's appointment about our older son. My husband and I were very stressed about this appointment, the possible medical outcome, etc. My mom bailed at the last minute because of the death of an old friend who she hadn't spoken to in 10 years. I was hurt that she didn't recognize that her living family really needed her and was counting on her. I let it slide though...besides documenting it here. But whenever I think about how she disappointed us that day, it made me really appreciate all the other times she's been there because I can't imagine what it must be like for children to grow up with unreliable parents to prioritize others above them. And yeah, what PP said about not underestimating the desperation of a middle aged woman trying to hang onto a man is really sad and true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/590639.page

Here is op's other thread.
Your DH is failing you and you take it out on your mom.

I'm 1408 and yes this is what I was getting at. Your husband drains you and doesn't support the family in any way. That is NOT YOUR MOM's FAULT. And I have a deadbeat mom who can't even come visit us because she got a dui last year and still has yet to get a new ID after getting of probation so I get deadbeat moms. But your issue is your spouse is useless and that's not her fault nor should her life be put on hold to do his job at home.

Yes and the DH gets off Scott free.

Anonymous wrote:http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/590639.page

Here is op's other thread.
Your DH is failing you and you take it out on your mom.

I'm 1408 and yes this is what I was getting at. Your husband drains you and doesn't support the family in any way. That is NOT YOUR MOM's FAULT. And I have a deadbeat mom who can't even come visit us because she got a dui last year and still has yet to get a new ID after getting of probation so I get deadbeat moms. But your issue is your spouse is useless and that's not her fault nor should her life be put on hold to do his job at home.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/590639.page

Here is op's other thread.
Your DH is failing you and you take it out on your mom.

OP, my husband's mother is like that too- consistently prioritizing her boyfriend at the time over her children. I get it.

In this specific case, I would say that while your mom could've handled it better, a death is quite tragic and you can't begrudge her leaving. In the future, as others have said, don't rely on her for anything. She has proven that you can't depend on her...so, don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this behavior in a lot of lawyers (I'm one myself).

The trial, the all-important trial. God help everyone else on earth, because the all-important trial must give way. Nothing else is as important. Nothing can get in the way of preparation for the all-important trial. God help anyone who has any needs at all during trial preparation.

Ridiculous. Ridonkulous.

Sounds like you've never actually been on trial.

I'm not the PP, but it doesn't matter. A death in the family does, in fact, trump a legal trial.

But it's not an immediate family member. It's OP's mom's BF's mom! OP's client, the judge and all the witnesses who set aside time to be there aren't going to care. I'm not saying the mom shouldn't have gone, but OP is stuck.

OP is not stuck. She has a husband and an entire metro area of potential sitters. Surely a competent lawyer and a dental student together have the intelligence and organizational skills to arrange other childcare for the children they chose to have. Blaming Mommy is just her gut reaction to all the stress.

This- it might be expensive, but there are tons of options, OP doesn't have infants she is handing over to caretakers she never met, these kids will be fine with paid help or drop in, or whatever.

Let's put it this way, OP can throw money at this situation but Mom and BF can't pay someone to help him grieve and plan a funeral for his mom.

Anonymous wrote:OP:

I have listened to everything everyone has said. And perhaps I am close mooning too many issues. To clarify:

1) He is an on and off again boyfriend and according to my mother, she hadn't spoken to him in over a month prior to this Monday. They have been together on and off over the past 15 years. They have lived together, then seperated on at least 3 occasions. Currently they live separately. In my opinion my mom has been desperately trying to get this man to love her and this is just attempt for her to get his attention.

2) Both of my children are in school. I don't need an additional sitter. I wanted my mom to be with them at nights and on the weekend. With her gone I will just make things work by splitting the days with my husband. I have already lined up a sitter for this Friday when the kids are out of school.

3) Yes I do think that she has put him before me a lot. Including but not limited to letting him use one of my credit cards that was sent to her house without my permission. She paid it off eventually but that is beside the point.

4) I bring up the Christmas thing because it's right around the corner. . And frankly I just can't bring myself to make this sacrifice anymore just to make her happy, when clearly her loyalty to him means more than me and my family. However I don't want to make this decision out of spite if you guys are saying I should be more understanding.

Cut her off. Seriously, she sounds like not much of a mother figure, so why bother? Don't rely on her again and do your own holidays.

Never, ever, underestimate the desperation of a 50+ woman to hang on to a man.

Anonymous wrote:OP:

I have listened to everything everyone has said. And perhaps I am close mooning too many issues. To clarify:

1) He is an on and off again boyfriend and according to my mother, she hadn't spoken to him in over a month prior to this Monday. They have been together on and off over the past 15 years. They have lived together, then seperated on at least 3 occasions. Currently they live separately. In my opinion my mom has been desperately trying to get this man to love her and this is just attempt for her to get his attention.

2) Both of my children are in school. I don't need an additional sitter. I wanted my mom to be with them at nights and on the weekend. With her gone I will just make things work by splitting the days with my husband. I have already lined up a sitter for this Friday when the kids are out of school.

3) Yes I do think that she has put him before me a lot. Including but not limited to letting him use one of my credit cards that was sent to her house without my permission. She paid it off eventually but that is beside the point.

4) I bring up the Christmas thing because it's right around the corner. . And frankly I just can't bring myself to make this sacrifice anymore just to make her happy, when clearly her loyalty to him means more than me and my family. However I don't want to make this decision out of spite if you guys are saying I should be more understanding.

*conflating too many issues

Op are you the one who was doing everything while your dental school husband said he couldn't do household and family stuff AND his grades sucked? Because if so your problem is not your mom. It's that you can't do it all and your husband doesn't help and she can't bail you out of that kind of marriage.

OP:

I have listened to everything everyone has said. And perhaps I am close mooning too many issues. To clarify:

1) He is an on and off again boyfriend and according to my mother, she hadn't spoken to him in over a month prior to this Monday. They have been together on and off over the past 15 years. They have lived together, then seperated on at least 3 occasions. Currently they live separately. In my opinion my mom has been desperately trying to get this man to love her and this is just attempt for her to get his attention.

2) Both of my children are in school. I don't need an additional sitter. I wanted my mom to be with them at nights and on the weekend. With her gone I will just make things work by splitting the days with my husband. I have already lined up a sitter for this Friday when the kids are out of school.

3) Yes I do think that she has put him before me a lot. Including but not limited to letting him use one of my credit cards that was sent to her house without my permission. She paid it off eventually but that is beside the point.

4) I bring up the Christmas thing because it's right around the corner. . And frankly I just can't bring myself to make this sacrifice anymore just to make her happy, when clearly her loyalty to him means more than me and my family. However I don't want to make this decision out of spite if you guys are saying I should be more understanding.

OP, let this be the last straw and change how you do things from here on out. Absolutely have the Christmas at home that your husband wants, starting this year. When the trial is over, research some back-up childcare options so you have at least a couple of go-to ideas for next time.

It sucks that your mom would leave without saying good bye to your kids. At the very least, she should have alerted you but made plans to leave at the soonest the following day. I do think she should have stayed longer.